I cannot take him anywhere

We are at the meat market - Fat Cat reads a sign and proclaims "Frozen Roosters? Who would want to eat a rooster? Do people eat roosters?"

"Roasters. Sir, they are frozen roasters."

He just loses it.

Aww The Irony of it All

Spoke with Number One last night. Have not seen or heard from him since the soldier’s party at our house. I called him, I get frustrated but still love him, and I do miss him, just not all the drama. And of course there was drama, they are moving again (for the second time in barely one year), he and his wife are not getting along all that well. His main problem seems to be his step son - ‘he breaks everything and says he did not do it’ ‘he lies’ ‘he does not do what he is told’. I know I am supposed to be an adult and not blow pop out my nose when I laugh, but this was about the most hysterical thing I have ever hear.
Fat Cat came home from work one day years ago, sat in ‘his chair’ and the arm of it fell completely off. We went out to dinner one night came home, went to put the garage door up and it collapsed as the inside of the garage was completely burned away. Our car and number one disappeared when he was 15. It is only just recently that I have had forks without bent prongs. Lawnmowers, glasses, bowls, VCR’s, toilets,….. The list is never ending, we had 3 of those terrors. There were very colorful stories like when the school called and wanted me to come talk to the counselor about how we could throw out a 16 year old boy so he could live in his car! I asked them if they thought it odd that he was driving a car we paid for, eating the lunch I packed him, and sitting at the dinning room table right now waiting for me to hand him a snack? How about when one of them claimed to be going to school but really sat somewhere else? And not doing what they are told to do? I have a list of things they actually did when I told them, I read it over every once in while to remember my fleeting moments of control.
I amused myself through the rest of our conversation, I amusing myself all evening with the whole thing.
But to Number Once, all I said was ‘he’s a boy, that is what they do.’
What he may not realize is the most important thing he and most boys have broke, a lot of hearts.

What a day!

If my job trainee asks me one more time, ‘how do you figure it out?’, I am going to crack him in the head with my keyboard. (You want to know how I am figuring things out it is because i am not an f&^*&^*&ing idiot! The guys on the floor used to call him Forrest, like the Gump, because he just could not get anything including a joke.) While he is fumbling through the so called instruction, and telling me how I am wasting time providing too much information, my boss is praising his quick thinking. OMG I feel so bad for my poor customers. My Boss's little boy toy is not the sharpest stick in my eye and he has signed up for ’the customer is always trying to rip us off’ school of customer service, which is now the accepted policy of my department. I just do not understand it. If I call somewhere and I hear that attitude in a tone, I get instantly defensive. And honestly, if someone thinks I am trying to cheat them, it is because they are a cheater themselves. Liars suspect other of lying, thieves suspect others of stealing from them. They are this way with my customers, with other departments, and other employees. It must be painful to live like that, to always keep your back against the wall because someone will be waiting with a knife. I will be so glad to be away from this. I am just not conniving enough to be able to out think them.

Actually I have been too busy trying to come up with something special for my mother in law’s and my ex sister in law’s birthdays this year. I have come up with an idea, I want to decorate cupcake’s like real birthday cakes and give them one a day through the month of September. If eating cake on your birthday is supposed to bring you luck for the year, then eating a cake every day for a month out to really be a knockout! I can make the cakes up ahead of time - different flavors- and then ice them for my husband to delivery daily. I really do not think it would be that much work and my be kind of fun for them.

So if I am not in prison or fired for knocking over a file cabinet on my coworker, I think I may starting plotting my cake-fest 2008!

Yet Another Odd Situation

I do not know what to do with this and this is stressing me to the point I am making pudding from scratch and loaf after loaf of zucchini bread. I am torn, simply torn. (maybe that is why my writing is appearing like gibberish, dear Anonymous)

Tank and his girlfriend have a baby, it is not his baby, but he is the man in all the pictures from the hospital and the one getting up at night and helping. He is mad crazy in love with her and the mother too. He has never been so happy and he so wants to share his happiness. And God help me I am trying.

I sent flowers, I visited, I took balloons, I do care. But I am afraid. Afraid he is going to break two hearts this time, or get his double broken. I do not think he realizes how hard it is to give your heart to a child that you have no legal attachment to. He does not realize how important it is to be in this child's life. She will look at those photos of her birth and think he is the father, and if he is gone she will hate him for leaving.

