It is my home, my neighborhood, and my history. It is what I am and where I came from. Embarrassing? Yes Boring? Never

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

My Mother's Birthday - She Came Out of the Closet

What a day of opposing ordeals!

1. I was on a complete roll at work, email directly through lunch, processing and progressing = then bam, out go the lights and I am sitting in my cube in the pitch black. No power from 1 until 3:45, internal panic over what I wanted to be doing - actual work, but instead I did nothing all afternoon.

2. The lack of work all afternoon gave me time to dwell, on the day, my life, my marriage, my violently rumbling stomach that seems to be having a negative reaction to the stress. I want to go to the Ash Wednesday service tonight, but instead I am seriously considering getting drunk and saying F it all.

3. The power comes up just in time for me to get to the bathroom, also in the nick of time.

4. I decide to go home and celebrate my mothers birthday with a little wine, but I get home and my husband is already 1/2 way through a bottle of rum and wants to talk.

5. I inform my husband that I am sick of his self pity and negative attitude and I am sick to death of being sad then he takes his meds and passes out. Then I decide to completely feel sorry for myself and just cry, I cannot stop - there is part of me that is crying for every thing, my family, my mother, my life. I cannot even have a drink and I am such a mess I cannot go to church. (I guess I got a lot of whine! )

6. It is my mother's birthday, I pull her ashes from my closet and weep for her. Sob that I am the only person on the planet that mourns her still. I miss my family. Then the phone rings and it is my niece and one again she has managed to call me at the moment I am low, she wraps me up in my mother's voice and laugh. She again is there for me and I realize that my mother lives through her, and her uncanny ability to know when my heart aches.

7. I hang up the phone and I stand alone in my quiet house, then there was a knock at the door. My granddaughter and her boyfriend arrive, she needs to practice in my car for her drivers test on Friday and as I sat beside her and looked at her. It was just one of those moments that you have to just freeze in your mind and hold forever. She was so beautiful and in that moment I knew I am never alone, this sweet child and so many others completely fill my heart and my life.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I Have Received An Academy Award!!!!!!!!

Ok, not an Academy Award but an award none the less, and since lately I have been rewarding myself with candy bars and cookies, this has got to better! I received it from themom, and I adore her for it!

"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.”

Since I have not 8 blogs that I 'follow' nor 8 blogger friends some of these are just drafted because I have found them interesting. I have several blogs I follow but they may not be aware, they will be now: (A Musing mom...)

Monday, February 23, 2009

And You Thought I Just made this Stuff Up

"What have you done to it now?"

"It wouldn't slide on the carpet."

"So you put caps on the legs?"

" Yeah, works great now!"

Sunday, February 22, 2009

You Know You Are A Red Neck If your Dining Room Chair has Leg Extensions

While I was at church working on my GPS ( God Positioning System, I am so funny aren't I? I also had this thought that we should call vanity plates, text plates, because they were our first Text Messages, or maybe text should be call vanities? It was early and my mind was also straying) Fat Cat was busy apparently routing through neighborhood trash.

He found a 1960's style end table that he now has cleaned up and put beside his chair in my family room - which matches nothing and looks ridiculous. Then he took a chair that probably was bought at the same time as the table and sat beside it in someones house since 1965. It has gold padding if that is a clue. Now Fat Cat has decided that it will be the perfect chair for his spot at the dinning room table. OMG. Now it is a LIVING ROOM chair and since it is too short for the table, that presents a problem. But not for Fat Cat. While I grocery shopped, did laundry, watched a movie on and off, Fat Cat found some PVC (white mind you) pipe that would give him the 8 inches more than he wanted for each leg. He whittled (yeah, that's right, whittled) the 4 legs down to the fit in the pipe, which he then puttered with them, gluing and screwing them until he got them all even (it took several tries and he lost about an inch of height) Then he spray painted them brown - did I mention he did not open any windows and the paint fumes were awful? He also keeps spraying the thing with room freshener, because, well it smells like a wet basement and a little like cat pee. Then he realized he now needs bracing, more pipe, more screwing, and then auto bondo (you know the stuff they use to fix car dents and cracks? that stinks and needs to be only used in a well ventilated area, not a dining room- in a house- in Ohio- in the winter.) Fortunately he had used up all the brown spray paint on the leg extensions, so I was spared any more of that smell. Even the dogs were choking and all i thought was if one of those pups drops dead I am running out the door.

