I Will Love Her Forever

Did you ever have a friend that is better at it than you? I mean, a better friend to you than you are to them? I have many. But one in particular has been my friend since the beginning of time. She has seen me through the darkest of times and never wavered once in her love for me. She held my hand when I gave birth to my son and stood up for me every time I married. She is stronger that steel and solid as a diamond. She has always been the person I called when my heart was broke, I was broke, or when I thought I would complete brake. I have never once felt I was worthy. In fact, I have often felt embarrassed that I could not express how much I valued or loved her back. Her friendship and devotion are debts I can never repay, not by any stretch. I am not an easy person to go through life with; I am constantly in a state of chaos and torment, a roller coaster and a fun house all in one. I can be a drain on a person emotionally, I know it. I have left many good people in my wake of disaster and watched them swim desperately for shore, any shore. There are few constants in my life – in fact she may be the only one now.

And here it is her birthday. I cannot think of what to get her. There is not one material thing that is special nor grand enough. I do not know what to do for her. Even the cake a day for one month would never be enough. How can I ever begin to repay by a simple token? She has everything I would ever be able to give – my heart and my soul. She knows me better than anyone and her faith endures.

She may never know how much I love and respect her, because I cannot show it enough nor big enough.

I love you Laura, forever.

I Was Just Trying to Ruin the Day

Not 10 minutes after I posted my last post. Someone knocked at my door, the dogs flip the f out and start barking like we are being attacked. I get to the door, screaming "shut up" at the top of my lungs (okay, I really need to be on one of those dog behavior shows, because they are not right) and it is my neighbor looking for Fat Cat. Fat Cat leaps from a dead sleep, and starts screaming "shut the f^%&^% up" at the dogs, and runs to the door. The neighbor has come to take a look at Angel's car, because the window wipers are not working right and of course we are like 20 minutes out of the warranty. Fat Cat pulls a shirt on, yells at me to put coffee on (note, I do not drink it, i make it horrible, and i get instantly irritated when I am told to make it as if it is somehow a bash against my gender) he then realizes one of his hearing aids has gone missing and starts flipping blankets around and screaming at me that one of my mf-ing dogs has eaten his hearing aid and he is out $6000.00 because my MF-ing dogs ate his hearing aid. So I put down the arsenic I was about to put into his coffee and go running in the other room, and see him standing in the middle of it waving blankets and pillows around wildly. All I can think is that if the hearing aid was in them, it has now been flipped into my Christmas tree or into the mound of wrapping paper and boxes that are still piled up in the corner and will never be found. And his antics have the dogs barking more, and he is still cussing and screaming and flaying about. I ask him what he has checked and he claims he has checked it all, and of course, it is not to be found because the dogs ate it. (seems he must have a fear of this actually happening, because they are always to blame when one cannot be found) I start going through the blankets (slowly, and carefully, hoping that the fibers are like Velcro and have held the little thing) while he grabs the trash can by his chair (i put it there so he will not have to get up and throw the wrappers of his endless ice cream treats away, well not exactly, I put it there so maybe he will hit it instead of just piling them up on the floor where the dogs will actually drag them around the house.) He is completely disgusted and is positive the MFers have eaten it and he was talking about having their stomach cut open and removing it, if the stomach acids have not eaten it. I take the trash can from him and fish through the paper plates, the wrappers, the cigarette butts, and the ashes - where low and behold I find it, covered in ashes. Yuk. I handed it to him, and he said "is my coffee ready yet?"
I had this image of him filleted and put through a coffee press but he bolted from the door before I could get the knife sharpened. He ran out and with friend started to work on the wipers, running in for coffee and the phone every so often. Shouting orders and directions on what he needs from the auto parts store. The flurry of his actions and the chaos, not helping me function well. He bolted back in telling me something else that I had to do for him, and I winced
Then he announces 'why are you being like this? I can not deal with this, I barely can talk to you. Are you trying to ruin our day together?'

I just walked away.

Impending Doom

I worked until 2 on Xmas eve and it went wonderfully smooth, went to my mother in laws for Xmas Eve and it was great. Xmas was a good time by all, no disappointment among the kids, everyone who could be here was here. Fat Cat was extremely happy and there was no war with his brother or me. I had great gifts and manage to NOT spin out of control over any tiny detail. My son with me to the candlelight service at church and all felt right in the world.

This is not a good sign. It was too perfect. Obviously I'm going to pay for this with some sort of huge trauma in the next year. Something bad has to equal out this peaceful picture post card Christmas.

I am almost afraid to leave the house.

Cookie Fest 2008

And today we made:



Nut Horns

Kulacki

Creme wafers

lemon squares

Ricotta Cheese Cookies

And the new one, Reese cup tarts


Tonight I will make the chocolate mice, and then tomorrow bag and tag. Almost done

Cookie Nazi

She has me slaving. But she has done a lot this year already. One day of baking and this is the list so far:
Thumbprints
peanut butter fudge
Kisses (a peanut butter cookie with a chocolate Kiss on top!)
Chocolate chip (with milk and dark chocolate, walnuts and pecans)
Chocolate covered peanuts
Chocolate covered Toffiee
Chocolate Crisp (rice crispies in chocolate)
Brownie Balls (if you are good, maybe I will give you his easy recipe that is marvelous)
Brownie Ball Snow Men
Pecan Tarts
Iced Cut outs
Russian Tea Cakes
Baklava (this is all me, no one likes to make this)


And I am on my way for day two!

Not That Kind of Massage

So Fat Cat and I are making another Xmas Gift hunt, and I told him to go to the Spa

What?

The Spa, you know

No and not only do I not know where it is - I am not sure what IT is! Paying people to touch you, I thought, was illegal. What are we getting there?

A gift for your mother.

This is just wrong.

And Just When I Thought It was Safe

My Christmas Crap is in the Garage and I am going out and bringing stuff in one box at a time. Now my garage was recently used to paint a car, so it has strong paint smell when I open the door. Last night I started to notice that it has also has a slight haze in it. Tonight as I brought more boxes, I noticed it again, and I start wondering if maybe I am inhaling something I shouldn’t be. Fat Cat always wears a mask when painting. When I go back into the house I wanted to tell him about it but he was on the phone with his brother, and I figured I could get one more box if I just hold my breath in the garage. So back out I go and take a nice breath of my 24 degree air and step back into the garage. There was the light fog again. I grab a heavy box, adjust my glasses…….And realize the thick air wipes off my glasses! I am a giant bumbling idiot.

X-MAS IS UP AND RUNNING

Huge pissing match between Fat Cat and Tank over getting the Christmas stuff down out out of the attic. Granted, we are talking about one million boxes full of glass ware and treasures, but nonetheless it has to come down. Now I know I could drag my fat butt up there and do it myself, but just like the other jobs, once I do it the job will become mine. If I can inpart one bit of wisdom that was handed to me as a young woman, it is that there are some jobs that you just have to let them do in their own good time, because they will willingly let you do it, no matter how much you complain. If you do not want to do it without complaint then do not start. I do not mow the yard, I do not take out the trash (sometimes if I get up and no one has done it, I have to but only because i pay for the service whether the trash was there or not), I do not climb into the attic and get stuff down.

But it is finally down and I am slowly unpacking all my Christmas Crap as it is lovingly called. We are rolling now!

Surprise!

Saturday night a wonderful surprise --- a party for ME! They did great! Fat Cat and one of my friends got me a good one (of course, Fat Cat got too excited and we ended up there an hour early, so surprise to all the guests as I arrived there before them!) But it was fun! Felt odd because usually I am doing all the work and getting everything together, so it was a little awkward, but great, just great! Angel was amazing, the weekend was mainly her and I. I adore her, I realize just how lucky am I to have a daughter so wonderful. She is going to be married and will be on her own soon, our future may never have a whole weekend like this again. And these friends of mine. Lately I have forgotten how lucky I am. My faith in all of them has been renewed and I am all in love with them again. I am all sappy with Christmas spirit and joy. Then I received a card in the mail, with photos of my parents and siblings from a time before I was born. I look at the pictures and remember how my birthdays were. My son looked at them and saw me in my mother's face. And I realized that this year, I have been Scrooged. The past the present and the future were all touched this weekend, and I am a better person because of it.

IT IS MY DAY!!!

THE 10TH ANNIVERSARY OF MY 39TH BIRTHDAY!!!

YEAH FOR ME!

Already have received some great notes. I cannot believe you remembered, my sunshine state cousin!!

(Note - I have an extremely bad attitude. Fat Cat has an ear infection and has taken to his chair in agony. He has meds and probably is really in pain but I have no comfort for him. I get today and Mother's day, THAT IS IT!!! ALL YEAR - TWO DAYS. He is stealing my thunder! My birthday is going to suck because he is going to suck all the life out of it. Whining crying baby!!! - I know - it is wrong, I should be giving him some sympathy and concern, but I cannot help myself. His illness has me pissed off. God, I am a bitch. Now he is ruining my birthday by making me hate my own reactions. I am going to blame it on PMS not my own selfishness. Stupid bastard getting sick on my birthday!! HOW DARE HE!!!!)

IT WAS GREEN!!!

“This is not my sub!”

Chewing, chewing, chewing

“You are eating MY sub!”

“No I’m Not!”

“You have guacamole all over your face!”

“Yuck I hate guacamole”

“You just ate ½ of my sandwich, and it was covered in it”

“I thought it tasted funny.”

