Beware the Screaming Monkey Head

Once upon at Time at BJ's (okay - that is just fun to see, giggle giggle) warehouse club, Fat Cat and I stumbled on a stack of remote controlled planet of the ape looking chimpanzee heads. Very frightening human size heads with hair and movable eyes and curling lip. They were $40 and I did not have the money and despite the childlike pleas of Fat Cat I just could not justify a purchase of a big old Screaming decapitated Monkey head. Well a week later, and odd as this is, during Xmas shopping, we saw the same thing - only $200 - in a major department store. Fat Cat started screaming (not unlike the Monkey Head) and demanded that we return to BJ's (giggle giggle) to get one because it was a great deal like he told me. He did see it as a wonderful addition to our Halloween display and it would have been. Had I bought it when we saw it, because we went back to BJ's (giggle giggle) and they were out of Screaming Monkey Heads!!

For over two years when ever i hesitate to make a purchase that is a real 'bargain' I get to hear again how I have ruined our Halloween display because we do not have a Screaming monkey head. In fact on our way to a giant flea market / livestock auction this weekend, I was told how we have to be careful not to have another screaming monkey head incident. We were not there 10 minutes when a Grateful Dead guy in a van with folding tables had.......................................... a screaming Monkey head. I willingly handed off the $20 bucks, well worth not having to get the monkey head lecture and it is truly just about the creepiest thing ever.

Check it out at www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOTayCwHZOk, of course, ours is not new! Got to love a remote controlled screaming monkey head!

The Flowers are Gone!

I put flowers on the graves for Memorial day, a pleasant NOT task I took over after my mother past. I know a lot of dead people, so I get a lot of flowers. I get the same geraniums in little pots and then pick them up at the end of the holiday. After a fantabulous four day weekend, took off Friday, I went to gather them up and found the ones on one set of my grandparents graves were missing which was odd until I found they were also missing on my other grandmothers. Felt a little creepy. Are times that tough that someone has resorted to stealing plants off graves? I took myself a look around, because frankly, i paid real money for my plants and an eye for an eye and all, the grave yard owes me some freaking flowers. I notice not many potted little plants are left around the cemetery. Obviously it was just not me that had been violated. Ugh. Fortunately when I went to the next cemetery the plants were still intact. But lesson earned. Beautiful little plants need to be actually planted - retraining to get them may no longer be feasible.

I am Starving

Actually we are flashing back to Saturday when we tried to help a Cancer victim and a local merchant only to end up completely mortified.

First we get up and hit the flea market, but on the way we saw, in our little neighborhood a nice little BBQ stand set up (like the kind you see at the fair) and decided when we were done shopping we would stop by for lunch. We had originally planned to stop at a carnival (set up in the grocery store parking lot) but well, sometimes those carnivals teeter to the creepy side, and you just can't be sure you are not going to run into some future stalker or see someone from America's most wanted. And we wanted to support our local economy and this was pretty much a given to be a local group.

So we get our veggies and fruits and ecoli from the flea market and when we get near home, we stop at the stand. We walk up and get a big old view of rather hefty thick woman, which usually is a sign of a good cook, and her four rather big boned teenage assistants. They had sausage sandwiches, ribs, burgers,hot dogs - totally what Fat Cat was ready for!!

We get one of everything (note, we now have both quit smoking and have opted to replace that habit with gorging ourselves) and we ran home to angel's delight with our treasures. Fat Cat opens his sausage sandwich, to find it has just onions on it. Now we have eaten a lot of street vendor sausage sandwiches and never saw just onions on top of a gray sausage. Yuk. To the dogs with that. The coney dog was pretty much canned sauce but Fat Cat ate it. Angel took the cheese burg ate one bite declared it a 'school' burger and sent it off to the dogs. I had a rack of ribs (shut up, they were for all of us to share, I am not that big of a pig) - i could not eat them, they both tried some, and labeled them nasty. This stand gives white trash a bad name- Come on now, this is the food we should be able to whip up greasy good in a buttery hot minute, I am so embarrassed. But that is okay we have a benefit to go to....