He spent hours working on it. Really hours. I made dinner and he was all excited about sitting in his basement smelling, extended leg, white PVC braced, nailed up, gold, bondo'ed, cat pee chair. So excited, that about 1/2 way through the meal he chokes (on the smell or the food, doesn't matter) and pukes up like Vesuvius all over the table, my plate, and of course, the chair. I just got up and scrapped my plate into the trash and pitched him a towel. The day had started out so sweetly.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Hershey Moving

Will the price of a candy bar now drop, since Hershey will be saving oodles of money by moving their plant to Mexico?

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Things that Were Wrong with Today

1. It snowed and my defroster seems not to be working = I am sure that will not be a problem in Ohio in February
2. Tank got home from cop-job at 2 am, and left his loaded pistol just hanging in his room = I am sure that will not be a problem in this lunatic asylum
3. I worked my ass off and feed my family pizza for dinner because I did not feel like actually making the chicken that is defrosting in my fridge - I am sure that the chicken blood oozing from the freezer bag will not cause any problems
4. Fat Cat sleep all day- I am sure that is not a a sign of any impending problems
5. I cannot find Angel's W2 - not a problem for me, but may be for her
6. My dogs are fighting constantly all evening, as I dream of an apartment that does not allow pets.
7. Tomorrow is payday and I still have money in my purse -although some would consider that not a problem, I can tell you that could very well mean I have forgotten to pay for something, or get something, or do something that I should have, so that is a problem looming in the background

But on a positive note, my friend and I are having Chinese for lunch tomorrow and I am going to see my oldest (ouch, not oldest, longest, major friend faupax there) friend this weekend. So it is all good. I cannot wait.

Monday, February 16, 2009

My Head is Filled With Monkeys

I spent all day with customers and my mind is shot, a person can only be so clever and witty in one day without completely wearing themselves out. I made some clever comments and chatted and blah blah blah. My umbrella did a flip on the way to my car, I was drenched before I got in. I came home to a cop siting at my dining room table, (Tank, ha ha, got you! ) and Fat Cat spinning out of control because he has lost his wallet. I watched him spaz out completely, run about the house, then run outside, in the rain, looking looking looking. Tank just shrugged and went to work. I watched Fat Cat drive himself into a near breakdown before I decided to help him. I found it, of which I had no doubt. Goofy bastard. And all I keep thinking about today is the man killing chimp and how totally ridiculous it is to have a 200 pound wild animal living in your house that could possibly kill you, (although Fat Cat comes dangerously close to this description) and then does attack your friend - what the heck were they thinking, and I am sorry, but monkeys are disgusting enough encased in a zoo (again, this may also remind me of someone) without living with one! And imagine being attacked a primate?? Then I hear the owner gave the thing Xanax, my God, I do not even give that to Fat Cat and I could, and sometimes gladly. But then again I am tired and my head is filled raging screaming monkeys.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Woman Dies As Popcorn Rips through Intestine

That will be tomorrows headline, because the massive amount of popcorn that I ate yesterday has prevented me from eating anything at all yesterday, and so far today, because if I take anything in I am going to vomit --- still. I never want to smell it again, taste it or, God strike me dead, eat it. I woke up three times last night in agony as it coagulates in my stomach and devours me from the inside out. If something happens, please form a class action suit against the theatre. This is just an outrage, as if the native Americans have struck revenge at last upon my ancestors. (I have only felt this way only once before and it involved Tequila and to this day i will visible gag when I catch whiff of it.)