“But yet you keep eating it?”

“I thought it was my sandwich.”

"It was GREEN"

"Well, i though there was lettuce."

“You got a CHEESE STEAK - I got a chicken bacon and Guacamole!”

“I would not order it again, it was not really good.”

(sorry this was not about the Mayor, I am still working on that one!)

Where Are My Keys?????

Coach's most favorite thing is shopping and spending my son's money on stuff - any stuff. We were supposed to use her big SUV for Black Friday, but she could not find the keys. There was over reacting of course, screaming at my Soldier, waking up Tank, and possibly the dead with the sobbing. She could not find her keys, she could not find them anywhere. We spent an hour at 4:30 in the morning trying to find them. She would not just let me drive because she has this fear that if they are truly lost, she is going to have to spend $$$ to get them remade (there is only one set, WTF?). She calls Angel who is out with Sashquatch pleasantly shopping, to scream at her for help (I was apparently not very helpful, because I figured they were here somewhere, just under some of the clutter, but I am not in a panic so I suck) And my mother in law, who also lives for the mall, is calling the house (the phone is now waking up anyone still sleeping, except for FAT CAT who has his hearing aids out) every five minutes wanting to know what we are doing and giving us suggestions on where to look. (I know some where in there she is really saying, 'if the house was not such a mess, you could find them' but I try not to hear it) She is one step away from throwing herself onto the floor and giving up on life entirely because she is going to miss all the sales. I begin moving the cars all around in the drive way so I can get my car out and just go shopping, because I do not want to miss the sales I want. And it is freaking cold, and I am getting steamed over this whole idea and my day is on the verge of ruin, and it is not even six a.m. Coach is now destroying my house, by taking all their stuff and dumping it everywhere and the dogs are going crazy with me going in and out and Coach crying. (Fat Cat is still sleeping) When her cell begins ringing, and it is Angel who is now screaming because she has the keys, in her purse, mistaken for her own, and there is a huge sigh of relief, and all is now right in the world. My mother in law is on her way down to pick us up - because she has a four door and we need to be able to bail out of the car quickly now, because the sun is starting to come up and all the really good deals will be gone with the darkness. Black Friday was a huge success, with the economy fully boosted with all my purchases. I did not ask what my country can do for me, I am only interested in helping my country and its retailers.

Next post - Evening with the Mayor

HOLIDAY WEEKEND RECAP

OK, I know what you all are thinking - 'what the hell, where is the crazy tales of the antics of the Barrell? Was it all calm and uneventful?' Well , of course not, and here are some of the escapades -

1. Pretty good shape Turkey Day morning, with Angel's help and a hand from Coach, 21 were on schedule for dinner, when my mother in law calls and announces two more for dinner ( her husband son and grandson ), no problem, a little shifting and we set two more places. I was just so relieved they were not bringing their dog, i could care less how many humans they bring. (note- every year my mother in law brings her own Turkey and stuffing, every year mine gets ate first, and she has her husband take theirs to their house right after dinner- this year, Fat Cat insisted I take 1/2 of hers and cut it up early -they seem to have a quiet battle over this annually)

2. Soldier walks past the stove and asks, Where are the mashed potatoes?, ahh, they would still be in the refrigerator, 15 pounds peeled and cubed earlier, but not put on the stove. Almost a fiasco, saved by Soldier. (Yes, I had a mild freak out, but not a complete melt down, dinner only delayed slightly)

3. My Brother in Law brings cooked chilled shrimp for the appetizer. They were slightly frozen still and of course this gives Fat Cat reason to complain about how inept his brother is. Soldier jumps on the band wagon and proclaims we will have to have shrimp for dessert. Fortunately this did not continue like the infamous ham incident at Easter.

4. My mother in law tells Fat Cat 'she never thought she would see the day he would be so fat.' He bit his tongue but this put him on edge with her. Then she told us that she wanted her son to buy her a new fridge for Christmas, 'not the broke son with 6 kids.' Fat Cat began looking for alcohol.

5. Number One came late, as he had to go to his wife's family for dinner first, he then regaled us with a tale of how he fell down his stairs and can no longer open his jaw, and has a lot of back pain. Translation - 'I am not working again'. We tried not to discuss the translation.

6. One of the Crack babies undressed a Barbie and was touching it inappropriately, Angel managed to get it away from him. This particular crack baby has some serious issues, and we are really starting to fear him.

7. The Sheik was with Butterfly, I think my ham may have offended him. Then I - out of some compulsive habit - hugged him when they went to leave - which I think may have freaked him out a little. Then Soldier - who is trying hard not to have a complete melt down over his sister dating the Sheik - told me the guy is missing a finger tip. As he told me 'in country, we arrest guys with missing partial digits, it ain't good.'

8. My mother in law invites Coach to go shopping with us on our annual black Friday shopping experience. What was she thinking, Coach is not one to take shopping! My mother in law was on a roll I tell you! She also saw that Zowie had brought pumpkin rolls, so she put hers in the fridge and announced not to eat hers she was taking it home.

9. We played Shanghai until late at night, laughing and joking. I won. (This I am lucky with, anything else, not so much)

10. After three hours of sleep, I get up at 4:30 and get ready for the really big day

(tomorrow's post will include, 'where are my keys?', an evening with the mayor, and the engagement.)

Angel is Engaged!!!

The Sasquatch has proposed and my baby is going to get married!!!

Almost Time for Turkey

Just a quick update, Soldier arrived Saturday night (the only time I was happier to see him was when he came home from Iraq). Coach rolled in Monday night, after a leisurely 3 day trip from Missouri via every shopping outlet mall on the way. Fat Cat is on the verge of a melt down. And I have been informed that my little grandchildren are allowed to use cuss words because they have 'Freedom of Speech', I eat 'old people' food (I guess that is dinner that does not come with a prize), and there seems to be some confusion because 'memo, why do you want to work so much?'

They are leaving on Friday - I will talk to you then!

May your turkey be fat
may your gravy be lump free
And when you have a moment
Stop by and read me!

We are in Survival Mode

Soldier and his wife are not here yet. They were supposed to be here Wednesday, then Friday, now we are promised for Sunday, but we have little faith. The kids are stressed, they dogs and all of us are snapping at each other and without Tank and primarily Angel, I would have went completely under. Fat Cat is trying, and he has the night shift (the first two nights Angel and I got about 4 hours sleep while we were up with crying babies) but my day off tomorrow to prep for the holiday is a bust. I have to give the day shift a break! We are all missing too much rest and work! They owe us big for this! Too many years since I had little ones to chase!

POST 100!!! YEAH!!!

This is my 100th post
a) I would like to tell you how wonderful my life is now
b) I am going to dwell on how boring my life is
c) get out your notes, this is going to get very complex even for the regular readers!
(answer C - Lord help us all)
Soldier and his wife (Coach - after the purse not a leader) come up to Ohio to assist her Grandfather (who raised her) after his house burnt down:
a) They stay will us, where there is an extra room, food and quiet
b) They get a hotel room near her family
c) They stay with her sister, the sister’s boyfriend, their baby, the boyfriends 5 year old son by another woman, Coach’s Mother (who is insane), two pitbulls, and the Grandfather
(answer C- the house does have 3 bedrooms, and the boyfriend does have a job, he is the only one)
While there they find out they have been bumped up on the move list and have only a couple more days to get home to GA get packed before the movers come and take all their stuff to Missouri, where the Army has sent them. So they
a) have to borrow money from someone with a job (me) so they have gas to get home, because their check is not due for another couple of days, that they cannot wait
b) decide they should leave their precious 2 little children in OH for a week with the Soldier’s biological mother who begged for them
c) leave some of the money they borrowed with Soldier’s mother, because she has quit her job yet again, and cannot afford to feed the little children for one week.
(answer a, b, and c : oh yeah, it gets better)
They leave for GA and get a call that the money they left for his mother, is not in the bag.
a) Soldier accuses Coach’s mother of stealing it
b) Coach accuses his mother of lying and it is there
c) they tell me and I get ticked they paid his mother to watch the kids with ‘my’ money
(answer: a, b, and c, see what is coming don’t you?)
They get to GA and the movers come
a) they call home and tell us that everything is going really well
b) they call home and we tell them how proud we are they are doing so well
c) they call home and Fat Cat tells them leaving the kids with Soldier’s mom is the most rediculous thing he has ever heard
(Answer C- let us recall that she bailed on them in April, see the posts from OZ, She could not handle her own children, see the who’s who post.)
And the next day, they call again - this time screaming hysterically
a) that the soldiers mother does not want the kids any more
b) they cannot leave GA because the Army frowns upon leaving the base without authorization
c) they cannot get to their children and yet again expect me to bail them out
(Answer - yep all three, I told you it was getting better)
Why is this such a mess and no one else can help?
a) her family is embroiled in their own drama because the boyfriend with the job, moved out, leaving the rest of them completely freaked out
b) his mother’s family, either are living with pedophiles or do not have phones
c) who else is there?
(Answer -Do I even need to tell you?)
This weekend I will have to drive (remember, Fat Cat is sans license) to Columbus and get these gorgeous little ones from their Nanna, and bring them here so that Angel , Tank, Fat Cat, and I can watch them until
a) Monday when their parents can get here
b) Until Wednesday when they have already went to Missouri and unloaded all their stuff into their new home
c) Until hell freezes over
(Answer - this is still undecided)
Soldier and his family were supposed to go to his mother's for Thanksgiving Dinner, and I was a little hurt they were not coming here
a) Soldier has now blown up at his mother, and may have to be stipped of his weapons before coming home
b) Number One, who had no clue his mother was even having Turkey Day is going to be a little bit amused at this latest tale
c) I should learn to watch what I wish for
(answer, What do you think?)