So my mother -in-law's brother-in -law, which is my step uncle in law (?) - or what ever, was recently diagnosed with a very fast moving stage 4 lung cancer that has now moved to his bones (Hmm, could this be one of the catalyst for my non-smoking, coincidence, I do not think so), and the camp grounds (okay do not get me started on this nascar breeding white ghetto camp ground, that I loathe, and makes my skin crawl with the out houses and the bugs and he $50K campers) was throwing a benefit spaghetti dinner for him. And of course we are compelled to go, and we want to, he is a wonderful man, and this is horrid and we like spaghetti. We drive the 45 minutes to get to the camp grounds, we drive 5 miles an hour back to the 'club house' to be greeted on our walk in by one of my in law relatives who is now HUGE. (okay, here is the dish on this nightmare woman, she is about 5 years younger than me and always thought herself a really hot little number, and used to hit on my husband and my bother in law - not really related, but none the less, just nasty, she looked down her nose at my simple little self=== from her stipper pole!!!. And now she looks a LOT like Monica from Friends in the fat suit!! OMG, I am sorry to be so vicious but I had myself a good inside chuckle. Not very christian like, my husband said, but sometimes you just have to bask in the fact that in one year, someone who thinks they are all that and a bad of chips, is now the size of all that from eating all the chips! Man it was sweet) I digress sorry, but we get in side and they have run out of spaghetti, so I paid for my little delight by being starved and only having cake to eat, which was really really sweet and sent me into a chatty sugar buzz, and I had to constantly fight myself not to scream in my sugar rage, 'Did you see the size of Lori????' but i didn't spew that out, thank god.

Now it is 9 PM and we are driving home and pull into hardees because i have to have some solid food of some kind today. I get some sort of speciality burger that takes like 6 hours to cook - Rush home and take one bite and realize why we never go to hardees and why if we did we never should go right before they close, because my sandwich was horrible. It just may have been rancid. Yuk. So i ate another piece of cake that my mother in law had sent home with me, and then laid in bed about 2 hours all geaked out and flipping channels like a coke head. When I finally did sleep I was chased by the Goodyear blimp and could not run because my feet were stuck in giant sheet cake, I woke up starving!!!

Imagine if you will.......

.... a back yard storage area for things we just may have a use for some day. This is definitely a feature only found here in Kracker Land. And buried in ours in was what was once our water bed. (Yes, we had a water bed, which I fully used up until about a year ago because my husband refused to stop smoking in bed, and since he had caused one near death experience - I was not going to put myself in that danger again- with a water bed, a cigarette gone astray would only end up causing a flood, not cremation.) So there we were real hipsters with our 1970's water bed, that I could not find sheets for anywhere, because no one else in America it seems had one, until I nearly snapped an ankle trying to get out of it one day. It was time - a real bed was next - but Fat Cat loved the frame and put it in our storage pile until he could 'imagine' a use for it. And such an idea he pulled from somewhere, Taking the padding off, but keeping the side boards for a place to sit, while attended his great plan. And so it is, the birth of the veggie bed....

Red Neck Flower Bed

He has finally agreed to get rid of his Red Neck chair (see You Know You Are A Red Neck If your Dining Room Chair has Leg Extensions and And You Thought I Just made this Stuff Up ) but has now managed to create yet another feature of our people. I will get a photo, because words alone cannot possibly do it justice....... stay tuned!!!

No One Loves me Like a Buster

I know this is really lame, but my stupid dogs just totally make me smile. They are basically just fur balls with teenie tiny little brains, but they adore me, unlike no other. They are always waiting for me to get home, always running to jump into my arms, always ready to curl up at night. There was a phase in my children's lives when they looked at me like that, but before I could blink they were teenagers. I do sometimes see glimpses of that look in their eyes, maybe a little yesterday. My husband used to look at me with all that love, hoping up and down, panting to see me. Not so much any more, now hopping up and down would cause him to pant. Now that look is reserved for a big plate food or when he finds candy bars in his cookie jar. But with the dogs, they remain forever in awe. Of course, when they are near me no one else can get close or they will be bitten, and often there is a nasty fight among them for best position next to me in bed. Okay there was a time when the kids fought to get my attention. And then there is the never ending barking. Like my husband basically. ......... OMG, I have replaced my family members with animals! I need help.

Happy Mother's Day- Let's Watch Porn!

I spent my mother's day doing what I love - I went to church with my grandson and Zowie (he was singing a mother's day song and wanted her there so bad, she went - God Bless her for that one, it was totally for her son) Then I made a huge giant crazy big over the top breakfast for my giant family, watched a movie with Angel and my oldest granddaughter, spent some quiet along time with Fat Cat , and played on my computer. It was wonderful. I love having everyone over, I love a big breakfast (it so reminds me of my own mother) , I did not want the day to end.

My granddaughter said it best - as she went out the door-- I love being here, it was great, really nice and loving. She melted my heart. (of course, I pray that she does not tell her mother we sat and watched 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' which, although hilarious was basically porn - nice, I should probably pay for a year of her therapy later)

Then Soldier pointed out to me that buying my mother in law a 5 foot carved wood alligator (that is also a planter) was kinda rude, and may be misinterpreted as a a reflection of what I think of her. Never thought of that. Great - I just gave her a big old 5 foot insult. This could be awkward.

Oh well, I had a good time!

Who is That Woman????

