kracker barrel

It is my home, my neighborhood, and my history. It is what I am and where I came from. Embarrassing? Yes Boring? Never

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I am Going to Live in a Box

I went to the ladies room, where upon I found myself unable to open the stall door after completion of my task. I actually became somewhat panicked because

1) I would have to be in there until someone came and helped me, which of course would be someone that would hugely embarrass me, probably like a director or something. I would be considered an imbecile and probably laid off as soon as possible. Then I would lose my house, and have to live in a box.

2) I would have to crawl out under the door, which would result in ruining my dress clothes, at the least. I would without a doubt get some form of hepatitis. And I would be definitely spotted crawling on the floor by my coworkers, who would have to report my insane behavior and I would be ‘allowed’ to leave for medical reasons. Then I would have everything I own repossessed, sold at auction, and have to live in a box.

3) I would completely have a melt down because I would flash back to my childhood, when at about 4 or 5 – it was Christmas morning and my door was stuck and I could not get out and they could not bust open the door because I would not get out of the way. I was in hysterics and obviously severely traumatized because at this moment I am about to have the same reaction. And start screaming and crying about Santa and gifts and help me help me. Which would show that I am having a mental breakdown, and when I get out of the institution I will have lost all my family because of their humiliation and I will have to live in a box.

Then I reached over and turned the lock the other way and let myself out. Sometimes I just over react.


Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Use Your Uterus

My call at lunch today--

"I cannot find my #$%^&;^(* teeth! I am probably going to have to go to the doctor's without them. (*^&(*&;(%^("

"Did you have them this morning?"

"Yes, that is the *&!!;^*&$#%%^;^ aggravating part because I had them in my hand to go clean them and now they are gone. They are here somewhere. Unless the (*&!!!;(* dogs got them, then I am &!$$#*."

"When you went to clean them what do you do?"

"I went upstairs and I noticed that one of the (*& (*&; fish was dead. I do not know what I did that is causing these fish to just drop dead. I clean the tanks; I balance the water, then all the sudden dead fish. I think the other (*&a ;*(&a ; fish are killing them1"

"Go up by the fish tanks"

"Okay, but I really need to find my teeth. I have to leave here in about 10 minutes and I need my &a ;^^&; teeth. I sure hope that I did not throw them away or something, I'm gonna dump out the trash in the bathroom, and maybe the one by the fish tanks. &a ;%*&a ;^(*"

"Don’t dump the ...."

"I found my ^&** teeth, they were right her on the table by the tanks, &**&%* I have to go"

"What about the trash?"

"I will get it later, I got to clean these and get out of here."

"Hey, why did you call?"

"Well, normally you find everything, you told me that the uterus is like a homing device, and mine was not working."


"Thanks, but I did not even need you, I found them"

"Your uterus must have kicked in"

Repost-- I feel fine........

As easter approaches, I was reminded of how fun they have been in the past, i found this old post and put it on here again.  It makes me chuckle!

Monday, March 24, 2008


White trash holiday weekend Quiz

1. You will not be having Easter at your house next year because

A) You will be doing 25 to life for killing the entire family last year

B) You will be in Hawaii on the insurance money from your husband being murdered last year

C) you will be having pureed ham in your room at the 'hospital' after your breakdown

D) you decide that if you blog it, maybe it will not seem so freakishly hideous

2. You spend the Friday night before the holiday -

A) Shopping for all the food for the dinner, because you did not have any money until Friday

B) Shopping for your mother in law because she asked you to pick up a birthday present while you are out, because she is too busy and you are going to Walmart at midnight anyway

C) You do the week worth of dishes that your husband, who is home all day every day, did not find time to do.

D) Your oldest son's second baby momma shows up with your hyperactive grandson to drop off a gift for the impending birthday party and proceeds to tell you your son no longer has a driver's license because he is so far behind in his child support

E) All of the above.

3. The Saturday before the holiday is really busy because,

A) You have to attend a birthday party for your juvenile delinquent granddaughter at your oldest son's first Baby Mama's house

B) You have to find a ride home from the birthday party because your husband 'does not feel well' and leaves after about 10 minutes.

