Day Two

“On the Second day of Christmas, my loving family gave to me
----------- Two turtle doves, ------------------“

I may have just bitten off more than I can chew
But you know how I am, there is nothing I can do

Turtle doves, I have not a clue
So off in search to fine someone that knew

Exasperated, I finally asked your brother
He said it has to be one or the other

It cannot be both, was the vote from each
So I Googled them, but this is really a reach…………….

Kracker Carol--------------

“On the second day of Christmas, my confused and frustrated family gave to me
Two dozen turtles made of dove chocolate
And a pair of drunken Partridges in a Charlie brown tree”

(this time it was candy, and he has no clue yet that this is for 12 days, he thought the tree was it!! Funny!

The 12 days of Xmas begin.........

“On the first day of Christmas, my loving family gave to me
-----------A partridge in a pear tree------------------“

Wow, Christmas has snuck up again this year,
And I am really pressed to bring you holiday cheer!

I struggled hard and worried almost all night
Because I wanted to do this just right

I wanted to bring the carol to life, make it real
To show you just exactly how we really feel

But of course my brilliant plans are all a skew
And I have to resort to what I can actually do!

Okay, it is not a partridge and it is not a pear tree,
so the Kracker carol will be……………………

“On the first day of Christmas, my mentally disturbed over worked stressed out loved one gave to me ……………..

A pair of drunken Partridges in a Charlie brown tree

(I found mug shots of Danny Bonaduce and David Cassidy and printed them out, made ornaments and stuck them on a charlie brown tree, my poor brother in law does not know what he is in for! This is waiting on his table at home!)

I am at it Again

I am gearing up for some Xmas fun! I can;t get my tree out of the shed but at least I am in the spirit!

THE HISTORY OF RAP

This is the truth and I will say it to the end
There is only one person and I say it again
That started the rap, that began it all,
In all of our youth when they were really quite small

It was the Seuss, the Doctor you remember
Who’s volume of words ate up forests of timber
His endless rhyme and rhythm of the word
Set in motion a pattern they all have heard

So they grow up, these children of ours
To spit forth the words in crowds of bars
With countless forms of simple rhyme
That gives birth to rap artists in their own time

The familiar bounce, the turn of phrase
Bubble up from them deep in a blue smoke haze
They sing forth their trouble, their fears, and their fight
All with full echo of words in the poems we read at night

Now some will smirk and say I’m lying
My theory of how it started they are not buying
But think back, all the books that have his name
Were read by all those in the hall of rap fame

He penned his first going back to 1937
And now he looks down from heaven
But Dr. Seuss, the rhyming king you surely are
Showing us how words alone can make anyone a star!

Insightful Fat Cat

"You know what my mother says to me when she calls her?"

"No"

"One of two things, Either - 'is your wife at home?' or 'have you seen your brother?' that is it, one of those too, not how are you Fat Cat, what is going on Fat Cat."

"Oh, I better call her back."

"Nice, real nice."

A Quarter of a Century

The weekend our Butterfly turned 25 and the party was all about The Sweet Sweet Life of Our Butterfly. The below story was on a huge board with each of the Sweets listed (yes all 25) layed out on a big table. Made her cry, did not want that, but it was Sweet......


From sugar and spice and all things nice, 25 years ago the sweet sweet life of Butterfly began. She wore candy necklaces and ate penny candy (1- store treats) and loved a gum ball (2-see large dispenser). As a little sweetie, she loved all her holidays, like Easter with scavenger hunts and big stuffed bunnies and jelly beans (3- Jelly Belly assortment).