On a positive note, Tank may have his Jeep completed finally and I may just get my car back, which means that I will have some freedom back and will soon be back on the road!!!!!! If I live long enough.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

I have Made Myself Sick

I am actually throwing up a little. Fat Cat is desperately trying to make today special and while he slept until 1 and I did like a lot lot lot of laundry which i guess is pretty special. Then I made Angel and I chicken sandwiches with sliced fresh avacado which was special. To make the day special Fat Cat had bought tickets to a movie at 3:00, so I woke him up - Movie was my pick, okay I like action movies. I know I am not very girlish but I like movies with mega action and mega killing and mega mystery and suspense. So I picked Taken, and he had tickets ahead of time and we get the movies a little early, the ride there was not very comfortable, because the whole time I am thinking about how irritated I am at him still, and he is trying to make conversation. So he wants to buy me popcorn and that of course will surely make it all better, and he gets the 'deal' which is like a bucket of corn, bigger than the Colonel and his bucket of chicken, and two giant drinks that require special straws the size of like down spouts and I feel like a little kid because my hands barely can hold it. I continue to eat it all through the movie, which was great, and I only yelled out loud once, (which is pretty good for me, because I get all into it and yell at the screen sometimes, ok, all the time) and before I know it I have eaten almost all of it, and feel as if I may just completely wet myself because of the amount of soda I have just consumed. and I am all greasy because of the butter. When the movie ends I cannot get out fast enough because I may pee right there, and I thank heavens that I did not pick a comedy. Happy freaking valentines day, I could not even go to dinner

Friday, February 13, 2009

13th, a Friday

The Templers are haunting me today. Starts with a completely flat tire. Worse for Tank who was forced to change it. Then a meeting that went all the wrong direction and I was left confused and bewildered, it was my meeting, what a F$%^&&ing loser. Then I get a call from the gatehouse that I have a delivery and I knew it was coming, I had a call from a florist earlier at work asking for our address. Kind of a big clue. So Fat Cat sent me a dozen long stemmed lavender roses with a big bow and balloon, because 12 roses easily makes up for the last 12 months he has been trying to make me slice my own throat open, pour salt down it, and then gurgle screams through the blood. I did call to thank him it was a nice gesture, and not the one he had been waving at me a couple weeks ago, nor the one I have been waiving at him - when he is not looking. He asked me if I liked the candy, when I told them there was no candy he hung up on me. Then the gate house calls again, and I go pick up a big old chocolate filled heart and another dozen roses, because I guess I was not over it yet, and another dozen would surely melt my heart. Actually I felt a little like the episode of Friends where Ross sends Rachel a billion things including a big lady bug and a singing barbershop quartet. I get that he is trying, I just do not feel the same way I used to. Maybe it is because I have to wear shoes now, that is making my life miserable.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Uterus is a Homing Devise

My son is 25, is a police officer now, has saved a live, has a wonderful memory, is both mechanical and creative, yet when he can’t find something he calls me – at work. You know why? Not because the uterus is a homing devise, because I am the only one that puts anything away and therefore I know where everything is. I hate that.

Monday, February 9, 2009

I Just Want A God Damn Cookie

So I have not been able to eat because I have to have blood work done, and I of course wake up completely starved to death and almost shaky. Any other day I would not be able to even think of eating until about 10 but not today. I am now all edgy and grumpy and hurrying to get to the lab before my scheduled gyno exam. Trying to figure out how to smuggle a cookie or something into that office and eat it, even if I have to do so during the actual exam itself, I mean that should not interfere with it at all. And while I am plotting and planning for a cookie, I cannot get my stupid brand new gloves on. And I realize I am obviously delirious from hunger, and stop and try to get my fingers in their designated holes, but they are shown shut! For heaven sake, those eight year old Chinese kids are really getting sloppy.