The more I try to act like it is normal the more I babble and speak in gibberish (Yes anonymous, gibberish) and bake and cook and become more and more abnormal. I want to relax with this situation.

I cannot judge him, I am continuously falling in love with babies, and pets, and people. And I drag them through my life, over the bumps and peaks right with me. I cannot let them go. I watch him taking care of them and I know how he is feeling. I just hope he is strong enough for the future, strong enough to heal after a broken heart and strong enough to hold on to them if that is indeed what he wants.

Do You Hear Banjo Music?

So my name should be Judgy Mc Judgerson because I made a huge nasty judgement. We had a wedding to go to, on my husband‘s side. Yeah, you are all making the same cringe. This is his southern family and the wedding was to take place in the Hocking Valley. For those unfamiliar with this area, it is well know for the huge Amish population and stills. Sort of time machine-like - a visit to the ‘hills’. So we get on the computer and we get our Map Quest directions out, and it is only a 3 hour drive (Did Gillian’s Island start out that way?) and then I also printed out the reverse directions because trying to read the existing ones backward is way too complex for us. I get a nice gift, I get a nice dress, I get my husband up from his nap so he can jump into the clothes I have already laid out for him like a little person on the bed. He refused to wear the dress clothes because ‘where the hell do you think we are going?”
We get several calls from Fat Cat’s mom, checking to see if we are going, because they left at noon, we , believers in the Map Quest directions, did not leave until two. Of course, my brother in law called also, because we are like the little ‘retarded’ couple who is often overwhelmed by simple tasks. While Fat Cat screamed at them, Angel gather up our stuff and helped us out the door (okay, we forgot the directions and she had to chase us out the drive way waving the papers and screaming at us.) Then we began our drive, past the hometown of our soldier’s wife, which is what I consider extremely rural, and deep into the heart of (by the count of Dixie flags waving) the deep south. I am not sure how Ohio became so southern, but there is a very large chunk that is still rather clannish, if you know what I mean. The roads became more narrow, and less populated as we went. They became one lane about 30 miles from the final location. I do not mean one lane each direction, I actually do mean one lane. (About this time, I thought maybe he was right and I was freakishly over dressed in my white pumps and sundress) At one point we were actually driving in what seemed to be a corn field. That is all we could see, it was higher than the van and went on for what seemed like miles. We popped out in what seemed to be a drive way but just passed close to a house and next to their barn. Fat Cat commnets that we could be dead back here and no one would be able to find us until we were skeletons, I checked the phone, no signal. Then around a bin and we were suddenly riding along a cliff. (same one lane road, I am not sure which one of us were the most scared, me hanging over the cliff or Fat Cat, scared that a local would barrel down the road at 90 directly at us).
We cam to the end of the road and nothing there, we missed it some how, but within view was a gas station. We drove there and seemed to attract a lot of attention from a car load of gentlemen drinking bear (and I think playing a banjo) But the cashier knew where we were supposed to be and back down the one lane we went and from that direction we could see the sign. Another one lane passage straight up and then we found a small parking lot.
My brother in law came running out, amazed we found it, amazed we were on time. And the wedding began a few minutes later. This part had a beautiful outdoor stone patio that served as a chapel with a massive stone fireplace as the alter, complete with candles and flowers. There was a gorgeous fish pond with rustic fountain and log railed gazebo for the reception. There were manicured gardens and servers running around refilling your drinks before they ice even had a chance to melt. It was wonderful. And the tables were decorated with fresh yellow flowers and soft candles. There were maybe 40 guests but to be honest it was probably one of the nicest weddings I have ever been too.
Of course, Fat Cat pulled us out before it became dark so we missed the dancing, which I am sure was nice also. He was absolutely correct though, it was not only dark, it was black out, and we had made it passed all the scarey parts in the day light, while my in-laws drove around in the dark for an hour before they found their way out. We had us a big hee haw over that one, but we were in awe of the backwoods wedding that was so nice and just a little more than embarrassed of our poor attitude before hand.

Getting Better

Fat Cat came through. He has this uncanny ablility to massage my back and unkink the problem. After I came home early from work - he hit the spot and i am totally pain free! It is a talent. I felt so good I went and got a hair cut. I look marvelous by the way. Then came home and we had a calm evening just the two of us and made plans for tomorrow. Sometimes I forget how it feels to just be alone with him.