When she received more than just boxes Butterfly loved her Christmas’s, especially when she was old enough to help Santa (which was needed because Santa is a little klutzy, remember?) and helping Grandma with the cookies. (4-white chocolate brownie balls). The lighter holidays like St Patrick’s day (5-Irish Crème Sticks) and Valentines day (6- Milk Chocolate covered peanuts) (Remember the time you thought only April got the gift card?), although delicious were not her special days.
Thanksgiving was totally fun with unlimited pumpkin pies (7-pumpkin pie with spray whipped topping) but none of these were her favorite…..The day of her people, Halloween, which reigns supreme in the eyes of our dear Butterfly! (8-Reeces cups )

Besides the joy of the holidays, there were other occasions that were delectable to precious Butterfly … The weddings of her brother Number one to Plain Jane (9- banana cake with whipped cream icing) although the wedding severely effected her birthday extravaganza she forgave them, as is her nature. Then the was the event of Soldier and Coach's` (10- chocolate covered strawberries). The births of her nieces and nephews filled her heart with love (11- chocolate cup cakes, the are ‘filled’)

Butterfly, on of ‘our’ three princesses , visited Disney (12- Mickey chocolate covered Oreos) with Uncle Craig and spent another the summer with Dad at the water park (13- Watermelon). But time has proven Butterfly is much more adventurous than anyone could have predicted.

She packed up and went to Pittsburg where she learned of the world (remember your car being broken into, and getting lost on the way home?) (14- Tiramisu) and ghost hunted and walked (15 -Tootsie roll ghosts) with brother Tank who shares her interest in the ‘other’ world.

Always the apple (16-Whole grain Apple muffins) of her father’s eye, she spent many Sundays (17-Ice cream sundaes) at his side, learning about life and colorful language. She has studied the language of love - French (18 Crème Brule). She studies hard now to someday claim her fame and fortune (19-Fortune Cookies).

There has been times our fair Butterfly has been blue (20- blue berry tarts) but usually her sweetness shines through. She is as smooth as butter, or peanut butter, (21- fudge) and is as comfortable eating sushi as she is eating a hamburger and fries (22- peppermint patty between vanilla wafers). I do not mean to be cheesy (23- star cherry cheese cakes) but she is the prize in the Cracker Jack (24- again, self explanatory)

We are truly blessed to have Butterfly in our lives. It is not every child who wants to go to ‘Prison’ (24-Prison Jello, orange with carrots, pineapple and raisins) (don’t want to ruin the birthday but really getting desperate now, low on ideas) with her parents.

She is so loved. And these 25 years have been wonderfully sweet!

Perfect quote

“What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal. ”
—Albert Pike
(1809-1891); Attorney, Writer, Soldier

Shower Power

For an interesting idea- a bridal shower in a Medieval theme, you can adapt as you need, the parcels contain the cleaning item listed beside them but the actual letter did not include the name of the item.

Dear Lady _____,

Hear ye, hear ye, today the sixteenth of July, in the year of the Lord, two thousand and ten, we gather together to celebrate the …(open wrapped parcel 1)…..Dawn of a royal new … (open wrapped parcel 2)……. Era. The sacred union of Marriage is not a journey to underestimate or to enter into with the spirit of a crusade. Some days it will be pure ………(open wrapped parcel 3) …….Joy but unfortunately, there will be those other times that will try the patience of the young Fair ____. There may come a time when you realize your big …… (open wrapped parcel 4)

…. brawny mate is not necessarily …. (open wrapped parcel 5)
…. Mr. Clean. When this and other equally frustrating moments occur, do not … (open wrapped parcel 6)..shout but choose instead to go …… (open wrapped parcel 7)… Easy-on the poor bloke. And God willing the .. (open wrapped parcel 8) … Tide will change post haste and tensions will .. (open wrapped parcel 9) …. Vanish, and your marital relationship will … (open wrapped parcel 10) … Bounce back to normal.

We think you and Sir _____are a … (open wrapped parcel 11) … Fantastic couple with a …. (open wrapped parcel 12) .. Zest for life and a sincere appreciation for each other. We fully support you, as you …… (open wrapped parcel 13) …… Pledge to spend your lives as one.

We wish you all the best, including love, happiness and lots of time to……
(open wrapped parcel 14)……Snuggle!.


Everone loved it - and points for creativity!