Just A Preview.......

I have been on a Sudafed cloud most of the day, floating around the office, the house, and soon up the stairs to bed. My voice is just a squeak and tight. It is not a bad cold just a noisy one. Drama with the Soldier tonight, that has me a little upset. Can't even go into it. Get your playbills out, so you can keep track of the players with this mess! All I can say is if it were not for the tranquil effects of NyQuil, I would be actually freaking out at the moment.

Lucky SOB

So just when I am about to ring the neck of Fat Cat for all the fines and frustration over this latest escapade, some random guys shows up and wants his car fixed. I can't say for sure he will get enough to pay for everything, but at least a chunk of it. So the garage is full of a car and stuff to fx it, Tank, of course, is helping (sidebar - seems Tank and his girlfriend are on the 'outs' - he is drowning is pain with a seriously nasty addiction to Reeses Cups. There are wrappers every where, in his Jeep, his room, the bathroom, and in his laundry. Could be worse.) Well, the money is not in hand yet, I am, as usual, holding my breath. In my constant search for the silver lining, he is up and moving, and there are glimpses of the old Fat Cat, the high energy, lets get it done attitude. I love that, I love him all wound up and yipping.

Update on the Bakugan search - Angel scored two mini ones! We are still in search of the main one, but I have faith! I may put Fat Cat on it, his luck he would stumble into some store the minute they were opening the boxes! Me, I could be there the moment the brought the boxes in but I would not have any money on me, or not notice them on the shelf!

Game On!!!!

Okay, grandson, you think you are challenging ME? I have played Christmas before, and your father before you, your aunts, your uncles, they have all tried. But you my fair haired kindergartner are no match for me. I have stood in line for the Cabbage Patch, battled the black Friday Walmart free for all for the Furbie, tracked down designer purses, and video games. You think I can't find one? Bakugan or Bust. Game on!!!

(Note, they are not at walmart, not at kbtoys, not at target. Sold out, damn you my little nemesis, I have had to call in back up, Aunt Angel and her faithful side kick Sasquatch - game still on!)

An Evening Off

For the first time in 6 weeks I am home in the evening. The dogs are thrilled, the kids are happy. Fat Cat, well, he has went into hibernation. He went to court and has a 6 month suspended drivers license and a load of fines. He is so depressed, he has not moved from his chair and easily has smoked a carton of cigarettes. He has sleep all day with exception of Tank making him go get the van out of car jail. In the mean time, I am completely upset with this situation. (I guess sleeping is better than me screaming) I am just about the worst driver, and my vision has gotten steadily worse, making driving at night impossible. Now I am going to have to drive everywhere, and at night, and all winter. I am mad the money I have worked so hard for is gone for something so completely ridiculous. But I am making this about me and dwelling on things I cannot change. Trying to concentrate on the positive. Soldier and his family are an hour away, at her families. Her Grandfather is better but has lost his house and all the physical memories of his wife he buried 15 years ago. Gone are her things, her collections and her scent that still wove it's way through his home and his heart. I am so proud of Soldier, trying to help him, to help his wife through this. No matter how much they grow up they still amaze you like they did as little ones. And now I am going to putter in my kitchen, make up some goodies, and relax!!!

Horrid Weekend

Frantic calls from Soldier. His wife (who was raised by her grandfather ) received a call that the grand fathers house had burnt to the ground and he barely made it out. They are desperately trying to get up here from GA and poor girl, her entire shaky childhood was rendered to ashes. I spent hours on the phone with her. After working for 10 hours. Which, I have to say was a little frightening because over 3000 voted, and it was so crowded a lady passed out. People were getting upset , today also. They waited for hours.
Then of course my husband. He was not home when I woke up this morning. Mystery solved with a collect call from the county jail, seems getting more beer after drinking a 12 pack was not a good idea. WTF? So tomorrow we have to bail out the van and I work my last 12 hour day.

Happy Halloween!

Last night was trick or treat and it was a truly Kracker Barrell night. Zowie brought her mother, who is out on bail, so that was awkward. (She later called and told me her mother told her she was glad we were there for her, she won't worry so much when she is gone. very very sad) Number One and his family came over, the first time we have seen them in a few months. Now Fat Cat and Number One are back on a love fest and have called each other about 10 times today. So there were a lot of kids. George was Obama and he was just so handsome and my heart just melts when I see him. Since I did not make the chili and hot dog buffet I usually do, because of time, and opted for chicken an pizza ($65, OMG- next year, wieners baby) But all in all everyone was happy. Fat Cat was in Halloween Heaven, and collapsed in his chair, (starving, because all the food was sucked up and he did not get any). He loved having everyone here.
And so did I! It was wonderful!

Trick Or Treat Fairy

We have lived in this house for 16 years. Every year we get a slip of paper in the mail box telling us when trick or treat night is going to be. We have no idea who does this. Not a clue. How bizarre is that? Some random secret neighbor sneaks around placing these in our mail boxes without being seen, without taking credit, without being a complete control freak and making it a bigger deal than it is. I do not know who it could be. I do not know anyone so complete unselfish as to manage this whole thing without wanting credit. And for so many years.
There is only one option, it must be the trick or treat fairy, not a real person. We have our slip, it appeared in the box, and the day is Thursday, between 6 and 8. This is going to be great!
Thank you Trick or Treat Fairy!

Chaos Continues

Wow, what a crazy last few days. Zowie's biological mother was arrested and things are really bad. Zowie is all upset, understandably, as her mother is 51 and detoxing in a jail could result in a lot of drama. Bail was met, but now Zowie wonders if her mother staying in jail would have forced her to break the meth habit. The whole nightmare has Zowie in tears and frustrated and angry and embarrassed.

Soldier's boy has pneumonia, which has Soldier in tears and frustrated and angry and under the impression that he somehow is responsible for his son's agony.

Butterfly is trying to break it to Fat Cat that her relationship with the Palestinian (who Fat Cat has now named The Sheik, so we are going to call him that from now on because it is just funny) is really serious and announces he is wanting to buy her a ring. Which has Fat cat in tears and frustrated and angry.

Number One's daughter went with Fat Cat and his daughters to the haunted houses, which, since she is just 11, had her in tears and frustrated and frightened.

And I continue to work a bizillion hours a week, which has me in tears and frustrated.

Makes you just want to come visit, doesn't it???

I Just Did Not See It Coming

Here is how to tell you are going to have a crap day;
1) the dogs wake you up by barking – at the exact time you should be LEAVING for work, not getting up!
2) You use a blood curdling scream to tell your husband to wake up – let the dogs out and feed the animals because you do not have time
3) You do not have time to shower, and opt for strong perfume and brushed teeth
4) You fly down the stairs only to have your husband (now sleeping in his chair) yell at you to make the dogs stop barking (note, they are still outside, and at barely 5 pounds each they are probably freezing to death)
5) You race out the door to find your car covered in ice and only have time to scrap peep holes in the ice
6) zooming through an intersection, you realize – after hearing the horns and tires screeching – the light was probably red.
7) The first thing on your email at work is NOT the tracking information for a shipment that had to go yesterday- it did not go
8) You actually have to hang up on one of your best friends, because her big problem of the day is which country club her and her millionaire brother are going to use for their mother’s 75th birthday extravaganza
9) In the rest room you realize you forgot to grab enough feminine protection to get you through your 12 hour work day, and you now have to call the husband and have him bring some to you at lunch because you will not be able to do both the store and the drive thru in your ½ hour.
10) When he picks you up for lunch, you actually have to go get a lunch because there was no time to pack one, which ends up costing you $20 because your husband has no gas.
11) You try to resolve the shipping problems with an email authorizing over night shipment, which you spell Over Knight – hilarity has ensued in the shipping department and you get calls like, ‘Is this Gwenevier? Lancelot has not left the building. Is that the dark knight? ‘ etc. (funny, they normally do not have a sense of humor)
12) When you get to your second job, you absolutely cannot wait another minute and rush to the restroom, choosing of course, the only stall in 10 that has no TP


But things turn around when your mother-in-law tells the people you are now working with, that she has spent her life with two sons, and then she finally got the daughter she always wanted.

Nothing but Fun

Today, Fat Cat had an interview (which, by the way, he got lost on the way and managed to be late by about 10 minutes, although oddly enough he was the first one there) for a part time maintenance position at a rehab. Okay, now this is funny on several levels. My personal favorite is, after two weeks of having to clean house, take care of the dogs, make dinner, and being alone all evening has drove Fat Cat from the comfort of his Laz E Boy. That is all he needs is something part time, he is so bored in his retirement that this may be something that will help him from getting so down. Even if he does not get the job, he is motivated! The trigger was a nasty brier incident with my bushy haired Pomeranian's. They have taking to rolling in them. It is not pretty.

We Now Own A Vampire

Yes, my brother in law bought us a 6 foot tall very intimidating vampire! It took about an hour for us to figure out how to put it together (1/2 before we opted for the directions and 1/2 hour to undo that part and complete the figure post directions).

I did a shot at work!

