What Happened to Good Oldfashioned Prostitute Killing Serial Murderers?

"Give me the remote I am tired of seeing all these mom's killing their tots, what the hell? They are killing them when they are still cute, now if they were killing their adult kids I would say let them go, I understand that. I want to thin the herd myself, but when they are little? What the f&^*&&? They should just fry 'em. Give me the remote, I want to watch war or something."--- More wisdom from Fat Cat

What day is it??

Somehow I convinced myself that last night was Thursday and that today was Friday. Unfortunately, I did not come out of this fantasy until this morning when I was getting ready for work and the TV told me what day it was. I have been crying since then. Welcome to Thursday.

What The Hell Happened to All My Food???

So yesterday i get a call from Zowie freaking out because her daughter was rear ended on the way home from high school. She was at the emergency room and on the verge of a break down. Both of them actually. She just wanted to come home and be taken care of. Both of them. So I said sure, come to the house we can have dinner and you guys can relax. I called Fat Cat - to warn him of the impending horde arrival - and who answers? Number One! He was there having something to eat. (note, the sudden visits of Number One to our house coincides with his upcoming birthday, hmmm, coincidence, I think not)

Now I cook a lot on Sunday to get us through the week, and prep/plan my meals for the week. The kids are not unaware of this, and if they arrive hungry, it will more than likely be a Sunday or Monday, when the options are many and the bounty plentiful.

So I am calculating in my head and know that there is probably not enough side dishes now, what all i can make. I get home, and start spaghetti, which is always a favorite and I have meat thawed so that should be easy. I am still in my work clothes when they begin the grazing. I had a 7 lbs pork roast, about 8 ears of roasted corn, 6 roasted nut cracker potatoes (very good and neat trick I will tell you about some day) left over from Sunday dinner, one pound of spaghetti, sauce with beef , a big salad, a veggie plate and of course bread and butter.

With Number one, Zowie and her 4 kids, me, Fat Cat, Tank, and Sasquatch (who was helping Tank with his jeep and is always always welcome for dinner) me and Fat Cat, I was down to one ear of corn, (note, zowie had to come back to pick up the grandson, and had him run in and get the last ear of corn, 'to go' I told her this was not Pop-eyes, there was no 'to go' but wrapped it up for her!)no potatoes, one lunch Tupperware full of left over spaghetti, possible 4 pounds of pork, no salad, and a big dent in my fresh fruit (forgot to mention i had cut up a pineapple and a watermelon). Then poor Angel comes home from work at 8 and a little hungry......


So I have huge guilt and offer her bacon cheese burgers, which she loves. The bacon draws in Tank and Fat Cat like truffle sniffing pigs. I made 6 burger patties, one pound of bacon, and lots of cheese. By 9:30 it was gone. All gone.

Tonight, we got carry out. Just me and Fat Cat, and I had no other food thawed / prepped to cook! We ate a weeks worth of groceries in a night! Damn, maybe it was Pop-eyes!

Stupid Swine

I did not quit smoking to die of Swine Flu! Keep your germs away!!!

Flaming Bastard

So I am on the phone with one of my girlfriends and I smell some thing like lighter fluid. I look out side and see Fat Cat squirting lighter fluid all over the charcoal in the middle of a very windy day in preparation for dinner and the giant pork roast I bought.

I am chatting away when I hear WHOOSH followed by a high pitched girlish scream.

I look out the window just in time to see my husband (and i mean that in the nicest way) who at one time had six pack abs and bulging biceps, now trying to put out the chest hair ablaze on his arm and man boobs (and I mean that in the nicest way). Still with the cigarette in his mouth - probably what stopped him from 'stop drop and roll' as he should be doing.

"Oh my God, do you want me to let you go? " my friend said.

"Fat Cat, did you get your self put out? (and I mean that in the nicest way)"

"I'm good."

"Ok, he got himself out this time, so we are okay. That roast better not taste like hair."

Now if we just had a camero in the front yard!

Fat Cat has his front porch all ready for the summer, with fresh cushions on the chairs mowed all neat with weed and feed abundant. Angel found a great big tiki head fire pit which we had to buy to complete the backyard theme. Of course the 3 grills are up and ready, and if it were not for the wind the umbrellas would be up and the bar rocking. The grandson was here - and as we sat by the flaming tiki head last night -

"Grandma"

"What sweetie?"

"You have a mullet yard."

"What?"

"It is all neat and business in the front and total party in the back."