In Case You thought My Life has Suddenly Turned Calm

The Tall Ships (pirate like sale boats) were on the Lake for viewing / touring, something I have always wanted to do, and finally got Fat Cat in the spirit, although reluctant. But stepped onto the porch to leave when we realized we had locked ourselves out of the house first off. My already grumpy (raise your hand if at all surprised) husband had to break into our own house to get the keys to the van. (note - a dog escaped without us knowing it, and Angel came home hour later, to a scared little dog running up the street. We managed to get to Cleveland fairly without drama but could not find our way out of the parking deck (raise your other hand if at all surprised) Whilst roaming through the underground layers of cars, I begged (okay, bitched at) my husband to go back for the umbrellas, he thought me silly and finally relented but only grabbed my little fold out not the giant golf umbrella we also brought. We popped out onto the street and we were about 100 years from the van and the sky opened up and drenched us. And of course, Fat Cat had to take out his hearing aids so we really could not talk, without shouting, so that was frustrating. Then I got yelled at for trying to get on a boat that was not on the tour,(in the line of ships, looked like the other ships, had a table in front of it, and flags all over it, but apparently that was my own stupidity not a glaring problem or anything) And of course Fat Cat kept calling the woman an A^&^&%^& every time we saw her. Fat Cat had some kid in line behind him that kept splashing him with the muddy dock water, and touching his butt (Yes, Fat Cats butt - very very odd). My glasses were so messed up from all the rain, that I could not see and Fat Cat could not hear but we were there about 3 hours, toured all the ships I felt like touring. Then were nearly mugged (the guy was obviously following us and getting closer as we approached the deck) on the way to our car, fortunately my husband was so flaming angry by this point that before we got to the parking deck he whipped around and confronted the sleaze ball, who abandoned the mugging, and scampered off. I loved the ships , the rest of the day – not so much. But as you can tell things are all the same here.

Sorry for the Lack of Posts

Sorry, but I have been trying to eat healthy and diet, which appearantly i cannot do whilst posting, watching TV or cleaning. Seems I can only diet while at work or sleeping. and it makes me a little tense, not quiting smoking tense, but I will smack your face if you ask me to get you anything to eat or if you mention chocalote at all or if i just feel like it. Not very nice behavior for a Memaw.

I Hear Nothing

They all left last night after a complete meltdown, a battle of the diva's, a major holiday dinner of 22, and of course, laughter. Half hour after all had left, the dogs had dropped where they stood, and Fat Cat and I were collasped on our respective couches. And what is that we hear? Silance, damn is it nice!

FULL HOUSE-- SURPRISE

Soldier and family showed up Saturday, after turmoil and drama at the other stops. They crashed, i panicked to get into town for supplies as they announced they will be here until Monday! I cannot get out of work, the kids are entrusted to FAT CAT, and a slew of relatives have visited daily. I am taking up serious drinking.

All Things Creepy

You know in scary movies where the girls turn their backs and suddenly the men are gone? You know how you think, 'how ridiculous is that, so unreal?' Well let me tell you that when you are in a giant closed down prison build in the 1800's at night, with only flashlights and you and the person who has known you longer than pretty much everyone on the planet and you turn around and you are the only two people, it happens! All i could say was if we had been wearing nities or bikinis an ax murderer would have suddenly apeared! I wore granny panties to make sure they were kept at bay.

I paid for this joy, for Fat Cat to have a birthday present of ghost hunting (like those TV shoes) so i found a woman who does it, booked me, fat cat, tank, bo peep and Butterfly for an evening (until 2 am!) ghost hunt in Mansfield Reformatory (they filmed the Sawshank Redemption there!)
Freakishly scary and haunted and such an eternally sad place, it wraps you up in fear and sends your heart racing.

Nothing like putting your selves in the midst of a panick on a bone chilling evening, armed only with flashlights and recording devices, to bring you all together! I loved it, absolutely loved it! Got my palm read, too.

What do I know?