A flu shot, come on, I have not gone completely mad! So now, I am limping on my big swollen purple throbbing foot, bags under my eyes, I have a sore bicep and i think I may have a little bit of a fever. Yes, I cannot tell you how attractive I feel. Now if I could just top it off with mother nature or maybe a giant zit.

I miss my friends, I miss my kids, I miss my clean house, and my own cooking. And I would like a little cheese with my whine please!

Fat Cat's Spin Machine

Also know as, 'oh lord, please let this not be as bad as it sounds':



Fact - Butterfly's new apartment with her "Palestinian" boyfriend is a basement apartment that is extremely cheap and they are not getting cable because it is too expensive

Fat Cat - I think they are just being thrifty and saving money.

(under my breath I casually mention that cable is considered a pretty basic item for most Americans)

Fact - Butterfly tells her father that this boyfriend has a degree and will be getting a job in Texas, so they only took the apartment for 6 months. He is currently working at a beer and wine carry out

Fat Cat- Well - I wanted her to have a rich boyfriend and he will make enough money for her to fly home and see us.

(under my breath I mention that Bin Laden is rich, OJ is rich, not always a good sign)

Fact- The boyfriends mother is coming to see him, she boards a plane in Abu Dabi with her two sons but one is not permitted on the flight.

Fat Cat- She said he has some problems because he got a girl pregnant.

(under my breath I mumble something about they usually just kill the woman, and i think there could be other issues that keep him off the plane. like he is on a list of some kind)

Fact - Butterfly tells us the boy's mother speaks no English and wears a Burka.

Fat Cat - She takes the Burka off when she is in the house, she just keeps it on in public.

(I mumble something about how she is probably measuring Butterfly for her Burka now.)

Fact- Butterfly tells us that his family is very close and he likes to spend a lot of time with them

Fat Cat - Maybe she will get the opportunity to travel, that is something she has always wanted to do.

(i just hope she can get back and I mention that we should probably not give all this information to Soldier )



I did have a thought, maybe we can get a couple camels and a goat for her. Fat Cat did not find me amusing.

I'm a Ghoul

Well, I have broken my toe so bad that from the baby toe to the big toe, it is purple and so full swollen I cannot get my shoe on it. Lesson learned, a grown up should not run through the house. I have no idea how I am going to get through tomorrow. We are also almost out of Fog Juice for the machines, seriously hampering the Halloween festivities and we cannot find it anywhere. I am freakishly tired with bags under my eyes and now have a limp. I appear to belong in the Halloween display.

Stink in a Cloud

13 hours in a pair of, lets say - affordable, dress shoes, has proven to be more than my feet can take and they are literally rotting away. At least that is how it smells, and although my dogs (the real canine ones, not the clumps at the bottom of my legs) LOVE the results (and I do mean love like in the humping crazy panting way). In an effort to defuse the stench (i do not want anyone calling the police to tell them there is a decomposing body in my cubicle at work) I took today's shoes and put some nice corn starch baby powder inside. I slipped my little black shoes on and off to work. As I walked from the parking lot i actually caught a whiff of the powder, mixed with what now took on the smell of a dirty baby diaper. I looked down as I walked and with ever step I took a small fluffy cloud of White puffs from my shoes. Petite little white poofs of mist that are covering my black shoes and ankles. Great. Very professional don't you think?

Self Imposed Torture

I am still here, just chronically tired and feeling my age (although at my second job I am the kid!). Job 1 is going well , could be better but I am still learning and the frustration between not knowing what is the best way to handle things and what things need to be handle best, is a little overwhelming. I will get it eventually and at least everyone I am working with seems to be helpful and witty and appreciates me and my spontaneous outbursts. Job 2 is truly amusing, and some day when there is no threat of jail time I will tell you stories about government that will have you on the floor. But since there is the whole 'you can't talk about it' clause - I will just have to hold off - even the anonymity of the Internet is not enough to keep me safe! Fat Cat has been working on Halloween, and my house has been transformed into something out of a movie set, with a grave yard in the front and ghouls all about!!! OHHHH so scary. On the down side I actually missed church for the first time in a long time, and I have some guilt over that. Buster and Duke are missing me the most, they are joyous when I get home and cuddle close. Only about 4 more weeks of this self-destruction and I should have punished myself enough!

(As a side note- now that I have 1/2 hour drive between one job and the next Ihave become somewhat cell phone dexterious, Angel programed the speed dial for me - as I nearly wrecked the first time I tried to dial on the expressway. Although yesterday when I had the phone on vibrate in my lap and Tank called and I was not sure if it was being electocuted or what the hell was happening - actually screamed allowed - and never did get the phone call answered. And forget that whole call waiting thing, because there is just too much going on to drive and figure that out. But I have fallen in love with the convenience of it all, if I can just get the speaker phone to work!)

Odd Week

Signs that things are maybe not as they should be

1. Zowie finally received her confirmation letter stating she has custody of the crack babies, and will be receiving benefits for them. The odd part-- they labeled one of them as the case head and gave a date he was to appear for job training to obtain full time employment. The really odd part - The twins are four years old.

2. Fat Cat was visiting his best friend at the animal shelter when a call came in that there was a pony loose in a very urban area. The friend could not find the pony after several hours of looking. The odd part - he found a very large goat, that they determined had been mistaken for a pony. The really odd part - there was a goat on the loose in a very urban area.

3. My mother in law, seeing that we seem to be in tight financial situation lately decides we need more money. The odd part- she does not tell her son to go get a job, but finds one for me every evening and both days of the weekend. The really odd part - I am glad, we are getting really tight again, and at least I am doing something about it.

4. Our roof is leaking around the skylight. Which is not unusual, we have had issues before with the skylights, as they are large and apparently prone to being serviced incorrectly. We get several estimates, the lowest of which is $1800!!! The odd part- Fat Cat drags up a phone number of a handy man (Yes Fat Cat is very much a handy man but he does not get on ladders, and his ear damage is so bad that balance is not his strong suit) who comes out and fixes it for $260! The really odd part - We find this out a day after I accept the second job, because I was going to have to come up with $1800 for the roof repair.

5. Tank and Sasquatch belong to a car club that are having a very large international car show this weekend. Last year they had over 250 cars and are going to probably have 300 by the time today is over! The odd part- Tank has never had a completed vehicle in the shows he has helped organize for the last 4 years. The really odd part - All those guys and Angel is the one that gets into with someone and just about has a thrown down in the middle of whole thing!!!!

5. The Cake fest of 2008 - is complete except for delivery, the final cakes were strawberry cake in a cone with white icing and sprinkles, a chocolate hostess cupcake, turtle (4 layers yellow cake with caramel, pecans, and chocolate, topped with whip cream), chocolate layer cake with fluffy white icing, and the grand finale was crystallized angel food topped with a homemade pineapple ginger sauce -whip cream and a sprinkle of toasted coconut and garnished with an umbrella. The odd part - I actually completed the month. The really odd part - I am a little sad it is over, I liked the creative part of it!

She is 16

My granddaughter is 16 today! (Zowie's daughter, Pretty Baby) Last night we baked cupcakes for her to take to school today. She wanted to be with uncool grandma and bake. Because I have one billion different kind of sprinkles, no doubt, but it was great. She talked and laughed until about 11 - I was almost late for work, but it was entirely worth it. I just kept looking at her and thinking about how beautiful she is and special she is. I want to hold her in my heart just as she was last night, laughing and funny and just incredibly her. I am so lucky.

Of course I was so busy, I had to use a rice cake as the cake of the day! You'll have that!

Poor Old Fat Cat

My heavens the last couple days have been rough - on Fat Cat!
A) Fat Cat broke is baby toe and bruised his entire foot so bad it is ½ purple ½ odd green How did that happen ?
1. We have two large pieces of exercise equipment that are in my formal living room and my loft. Fat cat cannot remember where they are.
2. Deaf blind guys should where stedl toed shoes when wondering around the house.
3. Exercise equipment will leap in front of you when it senses you may be drinking and are barefoot

B) Fat Cat nearly had a fight with his best friend, his brother, his stepfather, and several members of the community. How could this happen?
1. In an effort to assist his brother with his political ambition, Fat Cat agreed to get up with a hangover and broken toe to put up signs.
2. He recruited his best friend, who is not familiar with the area, and, as he has now learned, cannot read a map worth crap.
3. Because they were running late his stepfather picked up Fat Cat’s signs and gave him a huge stack and kept a very small stack for himself.
4. People who have not signed up to have a sign in the yard, do not want one and will tell you about it, loudly.

C) Fat Cat’s children are giving him fits, causing him to eat an entire bottle of Rolaids. What could they be doing now?
1. Soldier has blown out his knee, and may have to have a major surgery, which may end his military career, and rendering he and his family homeless, or headed to our home.
2, Butterfly has moved in with her new love, the Palestinian
3. Butterfly has moved in with her new love, the Palestinian
4. And again, Butterfly has moved in with her new love, the Palestinian.

D) I am apparently trying to kill Fat Cat.
1. I use a shaving gel that seems to leave a very slippery oil residue on my bathtub.
2. When falling, the large decorative shower curtain and rod are not good to grab on to as they are not permanently affixed to the wall, and will blast you about the head and tangle in your arms
3. I do not put the caps on my shampoo and conditioner so that when the decorative shower curtain collapses they flip into the tub creating a more slippery surface
4. I have a shower hose that when you flip upside down your foot will hit and it will start whipping around drenching the entire bathroom in hot steaming water.
5. After severe bruising of the ribs, and spewing of choice words, Fat Cat cannot get any help (for some reason, ungrateful Angel flees the house before a nude Fat Cat falls into the hallway.)