I nearly blew roasted marshmallow out my nose.

Mother Fetcher

Angel and I decided to play tennis again. Maybe not the best thing to do after working all day and having aggravated carpal tunnel. Basically I was hitting the ball NOT, and spent most of my time chasing the ball and then handing it to her because serving hurts my arm. So I was fetching the ball. That is until Angel nearly impaled herself on the net tightener handle. We went home not long after that. Tennis is hard.

TO SMOKE OR NOT TO SMOKE, THAT IS THE QUESTION

I am not doing well today. My habit is haunting me, peaking around the corners, suddenly making me aware of what I am NOT doing. I really have not been bad, not screaming at my loved ones nor stomping my pets but it is there. So I am trying to think of things that I have done sans nicotine that should make me happy and prove to myself, I really really can do it this time.

Here are my top ten things:

1. Went to lunch with my best friend and had conversation without thinking every two seconds that I need a smoke.
2. Talked my son and daughter in law out of a complete freak out, (my son is facing knee surgery again and may be discharged from the army if things do not go right, and they are talking about moving here, not just this city, but this house! Lord almighty this is probably cause for a melt down) but I did not jump off the phone because I was craving so bad. (the phone is probably the hardest)
3. Actually put on my make up and dried my hair without wrestling the burning ember - dropping it on the floor, or a dog, or my own foot, causing a mark, or burnt hair, or pain.
4. I have made it back and forth to work - alone in the car- where no one would really ever know--without creating a huge billowing cloud of smoke or causing a wreck as drive at 90 to the circle K for a pack of puffs.
5. I went to a woman's group meeting to surround myself with non-smokers and people who did not ever know me as the chimney I was - and did not have to prove how disgusting I am by smoking
6. Still cannot leave at lunch as that is too inviting, but have managed to not empty the vending machines of all the delicious treats.
7. Managed to sit next to Fat Cat, or Smokin-stein as he may be now named, as he chain smoked while watching TV and did not take a loaded gun and light him up (you have no idea how much restraint this took) or just grab one and smoke it myself (you have no idea how much restraint THIS took)
8. Watched my grandson race, while sitting beside his other grandma, who was bragging to my husband how she only received probation and will not have to do time on her meth bust.
9. Played tennis with my daughter, first time picking up a racket since 1978, scared to death I would humiliate myself (which would not be too bad) more afraid I would humiliate my daughter and she would refuse to be seen with me ever again


And the final item on my fun with smoke free me list--

10. Actually being able to pick up my computer and surf with out sucking a fag (that is UK slang for a cig, you freaking sick-o!)

OMG, it is the dreaded snack tray!!!!

I have some sort of snack tray phobia, not so much the actual tray but folding it back up. It is a bi-fold fear, like the stupid engineering treachery device legs. A) I am afraid I am going to grab the the wrong one, force it closed, break the thing into a million pieces, thereby ruining any chance I have to eat in front of the TV again in my entire life and might have well thrown the $20 I spent at Walmart down the toilet. and B) that I may pinch my finger or fingers in the legs while closing it, and either have to wear a snack tray on my hand the rest of my life, thereby ruining my career as a ninja, or losing a digit, which of course would be the middle one and hampering my driving capabilities tremendously. Or worse yet, just barely pinching it and getting one of those weird looking blood blisters that seem to freak out people because they look like a big old bubonic plague boil. Sometimes I just resort to balancing a bowl of cereal on my knees, and fighting off the stupid dogs with one hand, rather than wrestle the TV tray. Or I could eat at the table.

Extra Sausage Please

Tonight, Pizza. Only slightly more nutritious than last night's dinner. If I cannot smoke, damn it, I am going to eat what the hell I want. Where is that Ice Cream?

MMMMM, Good

I ate a solid chocolate Rabbit for my dinner. That's right, I am an adult and I can eat what I want!

Easter Recovery

Fat Cat did the dishes all up today, as a way to make up for the shitty attitude yesterday. Didn't work. Shitty attitude is contagious - I got it now.

Easter was utterly great, Number One showed up with family for a cameo appearance. Food was spot on, thank you, all 19 eaters were fat and sassy. And my brother in law was absolutely thrilled with is birthday presents. (I did a "Golden Child" theme, that include a cake with "The Golden Child" on it, 10 gifts wrapped in all different arrangements of gold wrappings, with these notes about "the golden child" with comments from his brother that were, I have to say, freaking hilarious even though they were actually written by me just in his colorful yet profane way.) I love when I get it right. Does not happen that often so I am patting my own back.