Soldier and crew were due in Ohio 3/15. Could not pin them down to the day and time they would be at our house. Three weeks they are on vacation (yes, i told them it was ridiculous to take their son our of school for 3 weeks and take all his vacation at one time--- in March--- in Ohio--- But what do I know) They could not get out of the house until 3/18 (the baby was not feeling well, and conveniently that gave them time to actually pack, despite my prodding to get it done the weekend prior, but what do I know?). Then they left just in time to hit 5:00 traffic in St Louis. (I know, it seems odd that they would drive themselves into it, but again, what do I know?) Then they end up driving only another hour and stay in a hotel. They make it another few hours on 3/19, and land with Soldiers friends still 3 hours away from me. But near his real mother, who does not have time to spend with them ( yet again, as is always the story, which i tried to brace him for, so he would not turn into that little 8 year old waiting for her to love him, but what do i know) They stay there until yesterday, then moved on to his wife's family, where fighting has already started and Soldier is ready to go back to Iraq rather than deal with these people (how can they expect to have peace when Grandpa - 80, a smoker on oxygen, mother in law, legally crazy smoker, sister, possible meth head and smoker, 2 children one a month old- second hand smokers, baby daddy , works part time, smoker, baby daddy son by previous baby momma who is in jail - how can this not be fun - what do I know)

I think I am reaching the point in life where I am freakishly wise and omnipotent. Maybe i am clairvoyant or just a genius, but I predict they will show up her early next week at the latest, broke (because the income tax check just is not going to make it much further) and broken (in spirit because the fantasy homecoming is just not what they thought it would be). And I will wait it out, while Fat Cat frets and bitches, for the call and the tears, and the safe landing. This is what I know.

Stupid Stupid Jesse James

My husband has a huge man crush on Jesse James, and when he married Sandra Bullock, well, he became a near God in the eyes of Fat Cat. But now - even he has lost respect for this man he so admired.

"What the hell, he threw perfection away for a whore. I don't want to be him any more."

Knew It Was Bad

Friday was just cursed. All I wanted was a stupid vending machine pastry, but no, i cannot retain the numbers in my head long enough to punch them in correctly. What did i end up with? Not a cherry turnover as I so desired, but some salami tube that i brought home and fed the dogs. Which by the way gave them horrid gas and poop.

UGH

The Haunting

He is haunting me lately. Whispering to me while I sleep, waking me - then gone with a breath. Arriving in my dreams with laughter one moment - then in the next he appears as he did at the end. I want to sleep to hear his voice again. I miss him, my father. It has been forever but in my dreams he is there looking at me with all the love a father could have. In my dreams I run and jump into his arms, but also I hold him in mine as he grows cold and lifeless - again and again, over and over. The joy the haunting brings, is often crushed when I relive loosing him, worth it though, every single little second.

I HATE SUNDAYS, IT MEANS MONDAY IS NEXT

I hate this, I want to be the person that stays home.

Halloween - And the addiction continues

Fat cat is bored, never good--so he has once again allowed his addiction to control him. He has taken two of my Tupperware very expensive very nice bowls (I only have a few that I can actually find the lids) and about 32 feet of PVC pipe and paint and fibers to create.....








A really large (and by that I do mean bigger than a lawn tractor, but smaller than a mini van) nasty scary spider.






This thing is about 3 foot high and 4 foot across. It's eyes glow, it stands up on its own legs and he is trying to figure away to make it mobile. He is about to build a herd of them!!! Hide your Tupperware my friends!!

Fried-n-heimers

Ok, so when we put the new floors in our house, we removed some of the unsitely cold air return grates and have not been able to find replacement ones. Which is appearantly a very difficult task. Fat Cat measured the one that is still on that looks like crap. 15 x 9. Excellent. But we have went to every freaking hardware do it yourself store in the greater Kracker Barrell area but we cannot find them. our house is not that old, but it seems that the new ones use a new measurement for the ductwork, so we are stuck. Fat Cat decised he is going to have to build some sort of frame for one that is a little smaller, so we go home and he takes off the nasty grate and we clean out the hole and he measures it. the opening is 14 x 8. Hmmm. could it be the grate that you buy is by the opening size and not the size of the old nasty grate? Why yes, yes it is. I could say nothing, I am still trying to the the soap cream off the sheets and pillows.