The whole horrible time started last night and has Fat Cat hold up in his chair refusing to leave the house this evening.

Cake Cake 2008

I think I have not been keeping up on the cakes, so these are the latest:

9/19 Bananas Foster (banana cake with Carmel glaze and a dollop of whip cream)
9/20 Two layers of rich red velvet, with white cream cheese icing
9/21 Yellow cake flavored with mint, and chocolate mint icing
9/22 Golden (yellow pound cake with tinted butter cream frosting with edible gold glitter)
9/23 Banana cake with banana butter cream icing
9/24 USA (three layer of red cake with white whip cream icing topped with royal blue butter cream, and red gel letter of USA with fine silver edible glitter)

Yeah, I been a busy girl!

My Big Brother

There are moments when at the precise second they happen you know your life will never be the same. Thirteen years ago yesterday, I heard my sister’s voice tell me he was gone. And at that moment, I heard the crash of my family, the shift of my world under my feet. My big brother was gone. I still mourn for him, for my family, for the time when my heart was innocent, before everything shattered around me, the shards scaring me forever. His loss devastated my mother, a part of her gave up at that point. Within 6 months my father was gone, another 6 months and she was gone. Then my siblings ran away from me and all my pain. They were all gone, and my children had no grandparents, no aunts and uncles to love them and tease them. They were left with me and my tenous grip on reality. My big brother, the moment he slipped away so did the warmth and safety that was my crazy family. We were then surrounded by those who just wanted to love us, not because they had to but because they did. I was overwhelmed by those that cared for me and my babies, who did so not because of blood. The warmth and safety that is around me now, are my friends and my brother’s friends. All the women that just love us and loved him. Forever.

I Would Have to Change Parties But ....

Dear Mr. McCain:
Here are the reasons why you should have chosen me instead of Palin:

10. She ‘can see Russia from her house’, I have actually been there.
9. My kids played football, baseball, and were in band. American sports! She is a hockey mom, obviously too close to Canada.
8. I have not been to Iraq either, but I did send my son and he came back and told me about it.
7. I do not have a pregnant daughter! (But I have 7 illegitimate grandchildren who are really cute, and could gain me a lot - and I mean A LOT -of sympathy votes)
6. I have never tried to get an ex-brother in law fired, I actually got his lazy butt canned! Follow through, Sarah, Make it happen!
5. Although I do not have a Downs syndrome child, I do have several stupid ones, that may actually be considered handicapped.
4. My ‘First Dude’ is much more entertaining, and could be the Billy Carter of the McCain administration, relatively harmless yet hugely entertaining and often quotable.
3. It is easier to run a low populated state on a big budget than a big family on a low populated budget.
2. I would have never fallen for the line ‘I got a big bridge for you, Lady’

And the best reason I should have been the VP pick ---

1. I do not hunt nor own guns. So unlike a VP Dick Chaney hunting excursion, there is no chance my ambition would drive me so crazy I would ‘accidentally’ shoot your old ass and take over!



(Cake #18 - mini bundt cake - banana with walnuts and chocolate chips.)

I Must be Really Smart

Cake of the day - Black Forrest!

Today was my first full day on the new job. I woke up late, and freaked out completely because I thought I was going to be late on my first day! It has been a long time since I was hesitate and unsure at my desk. Not really comfortable but it will come, but I am always much harder on myself than anyone else ever is. I did some calls for the election tonight, getting some signs put into yards (note, if you get a call from a happy little campaigner, it could be me, so be nice!) Fat Cat had the house cleaned up by the time I got home at 8:00, which was great. So not much to do but dinner, laundry, and cake!

Quote today from Fat Cat - "you have to be really smart to be dumb and survive in this world."

Was followed up by a near disgusting mix up between a stick of Crisco and cream cheese. I think that was the smart part paying off!

Busy Busy Busy

Last night was Tank's birthday dinner, amazing as usually (Yeah, that's right - I had dinner for 15 including the crack babies, who left all sugared up and Zowie shaking her head and threatening to leave them with me! Also was George's birthday, and gave him the helmet and chest plate Angel and I had for him, which could not have been better for the 11 year old, he slept with them last night, the mark of a truly great birthday gift!), and today I had my last day on my old job! My replacement feels comfortable and they are to hire another person (yeah, it will take two to replace me!). My old boss gave me flowers (her husband works for a floral company) and several of my co-workers teared up pretty good. My new co-workers were all happy for me! My husband had most of the dishes from last night done, so I had time to relax and read some blogs, pay some bills, and do some laundry. Ohh, what fun!

And for those of you following the Month of Cakes, we had Fruit Cake (pineapple cake, with maraschino cherries, pineapple, mandarin oranges, nuts and raisins made into cupcakes), Cheesecakes (made in cupcake cups topped with cherry pie filling -- mmmmm) and today is gingerbread made in star shaped foil cup cake tins!

The Ground is a Giant Sponge

The rain continues and I cannot get enough sleep!

But I did get the cakes done!

" Some cakes are white, some cakes are brown, but this one is upside down!"

Yes, pineapple upside down cake, made in my little bundt pans, and just really really cute!

Not A Great Day, but Tomorrow is Another Day

Seems Tank and his little family are having issues, and he is really down. My roof, which is only two years old is leaking. And I have to be at my 1/2 day here 1/2 there job for another week before I am moved to full time at my new job. I made linguine and clams sauce for dinner, and it did not turn out as good as usual. Soldier is getting home sick again. I spent a 1 hour on the phone with another of my ex sister-in - laws. My two nieces are making her a little crazy (crazier) and she just wanted to talk. Every time I talk to her I do feel the need to buy all my daughters flowers for being 'not that nuts'. The high light of the day may have been cleaning my future new office, which is just cute, by the way. A trip to the Halloween store and reliving the stupid hole in the wall show with Fat Cat. What has my life become??? And the cake seems appropriate.

"Lemon here, Lemon there, Lemon Every Where" luscious moist white cake, three thin layers filled with lemon pudding, iced with whip cream flavored lightly with lemon flavoring, tinted bright yellow and dusted with lemon zest. Mmmmm tasty!

I MUST LAUGH!!! HA HA!!

I cannot be bothered right now, as my show is on for two hours! YEAH!

"Chocolate, almond, and butter cream, this cake is just a dream!"

The Hole in the Wall

As hard as it is for me to admit, I get so down some times I just want to cry. But I may have stumbled on a huge cure. I sat down after all my work was done and flipped on the TV, and there it was! OMG! It is possibly the most hilarious show I have every seen. The contestants, clad in silvery wet suits and little colorful Devo-esk helmets, perched on the edge of a neon lighted pool while a giant wall barrels down on them. The object is to leap in flamboyant positions that are cut outs in the wall and not go into the pool. OMG! The holes are odd shaped persons, usually in some odd stances that I will tell you I have not seen since the sixth grade when I sat next to Russell, who drew obscene stick figures. OMG! Once they get beyond the wall there is a jubilant antics and instant replays! Oh, the commentary is priceless, with comments like “He found the hole!”, “He put it in the hole”. And all the seriousness of Olympic broadcasters, they tell us about their agility and the battle against the wall. Oh, and just when you think it could not get any better, you would be wrong. The winning team appoints one member (who prances about in delight) to face the wall alone ---- with black out goggles on! OMG! The others have to verbally guide him into position, which is of course just about impossible so he is hit blind by the giant wall and pushed into the water. Oh, it is a huge hoot!!! I have no clue how on earth someone actually got a network to buy this show, but it either had to be a lost best or some serious pharmaceuticals. Seriously, I have not laughed this hard at a TV show since -- well I do not know when but I am sure it had something to do with HBO and a comedy special. You cannot help but laugh!


Oh, the cake for today “Boston crème, is it a cake or a pie? Who wants some, holler I!”

What a Chocolate and Peanut Butter Day!

Yeah, that was the cake flavor, milk chocolate cake with peanut butter buttercream icing and curls of Hersey Bar. (I actually got them all delivered today) And that was my day, kinda sweet and simple. I had a little success at my new job, and seems I may just be able to make it eventually. (this position is so nice, even the restroom is special, you don't even have to flush the toilet yourself! Big step up!) I have most of the inside halloween stuff up and very little of the outside stuff suffered badly for the winter. (which means not much more $ and we are up and running!) The weather has started to drift to fall, and there are two little dogs that are curled up beside me.

HALLOWEEN - The Gateway to the Holiday Season

We are buried under the boxes of skulls, various witches, and assorted eyeballs. Fat Cat is in his glory as it is the 'holiday of his people'. (I am not entirely sure what that means, but I have seen some of his people and a holiday where you wear masks may just be their favorite.) This marks the beginning of the season, and it does not end until 2009! He is so excited not even a minor convenient store incident could stall his good day ("It is the most F&^&^*&ing ridiculous thing, they mix up the diet pop with these stupid flavored pops, same color lid, same color label. What the F*&^&? They get you addicted to one then they keep sabotaging the choices so that you end up with some damn mango cola that tastes like crap and you have to stop somewhere else and get the right one. Why can't they just put three rows of the pop people like? Or make then different colors ?" He had picked me up a pop when he came to get me for lunch and he got a lemon one. Apparently a huge task.)