I abandon that whole effort, and realize the vast amount of time I used up trying to get my gloves on, has not forced me to go to the gyno first, then to the blood work, and robbing me of my cookie while my feet are in the stirrups experience. Great. I get in the car, which by the way has about enough gas to get me to the gyno and 1/2 way home, thanks Tank. I race to the office, fill out the forms, get weighed (how the F do you gain two pounds since Friday???) realize I put on a pair of socks that have a hole in the heel. Now I am freaking out about that hoping that the doctor does not judge me, because i really so have nice socks, I was just trying to match, because not matching would be worse judging, and now i have a tiny hole. (I just realized how funny that sentence is in the context of the doctor's view of the hole.) Okay, enough of that, I get dressed, and wonder around the office until I find my way out, and over to the lab. I actually pass a subway and think they have cookies but having one in the car would be too tempting.

So they get my blood, ask me if I am on blood thinners, which is odd. Then I have to give a urine sample, and I thank heavens I had not snuck a cookie in here, because you cannot do that and eat a cookie.

Now that is done and I have to head for the mammogram office, and time is tight, so I go their fist, no cookie yet, and they explain they cannot do it now. I look around and I see no one in the office.

Are you too busy?, I ask.
No you just have to make an appointment.
Can I make one now?
No, you have to make it through the appointment center.
I get out my phone, I ask for the number.
You cannot use the cell phone in here.
They call and hand me the phone.
I need to make an appointment.
When can you come in?
I am here now.
We do not have any appointments available.
There is no one here.

Great. I have to make it for my next day off, because apparently woman that work have to have mammograms on a days vacation, or not at all. Boobs are seemingly too busy on the weekends to be available for such things. I told them all not to work too hard. They gave me a pink breast cancer pen. I would rather have had the mammogram or a cookie.

Now I have just about enough time to get something to eat, before the foot doctor. So I go to the mall which is freakishly packed and I have to drive up and down the aisles to find a spot that i can maneuver into, which is not easy because I have no depth perception anyway and I am starting to black out from lack of food. I stumble into the food court and go to the only booth without a line, fish and chips. No cookies, but a meal - which by the way is all deep fried and violently hit my empty stomach like a live porcupine. Now I am sick, head achey, weak, and limping on my sore foot.

I get to the foot doctor, and begin filling out the paperwork, there is a question that is unusual, 'what name do you prefer to be called?' I put, the amazing Zelda. I would prefer to be called that. It seemed cool. The receptionist, a perfectly groomed young man, found it hilarious, which has endeared him to me forever. I realize I do not have a cookie yet, but I have had a laugh and that is all good. So he leads the Amazing Zelda back to the room and in comes the Doctor, (who was at the nursing home all morning -so my 50 year old feet probably did not look so bad and I had slipped my shoes off while waiting so they did not have their usual stench) he too was very well groomed and may be getting his braces off soon (kidding, he probably had them off at least a year) he looks at my chart and talks to me for a minute. I told him I had explained to the primary doctor that my heel was killing me, then they took an x-ray and then called me and told me it was a fracture. Seems that the fracture though is not in my heel but three of my toes, and are really old fractures. If they would have told me that it was my toes I would have not bothered with the foot doctor, because I break them so often I am really not sure they are still attached. How embarrassing, I have been telling anyone who will listen that I have a fractured heel? No I do not. I have a fracture in my communication and lisening skills and did not get that heel pain and an X-ray does not a fractured heel make. So what is wrong with my heel? I am a freaking bear foot hillbilly and my high arches are pulling the tendons. I have to get running shoes and wear them. The Amazing Zelda is not happy.

I hobble from the office, rather disgruntled. But I think with two new friends! I leave, on my way to my next appointment, now to the get some assistance with the rest of my problems, I have been poked and prodded not nearly enough. I did not get the answers I was hoping for, nor the advice I really wanted. But I have now set a goal to save enough to make things happen for myself. I will work with my budget and get a second job if I have to but 2010 is not going to be as frustrating as this year.