C) You have a weeks worth of laundry to put away because no one in the house is able to identify their own clothes.

D)You have to listen to your husband rant about how little the ham is that his brother actually bought for the holiday (note, the first time anyone else actually bought the meat for the holiday)

E) All of the Above

4. Easter eve is always hectic because

A) Your brother in law shows up with a new ham but hints that he is a little hungry

B) You are prepping all the food to feed an unknown number of guests around 2 the next day

C) Your son and daughter, go pick up and pay for pizza and wings because you are too busy

D) You dye eggs with your grown children at 1 AM and cannot stop laughing

E) You blurt out 'I feel fine' for no apparent reason other than to give your children ammunition for making fun of you all the next day (note, you do not really feel fine)

F) All of the above

5. Easter morning is excruciating because

A) you have to get up at 6 to start the dinner for what is now 16 people

B) your son in Iraq calls just to tell you he loves you, and how he was ambushed and very frightened and you let him tell you and you try to sound amazed and proud

C) you spend an hour throwing up and bawling because your son in Iraq called to tell you he loves you and how he was ambushed and very frightened

D) Your husband is ranting, literally ranting, about how Easter was almost ruined with the wrong ham

E) Your daughter in law calls because she is in Georgia on an army base alone, with a husband in Iraq and she is crying and worried and you have to lie to her and tell her it will be fine

F) your mother in law calls to tell you she can reimburse the birthday present Monday, but she will have to give you a check because the ATM will not give her cash.

G) all of the above

6. Easter dinner was a little chaotic because

A) Your step daughter from your first marriage brings her two foster children who are 3 and crack babies, to dinner and continually screams at them to "settle down, leave things alone, don't touch that,"

B) Your step daughter from this marriage brings her boy friend and her husky/ border collie/ lab / beagle mix dog to dinner

C) your mother in law brings her check that 'should be good on Monday' and her shiatsu to dinner

D) your two crazed inbred Pomeranians begin alternately humping and fighting the intruding two new male dogs (note, all are marking their territories, hence more screaming)

E) your husband and his brother are almost at fist-a-cuffs because of the f***ing ham

F) All of the above

7. Directly after dinner, things do not settle down much because

A) the dogs had been forced outside, where it was extremely muddy and you have to give your Pomerania a bath (note, your step daughter did offer but your dog bites and you do not need that at the moment)

B) You tell the crack babies that the shrimp are really baby snakes, which you soon realize makes them scream and run

C) your grandson, son, and future son in law are in another room playing video games and kicking all the other kids out of the room

D) your husband will not shut up about the stupid ham

E) Your step-daughters and your husband keep disappearing into the garage and then returning all red eyed and devourer all the desserts

F) Your Step daughter's boyfriend now has to give his dog a bath

G) All of the above

8. The crowd starts to thin out and you realize

A) Your house now smells like wet dog and dog urine

B) You forgot to turn off one of the crock pots and the noodles are really thick and extremely hot C) You are the only one doing dishes

D) You may not have showered in two days

E) all of the above

9. In an effort to find the positive side of things

A) You realize you have managed to get all the dishes done

B) your step daughter did clean up after the crack babies

C) your son is staying home tonight so he can go to a job interview in the morning

D) Your daughter in law in Georgia has made it through the last major holiday that she will ever have to spend on her own

E) The police did not show up this time

F) All the food tasted fantastic, not one bad dish

G) You are going to have to tell someone about this weekend

H) All of the above

Answers : You know the answers! And all of them are true, every last ridiculous detail. And when asked how I was doing all i can say is "I feel fine!"

Friday, February 10, 2012

I'll String Along with You

"You may not be an angel, 'cause angels are so few
But until the day that one comes along, I'll string along with you
I'm looking for an angel, to sing my love song to
And until the day that one comes along, I'll string along with you

For every fault that you have, dear, I've got three or four
The human little faults that you do have, just make me love you more
You may not be an angel, but still I'm sure you'll do
So until the day that one comes along, I'll string along with you"

My mother loved this song, I heard her in my sleep last night, humming it over and over.  I woke up with it in my head and heart.  It is so funny when it happens, those moments when she seeps into my dreams and gives me something to smile about.   I miss her.