Oh, and for those serious readers, the cake for today is 'wedding cake', I carved little cakes made a 3 layer tower and covered it with fluffy white icing and decorated the whole thing with white sugar hearts Also silver sugar beads and crystallized sugar. It looked like a Barbie wedding cake! I out did myself. Then with all the hoopla over the getting out our Halloween gear and buying fruity pop I forgot to deliver them! What a goof!

Extra Crispy VS Original

Soldier went to the Ultimate Fighting Championships in Atlanta this weekend. Today at my mother in law’s birthday dinner, Fat Cat tells us all about it.

Fat Cat: Soldier went to the KFC fights last night.

I giggle and say, under my breath, ‘those are chicken fights, extra vs. crispy’

Number one: Those are brutal!

Mother in law: Those are chicken fights , they call them cock fights, that must be some new name for them

Fathr in law: They have cock fights there on base?

Fat Cat: No they went to Atlanta.

Number one: He went to a cock fight too?

Fat Cat: I did not know that, I thought he went to the KFC fights

Mother in law: That is what you said, isn’t it illegal?

Number One: No, they broadcast them on HBO

Fat Cat: They show cock fights on TV??

Number One: No, they show UFC fights.

Father in law: So who when to a cock fight.

Fat Cat: I do not know, but they sure should not have them on HBO, When is it on?

I just went into the kitchen and started on my cakes for the next week.

Coconut Cake - HUGE HIT

Little switch up today, with my ex sister in law having her birthday party today, so she gets the big old Coconut cake today! There was a fear the birthday party was not going to go well but it was really cute and my cake was a big hit. Her niece did a nice job and the other cake had a picture of the birthday girl when she was 20! Tomorrow mom in law gets her coconut cake (note, this cake has to marinade for 3 days before you can eat it, and i have to love someone to make it because i hate coconut due to an over-consumption of it as a child) when we have her birthday dinner. So little cup cakes about the size of a quarter, a 1/2 dozen of them, was her little bonus for today, while tomorrow those will show up on the door step of my ex sister in law. Very confusing I know!

I loved seeing this branch of my family tree, this part of my history. These sister in laws, their friends, they were the women I admired, and still love in the devoted way i did then. They were fun and exciting and full of life. They still are easy laughs. The type of laugh that travels back to my childhood and makes me warm and safe. I love her so much, so much, that I just want to bake her a cake everyday!

Halloween Has Started!

First, marble cake today, a one forth of a normal cake made to look like a little sheet cake. Very cute.

Then when with my paycheck in hand I ran to 3 discount stores to finally find the butler. I saw them about a week ago and did not have the money, but it was an amazing price and it is 6 foot tall, talks, head turns, eyes move, chest heaves and he is just as sinister as possible. We are going to start getting everything out this weekend, but the butler has already paid for itself. We had set it up but went to the grocery store only to come home and freak our selves out because there was someone in the house! We are just dorks.

Cake day 4

German chocolate.

Today has been frustrating, only one cake was delivered and calls from Soldier where he has locked himself in his room because 'Iraq is easier'. Tank and his little family were here, and Duke will stop humping Buster. But Fat Cat had dinner ready for me again tonight and it was wonderful.

A Little Stressed

So I am 1/2 day at my new job and 1/2 day at the old job. How is it going you ask? While my trainer is going over some details I get 6 emails from my old boss about things I have not taken care of. There just isn't enough Valium to keep me stable.

But it is Cake Fest day 3

"Sometimes simple is just the best, but you have not tried all the rest."
Yellow cupcake decorated as if it were a full size! Rich chocolate icing.

Day 2

“A month of Cakes, all for you. This one is Carrot, healthy too!”

Miniature bundt shaped carrot cake, with decadent creme cheese icing. Garnished with 4 little carrots made of sugar.

What the Heck is the Matter with Me!

As you all know, I cannot do anything just ‘a little bit’, I am driven to make things over the top. So now I have added little rhymes to the cakes. I have to blame this one on Angel, who came up with the idea. This is letter one-

AS THE MONTH OF SEPTEMBER CAME NEAR
WE WANTED TO DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE SO DEAR
SO WE WONDERED AND WE THOUGHT
MAYBE LOVELY FLOWERS IN A POT?
THAT IS SPECIAL, BUT HAS BEEN DONE
WE NEEDED SOMETHING MUCH MORE FUN!
THEN ANOTHER POEM WE DID REMEMBER
“30 DAYS IN SEPTEMBER……..”

And then a big old number one. The first ones are delivered and well received! Big hit so far.

I have way too much time on my hands, I really do not need a 3 day weekend.

Cake Fest 2008 Begins - Strawberry 'Short' Cake

Day one begins with a moist yellow cake filled with fresh ready ripe strawberry slices and a thin layer of strawberry jam. Covered completely with a thick pure white whip cream icing and garnished a fanned fresh berry on top and a couple on the plate! Measurement - 5 inch by 2 inch!

What a Long Long Long Day

I have spent 99% of today being mad, and figure I am good for another 50% of tomorrow. I went to church (yes, I am still attending, and still singing - I used to be under the impression that those going to church were perfect and therefore I do not belong there, now I realize that you go because you are not perfect and it helps to make sense of things and give you strength - I know, I am getting it now) and I came in all puffed up with positive and get blasted by a negative spewing Fat Cat anger volcano. He is off on his ‘he is being taken advantage of’ binge again . I do not really want to get into the details, but lets just say - he is obviously wrong and I am torqued pretty good.
Trying to stay busy, so that I do not go into the kitchen and sharpen knives, I decide it best to just put all my laundry away (that is a huge task, I can get it washed, I can get it dried, I can even get it folded, but it stagnates in that position, never to go where it belongs). I also cleaned out a huge chest (where I found I had stuffed a huge picture of my father that had made me burst into tears during a raging hormonal episode- I forgot I had put it there and set it out now) then I cleaned out the linen cupboard and pitched a bunch of sheets that really had long out lived their usefulness (there are not even any double beds in my house and I had 6 sets of old sheets !!) . This took most of my day, dotted with calls Soldier (he had lost it last night and sat outside with a sword- he is not allowed to have guns for a time period after return from war- and kept watch until daylight) and from telemarketers who are my only true friends.
I also began Cake Fest 2008, for my mother in law (wait, that would be for Fat Cat’s Mother’s birthday, hmmm, I wonder if taking care of his mother’s birthday is part of taking advantage of him???) and for one of my ex sister in law’s (it is her 65th birthday and she has suffered with cancer this year, and , well, I just plain love her). I have the month planned out and have most of the actual cakes baked (I freeze the undecorated cakes, and then thaw and ice as needed) . These are mini cakes, a little bigger than cup cakes, or cup cake size, I have not gone completely mad. The first 4 days are done and ready to go, I think this will be fun and even Angel said this could be really great (or ‘you could crash and burn with this one’ she also said, but I am trying really hard not to pay attention to that part. )
I am going to crash for the night, take my poor little dog to bed and cuddle with him. He has a swollen anal gland and it is making his life miserable, and today I totally understand having a pain in that area. We both need a serious break.

I cannot take him anywhere

We are at the meat market - Fat Cat reads a sign and proclaims "Frozen Roosters? Who would want to eat a rooster? Do people eat roosters?"

"Roasters. Sir, they are frozen roasters."

He just loses it.

Aww The Irony of it All

Spoke with Number One last night. Have not seen or heard from him since the soldier’s party at our house. I called him, I get frustrated but still love him, and I do miss him, just not all the drama. And of course there was drama, they are moving again (for the second time in barely one year), he and his wife are not getting along all that well. His main problem seems to be his step son - ‘he breaks everything and says he did not do it’ ‘he lies’ ‘he does not do what he is told’. I know I am supposed to be an adult and not blow pop out my nose when I laugh, but this was about the most hysterical thing I have ever hear.
Fat Cat came home from work one day years ago, sat in ‘his chair’ and the arm of it fell completely off. We went out to dinner one night came home, went to put the garage door up and it collapsed as the inside of the garage was completely burned away. Our car and number one disappeared when he was 15. It is only just recently that I have had forks without bent prongs. Lawnmowers, glasses, bowls, VCR’s, toilets,….. The list is never ending, we had 3 of those terrors. There were very colorful stories like when the school called and wanted me to come talk to the counselor about how we could throw out a 16 year old boy so he could live in his car! I asked them if they thought it odd that he was driving a car we paid for, eating the lunch I packed him, and sitting at the dinning room table right now waiting for me to hand him a snack? How about when one of them claimed to be going to school but really sat somewhere else? And not doing what they are told to do? I have a list of things they actually did when I told them, I read it over every once in while to remember my fleeting moments of control.
I amused myself through the rest of our conversation, I amusing myself all evening with the whole thing.
But to Number Once, all I said was ‘he’s a boy, that is what they do.’
What he may not realize is the most important thing he and most boys have broke, a lot of hearts.

What a day!

If my job trainee asks me one more time, ‘how do you figure it out?’, I am going to crack him in the head with my keyboard. (You want to know how I am figuring things out it is because i am not an f&^*&^*&ing idiot! The guys on the floor used to call him Forrest, like the Gump, because he just could not get anything including a joke.) While he is fumbling through the so called instruction, and telling me how I am wasting time providing too much information, my boss is praising his quick thinking. OMG I feel so bad for my poor customers. My Boss's little boy toy is not the sharpest stick in my eye and he has signed up for ’the customer is always trying to rip us off’ school of customer service, which is now the accepted policy of my department. I just do not understand it. If I call somewhere and I hear that attitude in a tone, I get instantly defensive. And honestly, if someone thinks I am trying to cheat them, it is because they are a cheater themselves. Liars suspect other of lying, thieves suspect others of stealing from them. They are this way with my customers, with other departments, and other employees. It must be painful to live like that, to always keep your back against the wall because someone will be waiting with a knife. I will be so glad to be away from this. I am just not conniving enough to be able to out think them.