Worst Lotion on the Planet, YUK

So for Christmas Butterfly really went overboard for me, and one of the many gifts were these wonderful Cashmere Lotions from Bath and Body. I had not tried them before and everyone said they were fantastic. I had not used them yet, and the other night while laying in bed i thought how nice it would be to have the lotion on my night stand so i could put it on my hands and feet when i don't have to get back up. The next day I put them on the stand. Determined to use them, one a cream and one a lotion. I forgot about them until last night when i went to bed and my neck was really dry and AAHHAA I just happen to have lotion. So i grab the tube of cream and i squirt a glob on my hand and rub it on my neck and winter dry hands and arms. It was really sticky and would not absorb in. And the smell was over powering. OMG. Nasty it was. Thick and sticky and clumpy. I tell you it was horrible. I decided right then in the morning I would throw out this lumpy sticky stinky stuff. I awoke and found my arms were still sticky. OMG. I put on my glasses and after gettting the nutty dogs plucked out of the morning snow drift. I came back up and grabbed the tube to pitch it, i looked at the lable as I walked to the trash. Cashmere SHOWER CREAM.

That is totally different - sleeping all slathered up in soap is not that great for the skin. I put the tube in the shower. I tried the actual lotion. it is really really nice. totally not sticky. What a freaking nut job.

I Give Already

I have been stuck in my driveway - both going in and going out. my boots and shoes are all salt covered. My dogs are peeing all over the porch because they can't go into the snow, it is deeper than they are tall. The white is blinding, the temperature is plumiting, and i am getting stagnet and stiffled. I am ready to just pack up and head to Jamamaca. Because it is ja-makin-me crazy!

Fat Cat's B-day

Cable Guy Jacket- means one of those flannel zip up coats with a hood

His mother gave him one for Xmas and one for his birthday, his response after peaking in the gift bag:

"I don;'t have to open it - it is one of those cable guy jackets. Like you gave me at Xmas, like you gave me the year before, just like the 6 in closet that still have tags, because I DO NOT WEAR CABLE GUY JACKETS!!!! I apparently collect them, but i have never worn them. Did you get a bunch of them for like $4 or something? We rescheduled my birthday party because you and my brother are leaving for Florida tomorrow together, he gets me nothing, and you get me another cable guy jacket, WTF? Why did we bother? And everyone wonders why i keep flipping out! I have to buy your husband $100 Xmas gift, and he cannot even come down two houses and wish me a happy birthday."

Of course they still stayed for dinner. They will be back next week, he will be over it by then. I hope.

SECRET FOR HAPPINESS

I have told this to my daughters over and over:



If it has tires or testicles it will give you nothing but trouble and you will never fully understand it.



Accept this and move on.

SHOUT OUT TO THE FEB BIRTHDAYS!

Where are my prizes? (Fat Cat bounces out the house!)

What?

It is the month of my birthday I get prizes, where are they?

Are you six? And it is presents you get for birthdays.

Well sometimes you get surprises for your birthday.

Okay Sir Prize, (Fat Cat's new rap name I think) how about I don't put ground glass in your dinner.

It was worth a shot. How 'bout we stop and get chicken for dinner?

IT NEVER ENDS

I swear - I am one pit bull away from being the White Trash Queen

CHUCK E CHEESE

All of life's lessons are learned at the Cheese:



1. the more money you have the more fun you 'appear to have' but we all leave with nothing

2. Even the worst boring food with laughter as an appetizer, is well worth the trip.

3. spend what you have wisely because there may not be more available and your choice may seem ridiculous after it is spent

4. it is always better to run and laugh with a friend

5. when you are losing or just upset it is your parents who are always there for you

6. just keeping up is exhausting (Whack a mole)

7. anything that looks easy probably isn't (skeet ball)

8. surprise are not always pleasant and warm like you would like (the ball pit)

9. things are crowded, keep an eye out for the people who love you


and the most important lesson


10. Giant Mice are Scary



I have not been recently but another blogger reminded me of the sheer joy

My Flowers Creep Out my Co-workers

I know this may be morbid but after the funeral my nephew was trying to get people to take home flower arrangements. The one I actually bought was too big but i liked a small one with spring colors. I took it into work today and made the mistake of telling a couple people where the arrangement came from.