God I am OLD

So just how old do you have to be to hurt yourself when you were sleeping? That would be my age, as I woke up at 4 AM with a nightmare that I was giving birth. Now that I thought may have been because Tank's girlfriend had the baby, a lovely tiny princess at 5 lbs 13 oz. But low and behold it was because i was actualy in pain akin to labor. My back still hurts, and I am just about sure that my contractions (aka spasms) are getting closer together and I am seriouly thinking that a trip to the hospital is not far away.

TO DO

Super Memaw List of ‘To Do’s’ for the past week

10. Show that snotty receptionist at the doctor’s office you do not really need that refill you have been calling about for two days, and just go completely off all medications for the week.
9. Work 60 hours worth of work into 40 because you have been on vacation for over a week and are so far behind that you might actually knock a stack of papers over and not be found for another week
8. Babysit for our soldier and his wife every evening while they shop, sleep, watch movies, and / or go to dinner
7. Clean up after two small children and several adults while they shop, sleep, watch movies and / or eat the dinner you have either ordered in or prepared
6. Alternate between sedating your husband while you have houseguests all week and listening to him bitch about having houseguests all week.
5. Watch other grandchildren while the siblings can visit.
4. Entertain your in-laws - and of course their dog- most evenings
3. Try to keep your own two little 4 pound dogs from defending themselves from small children with sticks, stumbling adults, visting dogs, and a short tempered soldier with a knife.
2. Prepare to move to your new position, only to be told that you are not going to move for another week!
And the most important “to do”
1. Bake cookies and make chocolates (including hand painted chocolate strawberries and monogrammed Oreo’s) for 200 guests to a wedding (the same one where you made the mother of the grooms dress - see previous June posts)

I have been a little busy, but it is all done!

“Call Dad, I just lost the dog!“

Fat Cat has a good friend that raises standard poodles, big strong fast poodles. He drives around with them in his Cadillac, he takes them everywhere, including our house. Last week one had a stroke and he had to put it down, leaving him only one big white one. He put it in our back yard and went with Fat Cat on some errands. This would not normally be a problem but Tank was mowing and upon opening the gate the freaking poodle bolted down the road! He called me at work because Fat Cat once again forgot his cell phone, and we do not know his friends cell number. Tank was chasing the dog around the neighbor hood. (“this dog is freaking fast!”). I call another buddy of theirs at work and told him what happened and he did not have the number so he had to call his wife to look it up. In the mean time, Tank has lost the dog and has now resorted to driving around looking for it (“what the hell is it’s name? I keep calling ‘here boy’ and whistling but I don’t even know if it is a boy or what!”) Finally Fat Cat returns and his friend is devastated.
By the time I get home from work, the dog has been missing 3 hours and Fat Cat has resorted to bracing his friend for the possibility that he may not come back. I go with him, we call the dog (his name is Gunther - a giant white poodle with the pompom tail - named Gunther), we ask people that are out mowing, if they have seen them. I am possitve everyone thinks we are nuts, but I do not know what else to do. After 4 and ½ hours, we are all giving up and the poor man is now thinking the dog has been hit by a car (he says the dog is not real bright and I believe him, because when he looks at you, there does not seem to be anyone there. He is just pretty and meant to be looked at, and maybe meant to run real fast.) We go into the house and are not there 10 minutes before one of Fat Cats neighborhood good old boys calls and says he has the dog! You have never seen anyone so happy ever as this dog owner. The neighbor has the dog in his car and pulls in the drive, looking a little frightened, because the dog is in the back seat growling. (“This is the right dog isn’t it, Because otherwise I just stole someone’s poodle“)
Gunther was covered in briars and dirt. He ate all the dog food and drank all the water, but he was home. And I was glad to see him.

How Well Do You Know the Barrell?

Another installation of the Kracker Barrell trivia game:
1. My soldier son and family are due to arrive. They call on Friday and say they will not be arriving until Monday. Giving me the weekend to get the house finished and grocery shop for the week. But the plans suddenly change when they call at 10 PM.
A) They say they are on the way and want to surprise Dad. They will be there in less than an hour!
B) since no one is home, Fat Cat is walking around in his underwear and I cannot think of a reasonable excuse for him to put pants on - surprised are the guests!
C) The dogs start barking and Fat Cat says they “act like someone is here” gets up and start screaming ”there are people in our house.!”
D) I could not stop hugging my soldier even though I was still my cleaning clothes and I had no food to offer them!
E) All of the above.