Actually I have been too busy trying to come up with something special for my mother in law’s and my ex sister in law’s birthdays this year. I have come up with an idea, I want to decorate cupcake’s like real birthday cakes and give them one a day through the month of September. If eating cake on your birthday is supposed to bring you luck for the year, then eating a cake every day for a month out to really be a knockout! I can make the cakes up ahead of time - different flavors- and then ice them for my husband to delivery daily. I really do not think it would be that much work and my be kind of fun for them.

So if I am not in prison or fired for knocking over a file cabinet on my coworker, I think I may starting plotting my cake-fest 2008!

Yet Another Odd Situation

I do not know what to do with this and this is stressing me to the point I am making pudding from scratch and loaf after loaf of zucchini bread. I am torn, simply torn. (maybe that is why my writing is appearing like gibberish, dear Anonymous)

Tank and his girlfriend have a baby, it is not his baby, but he is the man in all the pictures from the hospital and the one getting up at night and helping. He is mad crazy in love with her and the mother too. He has never been so happy and he so wants to share his happiness. And God help me I am trying.

I sent flowers, I visited, I took balloons, I do care. But I am afraid. Afraid he is going to break two hearts this time, or get his double broken. I do not think he realizes how hard it is to give your heart to a child that you have no legal attachment to. He does not realize how important it is to be in this child's life. She will look at those photos of her birth and think he is the father, and if he is gone she will hate him for leaving.

The more I try to act like it is normal the more I babble and speak in gibberish (Yes anonymous, gibberish) and bake and cook and become more and more abnormal. I want to relax with this situation.

I cannot judge him, I am continuously falling in love with babies, and pets, and people. And I drag them through my life, over the bumps and peaks right with me. I cannot let them go. I watch him taking care of them and I know how he is feeling. I just hope he is strong enough for the future, strong enough to heal after a broken heart and strong enough to hold on to them if that is indeed what he wants.

Do You Hear Banjo Music?

So my name should be Judgy Mc Judgerson because I made a huge nasty judgement. We had a wedding to go to, on my husband‘s side. Yeah, you are all making the same cringe. This is his southern family and the wedding was to take place in the Hocking Valley. For those unfamiliar with this area, it is well know for the huge Amish population and stills. Sort of time machine-like - a visit to the ‘hills’. So we get on the computer and we get our Map Quest directions out, and it is only a 3 hour drive (Did Gillian’s Island start out that way?) and then I also printed out the reverse directions because trying to read the existing ones backward is way too complex for us. I get a nice gift, I get a nice dress, I get my husband up from his nap so he can jump into the clothes I have already laid out for him like a little person on the bed. He refused to wear the dress clothes because ‘where the hell do you think we are going?”
We get several calls from Fat Cat’s mom, checking to see if we are going, because they left at noon, we , believers in the Map Quest directions, did not leave until two. Of course, my brother in law called also, because we are like the little ‘retarded’ couple who is often overwhelmed by simple tasks. While Fat Cat screamed at them, Angel gather up our stuff and helped us out the door (okay, we forgot the directions and she had to chase us out the drive way waving the papers and screaming at us.) Then we began our drive, past the hometown of our soldier’s wife, which is what I consider extremely rural, and deep into the heart of (by the count of Dixie flags waving) the deep south. I am not sure how Ohio became so southern, but there is a very large chunk that is still rather clannish, if you know what I mean. The roads became more narrow, and less populated as we went. They became one lane about 30 miles from the final location. I do not mean one lane each direction, I actually do mean one lane. (About this time, I thought maybe he was right and I was freakishly over dressed in my white pumps and sundress) At one point we were actually driving in what seemed to be a corn field. That is all we could see, it was higher than the van and went on for what seemed like miles. We popped out in what seemed to be a drive way but just passed close to a house and next to their barn. Fat Cat commnets that we could be dead back here and no one would be able to find us until we were skeletons, I checked the phone, no signal. Then around a bin and we were suddenly riding along a cliff. (same one lane road, I am not sure which one of us were the most scared, me hanging over the cliff or Fat Cat, scared that a local would barrel down the road at 90 directly at us).
We cam to the end of the road and nothing there, we missed it some how, but within view was a gas station. We drove there and seemed to attract a lot of attention from a car load of gentlemen drinking bear (and I think playing a banjo) But the cashier knew where we were supposed to be and back down the one lane we went and from that direction we could see the sign. Another one lane passage straight up and then we found a small parking lot.
My brother in law came running out, amazed we found it, amazed we were on time. And the wedding began a few minutes later. This part had a beautiful outdoor stone patio that served as a chapel with a massive stone fireplace as the alter, complete with candles and flowers. There was a gorgeous fish pond with rustic fountain and log railed gazebo for the reception. There were manicured gardens and servers running around refilling your drinks before they ice even had a chance to melt. It was wonderful. And the tables were decorated with fresh yellow flowers and soft candles. There were maybe 40 guests but to be honest it was probably one of the nicest weddings I have ever been too.
Of course, Fat Cat pulled us out before it became dark so we missed the dancing, which I am sure was nice also. He was absolutely correct though, it was not only dark, it was black out, and we had made it passed all the scarey parts in the day light, while my in-laws drove around in the dark for an hour before they found their way out. We had us a big hee haw over that one, but we were in awe of the backwoods wedding that was so nice and just a little more than embarrassed of our poor attitude before hand.

Getting Better

Fat Cat came through. He has this uncanny ablility to massage my back and unkink the problem. After I came home early from work - he hit the spot and i am totally pain free! It is a talent. I felt so good I went and got a hair cut. I look marvelous by the way. Then came home and we had a calm evening just the two of us and made plans for tomorrow. Sometimes I forget how it feels to just be alone with him.

God I am OLD

So just how old do you have to be to hurt yourself when you were sleeping? That would be my age, as I woke up at 4 AM with a nightmare that I was giving birth. Now that I thought may have been because Tank's girlfriend had the baby, a lovely tiny princess at 5 lbs 13 oz. But low and behold it was because i was actualy in pain akin to labor. My back still hurts, and I am just about sure that my contractions (aka spasms) are getting closer together and I am seriouly thinking that a trip to the hospital is not far away.

TO DO

Super Memaw List of ‘To Do’s’ for the past week

10. Show that snotty receptionist at the doctor’s office you do not really need that refill you have been calling about for two days, and just go completely off all medications for the week.
9. Work 60 hours worth of work into 40 because you have been on vacation for over a week and are so far behind that you might actually knock a stack of papers over and not be found for another week
8. Babysit for our soldier and his wife every evening while they shop, sleep, watch movies, and / or go to dinner
7. Clean up after two small children and several adults while they shop, sleep, watch movies and / or eat the dinner you have either ordered in or prepared
6. Alternate between sedating your husband while you have houseguests all week and listening to him bitch about having houseguests all week.
5. Watch other grandchildren while the siblings can visit.
4. Entertain your in-laws - and of course their dog- most evenings
3. Try to keep your own two little 4 pound dogs from defending themselves from small children with sticks, stumbling adults, visting dogs, and a short tempered soldier with a knife.
2. Prepare to move to your new position, only to be told that you are not going to move for another week!
And the most important “to do”
1. Bake cookies and make chocolates (including hand painted chocolate strawberries and monogrammed Oreo’s) for 200 guests to a wedding (the same one where you made the mother of the grooms dress - see previous June posts)

I have been a little busy, but it is all done!

“Call Dad, I just lost the dog!“

Fat Cat has a good friend that raises standard poodles, big strong fast poodles. He drives around with them in his Cadillac, he takes them everywhere, including our house. Last week one had a stroke and he had to put it down, leaving him only one big white one. He put it in our back yard and went with Fat Cat on some errands. This would not normally be a problem but Tank was mowing and upon opening the gate the freaking poodle bolted down the road! He called me at work because Fat Cat once again forgot his cell phone, and we do not know his friends cell number. Tank was chasing the dog around the neighbor hood. (“this dog is freaking fast!”). I call another buddy of theirs at work and told him what happened and he did not have the number so he had to call his wife to look it up. In the mean time, Tank has lost the dog and has now resorted to driving around looking for it (“what the hell is it’s name? I keep calling ‘here boy’ and whistling but I don’t even know if it is a boy or what!”) Finally Fat Cat returns and his friend is devastated.
By the time I get home from work, the dog has been missing 3 hours and Fat Cat has resorted to bracing his friend for the possibility that he may not come back. I go with him, we call the dog (his name is Gunther - a giant white poodle with the pompom tail - named Gunther), we ask people that are out mowing, if they have seen them. I am possitve everyone thinks we are nuts, but I do not know what else to do. After 4 and ½ hours, we are all giving up and the poor man is now thinking the dog has been hit by a car (he says the dog is not real bright and I believe him, because when he looks at you, there does not seem to be anyone there. He is just pretty and meant to be looked at, and maybe meant to run real fast.) We go into the house and are not there 10 minutes before one of Fat Cats neighborhood good old boys calls and says he has the dog! You have never seen anyone so happy ever as this dog owner. The neighbor has the dog in his car and pulls in the drive, looking a little frightened, because the dog is in the back seat growling. (“This is the right dog isn’t it, Because otherwise I just stole someone’s poodle“)
Gunther was covered in briars and dirt. He ate all the dog food and drank all the water, but he was home. And I was glad to see him.