FREAK OUT

They do not look like funeral flowers or anything but now they are all weirded out. I did not realize this was not a socially acceptable practice. Oops. Oh well, they are pretty, and I like them!

DONT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOUR BEST FRIEND

I have seen the worst possible situation in the last two days. A gorgeous proud woman lay in front of her friends and family in some damn memaw sweater with jewelry that did not match. WTF? Seems her husband - who I do understand is really distraught - picked out her clothes.

OMG -- DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME!!!

Please swear to me (and to ALL your other girl friends) that you will not let your husband or your sons (unless of course they are gay and capable of such a task) pick our your burial clothes. This has me hugely upset to the point that I may have to form some sort of support group or at the least plan my funeral ahead of time!

I swear to my friends here and now I will not allow their husbands to humiliated them with mismatched apparel! I promise, I promise.

Good Bye Sue

At rest, my beautiful Sue, the easy laugh has drifted away and her perfume no longer lingers. The lipstick kisses are all washed away Her only son, battered and exhausted from all the week of hell, held her lifeless hand and wept. We all did.

I am so glad I was there, to make sure she knew how much I love her, and so she could hear my voice, the voice that is my mothers, the calm one, the soothing one. My Mother was waiting for her, the coffee on, the potatoes frying, and the table set for a gab fest. My Brother is there too so they can watch their son and grandchildren together.

Techno-Tarded

Yeah, that is me, I have a new phone I cannot work! I made it up, it fits I think

My Heart is Breaking Again

For those of you who remember the ‘Cake of the Day’ craziness, will remember they went to both my mother in law and my ex-sister in law. It breaks my heart to tell you, but my ex sister in law was transported to Hospice Comfort Care this weekend. This was the person who held my hand while my mother passed and the person who’s hand I will hold while she passes.


(On a ‘what are the odds?’ note, she is in the same room that Fat Cat’s uncle was in last month, the same exact room, the same bed, everything – and it is a giant place. Funny God, real funny.)

Nasty Brat Kid

So my eyes keep swelling up and they hurt and are flaming beet red. The first time it happened was after spending a weekend baking cookies with my mother in law. So it could have been
a) I have developed an allergy to some cooking product
b) I rubbed my eyes with brutal substances like powdered sugar or peanut butter after bursting in tears from exhaustion.
c) it is stress related.
I went with c and moved on. Then after spending 12 hours in a car with my husband on our way to Missouri my eyes swelled up again, like I had been beaten. It was either
a) I have developed an allergy to my new Mary Kay make up
b) I rubbed my eyes with hand sanitizer or gasoline after bursting into tears from frustration
c) it is stress related.
After throwing away about $60 worth of make up because everyone else thinks it is ‘a’ I am positive it is ‘c’ and moved on. Then I awoke yesterday after returning to work from the holidays to even worse swollen eyes and pain. It could have been
a) I have redeveloped an allergy to something that will required decades of testing and medication
b) I may have rubbed diet Pepsi or dust in my eyes when crying because I had to go back to work after 10 days off, my husband was already complaining he was bored, my ex-sister in law is in the hospital with a liver issue, and the bills are arriving!!!
C) it is stress related.
I call the doctor once I get to work and get an appointment at lunch time. I race home and have my husband drive me because I have only slits to see through and I am very upset, and of course, I am disrupting his day. The doctor takes one look at them, and explains that I have extremely dry skin around my eyes that is that is cracking and flaking and turning into eczema because I am making it worse my rubbing them, scrubbing them, and stripping the make off with toxic chemicals. He informs me that he sees this a lot in young children because they cannot stop touching their eyes with their hands. Nice. So I take my dirty kindergartener self to the pharmacy get my steroid cream and extra moisturizer and go back to work. Great. It has been a long time since someone called me a filthy little kid, I guess I should be thankful.