2. I made no plans, because Soldier did not want to do anything at all while he was home. I told him to rest and feel free to invite who ever to our home as if it was his.
A) With his sister’s and their boyfriends coming over on Saturday, and Grandma and Uncle also stopping by, Soldier decides to invite some close friends - about 30 of them
B) I run to the store and get enough supplies in to feed literally a bunch of soldiers, while Fat Cat gets enough booze for all the military forces.
C) Fat Cat informs me that the sisters and the boyfriends are going to stay all night so that they do not have to drive home and can ‘party’
D) Soldier informs me that his buddies will probably crash at my house because they are coming long distances and will not want to drive home after the ‘party’
E) All of the above

3. Unusual guests are not uncommon but this was a different sort of night
A) Tank, who is plagued with a nasty 24 hour flu bug, introduces his girlfriend to the family, she is expecting, although not his, a child due next month
B) Bo Peep brings her boyfriend who recently failed a drug test and lost the job Fat Cat and Uncle worked so hard to get for him, at a major auto plant
C) Soldier’s cousins from the dark back woods of southern Ohio, who are the nieces and nephews of Fat Cat first wife, arrive (Note - this will highly irate wife one, so Fat Cat is extremely thrilled.)
D) Butterfly brings her new boyfriend who is middle eastern, to the party where there are 3 soldiers including her brother, just back from Iraq
E) all of the above

4. Often at a party where large amounts of alcohol are consumed, things end up going haywire
A) Someone fell into the brand new double lounge chair - causing a leg to bend
B) Same someone as above ran about in his underwear screaming “it is not a real party unless there is a naked fat guy” (Note- honest this was not Fat Cat!)
C) One of Soldier’s cousin’s gets drunk and proceeds to hit on Butterfly (Note- freaking out Soldier because this is his sister and his cousin, and is some how just plain wrong.
D) Someone, no one has claimed responsibility, took my 3 foot Tiki Statue and actually decapitated it.
E) all of the above

5. Beyond just haywire, there can be just too much drama
A) The mini fridge I had bought for uncle and my blender were taken outside and my bar/patio was turned into what seems to be an after-hours establishment.
B) Both Butterfly and Bo Peep ended up being thrown into the pool - fortunately they were fully clothed
C) Soldier got really drunk and told our middle eastern guest he probably killed his relatives (note, the guest remained speechless, which was probably a good move)
D) Angel was asked if she had ‘hid her pot.’ (note - it was a large vase she made in pottery class that rested on a table on the patio before she rescued it from the naked fat guy)
E) All of the above

6. After the party is often the most interesting
A) I had to locate tweezers for a young man that had somehow fallen into my very large live cactus, and was in lots of pain
B) Butterfly and the middle eastern man had left during the night because he was upset that his girlfriend was getting hit on by what he think is her cousin also
C) We went through two pork loins, three whole chickens, homburgs and hot dogs, and everyone was praising Fat Cat for the fine food he cooked (Thank you, he just stood at the grill and flipped it!)
D) A bottle of Tiki Torch fuel was found behind the bar, I have no clue who did those shots!!
E) All of the above

7. But all in all it ends up okay!
A) Everyone finally left and Soldier and I cleaned up. He was full of happiness that he had all of his buddies here.
B) I got to spend an entire night cuddled up with the two cutest babies in the world
C) Tank finally got over the flu
D) The head of the Tiki was glued back on.
E) All of the above

So the first full day of my vacation was really quite exciting! If you answered E to all - then you do really know me!

Part Two

And then the saga continues! (this will make little sense unless you read the previous blog)

Twas the morning of their departure, they were out of sight
Not a sound we were making, quiet was a delight.
Not a aunt nor an uncle were able to move
And both were quick to take a deep snooze.

Fat Cat grabbed his coffee and nestled into his chair
I cleared a spot on the couch and a calm filled the air.
And the puppies both curled up for some slumber deep
And even the cat came out of hiding to curl up beside me and sleep

When out in the driveway there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my cushion to see what was the matter.
Through the door their mamma came with a crash
And all of our quiet was gone in a moment flash

The anger was all over her face as she screamed “OH NO!”
And bellowed the words “The boy broke the window!“
“Soldier said no touching the switches but the boy did not stop
Now the window is down, it will not come to the top.”