Sasquatch showed up - surprising Angel who was prepared to spend the say sans date. He had the most beautiful flowers I ever saw and made my baby light up like a pumpkin on Halloween. He is pretty good that big old Yettie.

Tank has been all talky lately and I am loving that also. My family is amazing and wonderful, too bad Fat Cat cannot see the beauty of it all.

Evil can be Anywhere

What is a parent supposed to do? If a woman Sunday school teacher can murder a child there is no safe place. This just sickens me. The mother of this child will forever be in my heart. Her and her child are the most innocent victims I could ever imagine.

Traditional Holiday Freak Out

Lord Knows I cannot have a holiday without planning too much for myself and overdoing it. I am sure there is some disorder that I could take a pill and stop spinning myself into a fit, but I have no idea what it would be, because the sickness is entirely wrapped up in the holiday. First it is tax time, and I of course wait until the last minute, because I hate it and use avoidance to resolve that hate. Now I am completely stressed over it. We have Easter, which up until Fat Cat decided to retire, I always used as a gift giving, basket making, over spending, creativity testing, themed holiday. Since then I have dreaded it because I have not done anything. The benefit I now see is that those who only attended for the gifts (I will let you guess as to those parties) have respectively declined the dinner invitation. Weeding (no pun intended) out the true believers so to speak, leaving me with people that really just want to be here. So this year I have decided to reward them with a little creative holiday treat. It should be cute, and if it works well I will pass on the (ingenious) idea. Then there is the actual dinner, which is hard to judge on the quantity, because I have a fluid guest list, of those that 'think' they will be here, and those that 'might not eat' because they have other stops to make. I have revamped my menu at least twice, shopped twice, still do not have all I need, and will either have way too much or not enough. What ever. (please note, I should be making stuff right now in preparation, but I am sitting on the couch, ha ha, yes, I will be spazzing about 4 today!) In the mean time it is also my brother in law's birthday. Now this is tough. What do you buy the person who can buy themselves anything, and does, they want? You can't do it. So what then do you do when you have creativity exhausted all ideas? But know that you have to so something great, because you do love him with all of your heart, and you want to give him at least of all a memory that may top, the home made quilt you did, the Mexican theme that was fantastic, the entertainment package, which is still brought up because it was a huge huge hit. So I have a plan - and I am very excited - but it is a little involved, and overwhelming, and of course too much.

I took the day off to work on all of these things, and am still sitting on the couch not doing anything because I am a bum and tired. Did I mention I have also decided to quit smoking - again? great timing, and really not helping! I am already plotting a way to not quit, what an addict! but I am down to 4 a day which is huge!

No pressure today, I just have to clean my entire house and fix a meal for 15 and get my projects done, and finish my taxes, ...... I think I need to eat, and what is this show -- maybe I will start after I watch this.......

Egg-stavaganza

They are grown these kids of mine, but for those few hours last night they were 12 years old again. I turned back time with 6 dozen eggs and 4 varieties of egg dying magic. The best 10 bucks I have ever spent - $.99 a dozen eggs and clearance dyes with stickers (Camo ones, slightly lame I have to admit), hats (kind of like Santa hats, just a little bizarre - yellow not red but with white trim), Marble (these are a difficult for adults, but about every 5 years PAAS pulls me in because I forget the level of work involved) , and glitter (Damn you PAAS, you fool me on this one too, messy and sticks to everything, In fact this morning I asked Tank if he was too close to a dancer or if he was dying eggs.). George, the grandson I have spent the most of my time lately, joined in our fun, and he was in awe of men (as in Uncle Tank and Uncle Sasquatch) dying eggs like kids. It was not a kid thing to do, it was suddenly fun and cool. I love that these adults still can be children. I love that I really can turn back time. (even to the point there was a slight altercation of who's egg was in the green) It was wonderful

Lay Offs At Work

I have been completely a mess the last few days. As the newest person in my department I thought for sure it would be me, but no they hit my boss. And today I find out I get about 2/3 of the accounts he handled added to my already overwhelming work load. The thought of it had me paralized all day, I could not get much done at all. So I ended up with some sort of god awful heart burn all day that had me near tears and racing home to an empty bottle of Rolaids. (G&^*&^*& D&&^% Fat Cat) Resorted to baking soda in water. That is how desperate of a situation it was. I am thankful I still have my job, I am scared to death someone is going to find out I have no clue what I am doing.