How Well Do You Know the Barrell?

Another installation of the Kracker Barrell trivia game:
1. My soldier son and family are due to arrive. They call on Friday and say they will not be arriving until Monday. Giving me the weekend to get the house finished and grocery shop for the week. But the plans suddenly change when they call at 10 PM.
A) They say they are on the way and want to surprise Dad. They will be there in less than an hour!
B) since no one is home, Fat Cat is walking around in his underwear and I cannot think of a reasonable excuse for him to put pants on - surprised are the guests!
C) The dogs start barking and Fat Cat says they “act like someone is here” gets up and start screaming ”there are people in our house.!”
D) I could not stop hugging my soldier even though I was still my cleaning clothes and I had no food to offer them!
E) All of the above.

2. I made no plans, because Soldier did not want to do anything at all while he was home. I told him to rest and feel free to invite who ever to our home as if it was his.
A) With his sister’s and their boyfriends coming over on Saturday, and Grandma and Uncle also stopping by, Soldier decides to invite some close friends - about 30 of them
B) I run to the store and get enough supplies in to feed literally a bunch of soldiers, while Fat Cat gets enough booze for all the military forces.
C) Fat Cat informs me that the sisters and the boyfriends are going to stay all night so that they do not have to drive home and can ‘party’
D) Soldier informs me that his buddies will probably crash at my house because they are coming long distances and will not want to drive home after the ‘party’
E) All of the above

3. Unusual guests are not uncommon but this was a different sort of night
A) Tank, who is plagued with a nasty 24 hour flu bug, introduces his girlfriend to the family, she is expecting, although not his, a child due next month
B) Bo Peep brings her boyfriend who recently failed a drug test and lost the job Fat Cat and Uncle worked so hard to get for him, at a major auto plant
C) Soldier’s cousins from the dark back woods of southern Ohio, who are the nieces and nephews of Fat Cat first wife, arrive (Note - this will highly irate wife one, so Fat Cat is extremely thrilled.)
D) Butterfly brings her new boyfriend who is middle eastern, to the party where there are 3 soldiers including her brother, just back from Iraq
E) all of the above

4. Often at a party where large amounts of alcohol are consumed, things end up going haywire
A) Someone fell into the brand new double lounge chair - causing a leg to bend
B) Same someone as above ran about in his underwear screaming “it is not a real party unless there is a naked fat guy” (Note- honest this was not Fat Cat!)
C) One of Soldier’s cousin’s gets drunk and proceeds to hit on Butterfly (Note- freaking out Soldier because this is his sister and his cousin, and is some how just plain wrong.
D) Someone, no one has claimed responsibility, took my 3 foot Tiki Statue and actually decapitated it.
E) all of the above

5. Beyond just haywire, there can be just too much drama
A) The mini fridge I had bought for uncle and my blender were taken outside and my bar/patio was turned into what seems to be an after-hours establishment.
B) Both Butterfly and Bo Peep ended up being thrown into the pool - fortunately they were fully clothed
C) Soldier got really drunk and told our middle eastern guest he probably killed his relatives (note, the guest remained speechless, which was probably a good move)
D) Angel was asked if she had ‘hid her pot.’ (note - it was a large vase she made in pottery class that rested on a table on the patio before she rescued it from the naked fat guy)
E) All of the above

6. After the party is often the most interesting
A) I had to locate tweezers for a young man that had somehow fallen into my very large live cactus, and was in lots of pain
B) Butterfly and the middle eastern man had left during the night because he was upset that his girlfriend was getting hit on by what he think is her cousin also
C) We went through two pork loins, three whole chickens, homburgs and hot dogs, and everyone was praising Fat Cat for the fine food he cooked (Thank you, he just stood at the grill and flipped it!)
D) A bottle of Tiki Torch fuel was found behind the bar, I have no clue who did those shots!!
E) All of the above

7. But all in all it ends up okay!
A) Everyone finally left and Soldier and I cleaned up. He was full of happiness that he had all of his buddies here.
B) I got to spend an entire night cuddled up with the two cutest babies in the world
C) Tank finally got over the flu
D) The head of the Tiki was glued back on.
E) All of the above

So the first full day of my vacation was really quite exciting! If you answered E to all - then you do really know me!

Part Two

And then the saga continues! (this will make little sense unless you read the previous blog)

Twas the morning of their departure, they were out of sight
Not a sound we were making, quiet was a delight.
Not a aunt nor an uncle were able to move
And both were quick to take a deep snooze.

Fat Cat grabbed his coffee and nestled into his chair
I cleared a spot on the couch and a calm filled the air.
And the puppies both curled up for some slumber deep
And even the cat came out of hiding to curl up beside me and sleep

When out in the driveway there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my cushion to see what was the matter.
Through the door their mamma came with a crash
And all of our quiet was gone in a moment flash

The anger was all over her face as she screamed “OH NO!”
And bellowed the words “The boy broke the window!“
“Soldier said no touching the switches but the boy did not stop
Now the window is down, it will not come to the top.”


With me, little memaw, now so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it wasn’t a trick.
They have missed the funeral and now probably the wake
And all because the window has experienced a brake.

"Mamma, Call the dealer, now call the shop,
No more yelling at the boy, you have to stop!”
This should not happen, it should not be this tough
When is the ever going to be enough.”

Soldier just wanted his inlaws to see him with some class,
And now he was stuck with a new SUV with broken glass
He was heart broken and ready to scream
He was only praying it was all a bad dream

And I in my selfishness could not get it through my head
Why a new window would suddenly go dead
How long will this take to repair?
About the time, I really do care

I have realized during this very long week
That vacations are better spent amoung the meek
And that watching 2 children under the age of four
Is more than what a memaw has asked for.

And I am so tired beyond belief
That their trip away is a relief
And I am so exhausted that I could puke
And now an SUV is making me a dupe

I love them all with every inch of my heart
They are angels, I don’t know where to start
But I am out of practice and worn to the core
And I cannot handle it one day more

So I made a call and begged for assistance
Hoping that there will be no resistance
And after two more hours the window is good to go
Although in appearance, I just do not know

Seems they cannot fix it the right way
And decided to hold it up for a day
With duct tape it is on mend
I am sure a soldier that did not want to offend

But his heart is broke , over this new car
And I again only can think of me so far
I want to have my bedroom back and sleep a complete night
I know that this attitude is just not right

But it is what it is, and that is the honest part
They are on their way after numerous starts
And now I am sitting all alone
I may have to call them on the phone.

Twas the Morning of Their Departure

Okay, I am going to have to Quentin Tarantino this last few weeks. I have been over the top crazy busy with my soldier et al here and they left today! I woke up at 8 expecting to see them almost ready to leave at the designated time of nine a.m., which, loyal readers, you know just was not going to happen! And such began the morning of their departure:

Twas the morning of their departure, when all through the house
Not a guest was stirring, not even a mouse.
No suitcases were packed to begin the day
Faint hopes that my visitors would soon be on their way


The grandchildren were nestled snug in makeshift beds,
While visions of memaw’s cookies danced in their heads.
And mamma and soldier resting in my master suite,
Not one were aware that time cannot be beat.

When out on the room there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my shock to see what was the matter.
Away up the stairs I flew like a flash,
Sprint into the hallway and with mamma I about had a crash.

The shock on her face as she scream the words “OH NO!”
Gave new meaning to the “WE HAVE TO GO!“.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But nothing was packed and the time was so near.

With me, little memaw, now so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it wasn’t a trick.
They will miss the funeral they had to attend,
And nothing was done, where should I begin!

"Now dress! now, pack! now, hurry and wake up!
Mamma go get breakfast, don’t step on the pup!
I will put on the coffee and bag up the toys
Now leap in to action, and help stir up the boys.”

Overwhelmed by the task and the sudden surprise,
They wondered about with a blank look in their eyes.
The had committed to help with a sad situation
Being there was very important, no time for mediation.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard from the kitchen
The whining and crying and a great amount of bitchin’
I drew in my tongue and with quick speed I was there,
Reminding them gently there was no time to spare.


They were all dressed in their Sunday flare,
Our soldier is so handsome I had to stop and stare
His clothes were all pressed by my loving hand
And he stood before me, such a good man.

His children, how they twinkled! Their smiles so bright!
Their cheeks were like roses, their shoes new white.
And mamma was running back and forth from the SUV
Loading and setting up the children with a DVD

This is their new vehicle, a really large one for sure
So that my soldier can feel a little secure
They have owned it just for one night
And now will travel two hours to do what is right.

The truck is so large , black, tinted, and grand
And I screamed when I saw it, in the house I had ran!
A wink of the lights and a shake of my head,
Soon gave me to realize I had nothing to dread.

It took two hours to finally get them on their next trip,
All clothes but the dirty were packed with zip
I waved my arms from the porch as they climbed aboard
And backing out the drive way my happiness soared

Pappa sprang from his ‘sleep’ and gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard them exclaim, ‘ere they drove on their way,
"We love you guys, we will be back on Monday!“

(I need a drink)