With me, little memaw, now so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it wasn’t a trick.
They have missed the funeral and now probably the wake
And all because the window has experienced a brake.

"Mamma, Call the dealer, now call the shop,
No more yelling at the boy, you have to stop!”
This should not happen, it should not be this tough
When is the ever going to be enough.”

Soldier just wanted his inlaws to see him with some class,
And now he was stuck with a new SUV with broken glass
He was heart broken and ready to scream
He was only praying it was all a bad dream

And I in my selfishness could not get it through my head
Why a new window would suddenly go dead
How long will this take to repair?
About the time, I really do care

I have realized during this very long week
That vacations are better spent amoung the meek
And that watching 2 children under the age of four
Is more than what a memaw has asked for.

And I am so tired beyond belief
That their trip away is a relief
And I am so exhausted that I could puke
And now an SUV is making me a dupe

I love them all with every inch of my heart
They are angels, I don’t know where to start
But I am out of practice and worn to the core
And I cannot handle it one day more

So I made a call and begged for assistance
Hoping that there will be no resistance
And after two more hours the window is good to go
Although in appearance, I just do not know

Seems they cannot fix it the right way
And decided to hold it up for a day
With duct tape it is on mend
I am sure a soldier that did not want to offend

But his heart is broke , over this new car
And I again only can think of me so far
I want to have my bedroom back and sleep a complete night
I know that this attitude is just not right

But it is what it is, and that is the honest part
They are on their way after numerous starts
And now I am sitting all alone
I may have to call them on the phone.

Twas the Morning of Their Departure

Okay, I am going to have to Quentin Tarantino this last few weeks. I have been over the top crazy busy with my soldier et al here and they left today! I woke up at 8 expecting to see them almost ready to leave at the designated time of nine a.m., which, loyal readers, you know just was not going to happen! And such began the morning of their departure:

Twas the morning of their departure, when all through the house
Not a guest was stirring, not even a mouse.
No suitcases were packed to begin the day
Faint hopes that my visitors would soon be on their way


The grandchildren were nestled snug in makeshift beds,
While visions of memaw’s cookies danced in their heads.
And mamma and soldier resting in my master suite,
Not one were aware that time cannot be beat.

When out on the room there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my shock to see what was the matter.
Away up the stairs I flew like a flash,
Sprint into the hallway and with mamma I about had a crash.

The shock on her face as she scream the words “OH NO!”
Gave new meaning to the “WE HAVE TO GO!“.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But nothing was packed and the time was so near.

With me, little memaw, now so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it wasn’t a trick.
They will miss the funeral they had to attend,
And nothing was done, where should I begin!

"Now dress! now, pack! now, hurry and wake up!
Mamma go get breakfast, don’t step on the pup!
I will put on the coffee and bag up the toys
Now leap in to action, and help stir up the boys.”

Overwhelmed by the task and the sudden surprise,
They wondered about with a blank look in their eyes.
The had committed to help with a sad situation
Being there was very important, no time for mediation.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard from the kitchen
The whining and crying and a great amount of bitchin’
I drew in my tongue and with quick speed I was there,
Reminding them gently there was no time to spare.


They were all dressed in their Sunday flare,
Our soldier is so handsome I had to stop and stare
His clothes were all pressed by my loving hand
And he stood before me, such a good man.

His children, how they twinkled! Their smiles so bright!
Their cheeks were like roses, their shoes new white.
And mamma was running back and forth from the SUV
Loading and setting up the children with a DVD

This is their new vehicle, a really large one for sure
So that my soldier can feel a little secure
They have owned it just for one night
And now will travel two hours to do what is right.

The truck is so large , black, tinted, and grand
And I screamed when I saw it, in the house I had ran!
A wink of the lights and a shake of my head,
Soon gave me to realize I had nothing to dread.

It took two hours to finally get them on their next trip,
All clothes but the dirty were packed with zip
I waved my arms from the porch as they climbed aboard
And backing out the drive way my happiness soared

Pappa sprang from his ‘sleep’ and gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard them exclaim, ‘ere they drove on their way,
"We love you guys, we will be back on Monday!“

(I need a drink)