I have died my hair brown. Only because the natural color is gray, I am tired of being blond, and my daughter likes it brunette. I have really given up on caring what I actually look like. Not that I resemble a bag lady or anything, and I have not abandoned all personal hygiene. But that reflection in the mirror is not me. It is my much much older sister, sort of, kind of resembles my mother, and just may be Aunt Be, but there is no way that old woman is me. I am still like 32, which is about the last time I actually remember seeing myself. I am still wearing those size 5 jeans and still look great in a bikini. That woman needs a mu-mu. I do not know exactly how she got here but it ain't me and it ain't pretty.

Ice Ice Baby

There are some gifts that really are just ..... special.... sort of.....


Fat Cat knows a lot of people of rather less than fine moral character, one such person owned what was once an 'after hours' bar. The place closed down for various reason and several unfortunate incarcerations, leaving the supplies to the scavengers.

So from under the bar, slippery with nicotine and dried beer, my Fat Cat pulls forth my Mother's day present.

Now before you completely heave ---- think for a moment, I have an average of 20 people for any holiday, there are at least 8 people in and out of this house on a regular basis, and one hot mother of a summer is on the horizon. And considering the effort to haul it home, sanitize it before it lands in my house, move a sink over to make room to install it, and actually have it up and running within a day is pretty big for Fat Cat.

The ice is amazing, filtered and crystal clear - it is smaller than a dish washer and I love it. How fun is it that I have a freaking stand along ice machine!!!!

Shout Out to Those I Love

Now for the list of those that I shall bestow my blessings. The 8's - as you can see from the post below - require you to become list makers and pass to 8 more. For this I send to those I have followed and those I will be following and need to know so much more, the list will enlighten us! Here are my 8 and they are requested to list 1) 8 Things I'm Looking Forward To 2) 8 Things I did yesterday 3) 8 Things I wish I could do 4) 8 Shows I watch and then send to 8 friends!

wang-alangers Diane, always makes me smile

Ideally Me, Mary is an inspiration even if she does not realize it!

Kooky Cat Guy 'cause he has fun photos

my three boys Thinking of her a lot right now - I heart her

A Musing Mom because it seems like she needs more to do (LOL)

Idealic Scenic Images mainly so you can stop and see these pix

The Dreaming Tree and these are gorgeous too

robot nine because he is a hoot

Thanks all!

Yeah, That's Right, I'm HOT

I'm suddenly popular! (And there was not even anything nasty involved like when ...... ah, never mind) Seems theMom at Attentive Aphorist finds me quite entertaining. And re-ramblings hit me with an Eight Ball and now I have to try to do them at least some justice!

Which will not be easy because well, basically am a big old duffus

today with some sort of dingbat syndrome that I cannot seem to

shake. ;

To theMom, thank you repeatedly for the award and the shout out,

I am working on my list of recipients and will announce soon. It is

always great to be mentioned in the company of those you know, you do

make me feel honored.

And now to Re-Re. my new BFF, this list is dedicated to you:

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:

1. The Soldier and His Family coming home this summer

2. Mother's day (okay, I admit it, I like being the center of attention!)

3. Going to the Flower Factory

4. Swimming in the cool pool on a hot day = soon please!

5. Laughing so hard - that I almost pee

6. Quiet time before I fall off to sleep, in about one hour

7. My daughter's wedding

8. My son finding someone to make him happy

8 Things I did yesterday:

1. Got up and did not smoke (I have to praise my self hourly for this)

2. Ate brauts for lunch, I love them, I cannot even explain it, but I could eat them everyday

3. Said prayers for my ex-brother-in-law, who is struggling now I am sure

4.. Got home and cleaned house, hate doing it, gotta do it

5. Took the cover off the pool with the family

6. Did not scream at Fat Cat when he criticized my pool cover removing technique

4. Made 5 dozen spectacular chocolate covered strawberries to take to work

5. Ran to the store with Fat Cat, to ponder whether we really need to buy more summer outdoor stuff

6. Did not kill Fat Cat for buying more summer stuff

7. Punished Fat Cat by making him make his own dinner (cereal - fruit loops)

8. Scooped up my little fat dog and cuddled with him

8 Things I wish I could do:

1. Sing (stole this from ReRe, it is a good one!)

2. Hit the lotto

3. Retire early and do nothing (or be Fat Cat, either one)

4. Give my daughter the wedding of her dreams

5. See a whale swim in the ocean

6. Put money away for my grandchildren's college

7. Go to Disney

8. Walk on the Great Wall

(I could really make this a long long list!!!)

8 Shows I watch:
1.Anything on Bravo! (Real Housewives, Millionaire Matchmaker, etc.) Also stolen from ReRe again! Because it is a great answer!

2. Lie to Me

3. Criminal Minds

4. The Naked Archaeologist

5. Nancy Grace

6. Chelsea Lately

7. City Confidential

8. Forensic Files

(I look at this list and realize I really need to go back to therapy!!)

I have thought entirely too much, I have to crash!