There will be cookies for the Amazing Zelda one way or another.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Another Weekend Gone

So I did practically nothing yesterday still numb from my Doctor appointment and the other, not getting some good news any direction. I went to the grocery store, etc, which just made my foot hurt. Butterfly and Bo Peep showed up because it was Fat Cat's birthday. I usually have a gala celebration, but that is not going to happen - I think everyone was aware of that. So they took him out to lunch, and gave him some 'Party Supplies' (I am 'white trash', while partying with your daughters is perfectly acceptable behavior) They stayed an hour, maybe, and left, but he got his party stuff so he was all happy. Then my MIL and Brother in law were taking us all out to dinner for his birthday, I went, not to celebrate his birthday, but I wanted to make sure Angel and Sasquatch had an opportunity to talk to my brother in law, in hopes he may help get Sasquatch a new job. Fat Cat was short fused most of the night because it was crowded and not the place he would have choose but he was not paying. (Then my toilet broke, sweet, you just love to reach in the tank to flush, no body is going to do that - got to get that fixed!!!) Tank ran around all day getting the rest of his uniform ready for his job as Dudley Do Right. He also moved his TV home, and everyone is acting as if all is okay, accept for me, I am a constant angry bitch to be honest.

Today, Fat Cat has literally slept all day, all day, which of course is not something one would do without a hand full of sedatives. I am of course sans vehicle, so I puttered all day. I have made:

3 loaves of banana bread, (i bought a bag of nearly rotten bananas for $1 and I had all the general stuff already)
Chicken Salad with grapes (also bought a bag of chicken legs, $5.00 for 10 pounds, we will have chicken this week, over and over again!)
A pot of homemade noodles with .... chicken
and now a lemon meringue pie from scratch because i have a pie crust I had thawed and had to use up.
Fixed the toilet (not in order of actual accomplishment - and Tank helped)
Did two loads of laundry and put it away, which is in my opinion the worst part of it,
Did two loads of dishes
Read all my favorite blogs
Went to church, felt great, the guy behind me sang really loud and really well, it was fun, I think I am going to get involved in something, the food pantry may be a good way or bake sales, I need to put my nervous energy to use.
Made a pitcher of brewed iced tea
And worried about my stupid foot.

Tomorrow is jam packed, I actually have 3 appointments and since Friday's went so well, I just can't wait!!!

Friday, February 6, 2009


So I go to the doctor this morning for just a check up, nothing special, routine, get blood work done, yadda yadda yadda. And I mention that my foot has been bothering me at night or if I walk too much on it. I was not even going to say anything but I had pretty much convinced myself I had gout. Which was totally freaking me out because I may have to give up rich foods, and I do have a love of butter, and I was afraid it was going to blow up and look like a fake foot or something. So i casually mentioned it, and he casually poked it, and I casually pulled myself off the ceiling, and he says he thought it may be a bone spur. Now that even sounds more like an old person than gout, and I did not want to have that, so off to X-ray. I get home and Angel and I go to the mall (okay we bought some stuff for the wedding and I almost cried a little, thinking that with bone spurs and all I may not live to see it, and I got all emotional and could only be calmed down with a mall Stromboli - which I am free to eat now, because it is not gout)
We are not home long when the office calls, and the nurse is a little freaked out herself, because well, my heel is fractured and I have to get to either the emergency room or the podiatrist ASAP. So I call the foot guy and he is all freaked out as he is getting my records over the fax as I am talking to him, and wants to know if I need pain meds. Which I really do not need, because I have been walking around like this since Thanksgiving!! what is two more days. So I am going in Monday to have this problem resolved. And now that I know it is fractured, it hurts like hell. I have been gone all day and have not had to deal with Fat Cat, because he makes me so angry my broken foot hurts even more!!!!!!!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

I am so Tired

I am just tired, and I am ready to just sleep for days. I was up all night just being angry. He came in at midnight and wanted to talk. I said no, then stayed up all night talking to myself.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

10 Reasons Today Sucks

1. Wake up late (dreaming I was in a bank and the alarm was going off and I thought it was being robbed but no one else seemed to be able to hear it) and jump out of bed and right into a pile of fresh dog poo (seems the 20 minutes i choose to sleep through created a little issue for Buster)
2. Come down stairs after cleaning foot, dogs will not go out. Obviously they do not have to and I do not have time to deal with them.
3. Decide I do not have time to wash my hair, so I will wear it up - which because I have a dandruff issue will mean light colored clothing, so a gray suit is chosen. Then, because I am obviously 12 years old, I squirt make up all over the jacket. WTF? Now I have to change the jacket, because I do not have time to completely change, and of course, nothing else will work but black. Great. Now I have a black jacket that is going to show any wayward flake and I do not really match which is going to make me fashion compulsive all day.
4 So I am in hurry up mode, and I get my son up to take me to work, so he can have my car all day, and he is not in hurry up mode. I start getting stomach pains and am suddenly struck with some sort of violent acid attack.
5. I get to work just in time and realize that I did not pack a soda, i go to the work fridge and get the one from yesterday which is of course flat. Mmmmm delicious.
6 I get my breakfast out, which is a buttered biscuit with jelly, and goobered a splotch onto my suit.
now I am a complete hot mess.
7. I get a call my crazed husband is on the way back from MO, and wants to talk it out. Okay, if that was all it was going to take, i would have done that. Duh??
8. Make breakfast for dinner, and the bacon eats a hole in my stomach - I am pretty sure it may be a bleeding ulcer.
9. Find out my computer has been attacked by a virus and I have to borrow one to tell everyone about my completely hideous day.

Not Good

He has bolted from the Soldier and is headed my direction. I absolutely hate this. I do not want him home, I cannot take it.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I'm OK

Well Fat Cat is calling, he is still not the root cause of any problems. I have to admit that at this moment I am just fine this way. I feel bad for Soldier and Coach, who are dealing with him as reality is setting in. I am hoping for a weekend alone, peaceful and quiet. I have Friday off for a doctor appointment which gives me 3 days - I cannot wait. Tank is still jubilant with his new position and if he can get that Jeep fixed and I have my car back, life would be pretty close to wonderful. Angel and Sasquatch are around in the evening and I like that = they are benefiting from my obsessive cooking when I nervous. I am really OK though just a little disjointed. I have found that I have an amazing bunch of friends, who are ready to jump in and help me no matter what I decide to do. I had not realized how bad things appeared from the outside. I have also realized Fat Cat has my address book and I have no phone numbers! So those of you that I have not called, do not think I am ignoring you, I just lost custody of your number!!!

He's a Pig

It is official, Tank is an officer of the law. He was sworn in last night and has his badge! I am really proud!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

My Own Reflection

Today sermon was on "Family Matters" mainly the relationship between husband and wife. Sweet. Now God is all up in my business. Great.

I am a little less sad today, my dear niece came over last night and whisked me off for soup and salad and conversation. I sat there mostly, just watching her talk. I like just looking at her. We look a lot alike, even more so as we age. She is only 8 years younger than me. Sometimes I think this is how it is when you have siblings, you lock them in at some point, and they just remain that way, in your eyes. For me she is about 10, I remember sitting with her in the movies, but mostly I see her sitting across from me in a restaurant I took her too, just me and her. her parents were having issues, and sometimes I thought she was so lost in all of it. But there she is across the table last night and she was probably thinking how lost I was in all of my drama. You just can't mistake that worried look, I have seen it in the mirror, and now she is my mirror. My own face looking back at me. I adore her, she may never know just how much, she is so incredible strong and solid. She is entirely undervalued. Last night she - without trying- made me realized how undervalued I am, and how what I wish for her and my desire for her to be respected and loved is perhaps what I should wish for myself.