The Who's Who

Okay, I received a request to define the characters of my life, because the complexity of my family is too much to follow so here it goes: (as according to appearance in the family)
ME - AKA Uber-MeMaw extraordinaire constantly trying to make up for the fact that each one of my kids have at least one defunct parent ,while working full time as a person you call if you just want to scream at some one. (Actually on my business cards, ‘Call and scream at her, she loves it.’)

ZOWIE - AKA ‘my step daughter from my first marriage’. A child of two adolesent parents during the seventies. She was cursed with unlimited freedom while her mother cooked up meth in the kitchen. She had a step father that gave her unlimited cash money, which she spent on unlimited boys and tattoos. Example of her at her best - on the way home from the strip club she was working in - she crashed into a police car and went to jail for no drivers license. She has since quit the strip club and since then is living hand to mouth, but now has a license! (Her children are PRETTY BABY, GEORGE, and THE CRACK BABIES- Twin boys)

TANK - AKA my son (the PILOT, my first husband, as the father) AKA GORDHEAD, with a recent loss of 100 plus pounds, a recent graduation from the police academy he is dating a string of completely insane women (shut up, I hear you, men tend to choose women that remind them of their mothers) While trying to get a job in his chosen profession he is delivering pizza’s with a frat house group of buddies that wander in and out of house. His friends are getting married, he got a big screen TV, his friends are moving out, he turned our spare room into his lounge, his wants a Rotwiler , but has settled for one of my Pomeranians. This is his most repeated quote - “you know what the matter with girls is, they are always hungry and they never have any money.” I think I have a confirmed bachelor on my hands.

ANGEL AKA my daughter (again with the PILOT, I did not learn after he demonstrated his complete lack of fathering on the other kids). At barely 5 foot, this blond blue eyed diva is sharp witted, smart as whip, and tough as nails. She is curvy and round, and loveable. She is also given to verbal dyslexia, that is an endless source of entertainment. Certain things have stuck, like Al Bundy Rabbits (albino rabbits) .She also has a low freakout mark, which she does come by naturally, but screaming can occur for no apparent reason. (note- her boyfriend of the moment is SASHQUACH )

FAT CAT aka DAD , my second husband, the one that is completely overwhelmed by everything . He built my house, held the family together while I worked in Europe, held my hand during the deaths of my parents, worked for 30 years and then retired now cannot get up the confidence to start any projects or make a decision. My high energy husband has turned into a super medicated cat. Sleeps most of the time but become very aggressive and mean when provoked. Likely to kill moving objects for food and enjoys a warm sunbeam and fishing.

NUMBER ONE AKA Dad’s oldest boy, abandoned by his mother repeatedly during his childhood, he has now found a real mother in his wife 12 years his senior . I have not seen him much lately (okay we thought we saw him - see “Worst Fear Realized”) I got my nose pushed out of joint when I was not invited to his birthday party last year. Since I had just months before paid for very nice wedding at my home, and cooked all the food and made the cake and had his birth mother there., well I obviously cannot let it go. Part of me is a little jealous, I miss him, and now they are their own family. (JANE as in plain jane is his wife, two very sweet kids from her first marriage, COOKIE MONSTER is his first baby momma, HELEN is his daughter, FRYING PAN is his second baby momma, and J.R. is his son.)

SOLDIER AKA Dad’s other son from his first wife. The one she smothered instead , he is kind and gentle, and was headed down a groovy 70’s kind of path when he up and joined the army. He is in Iraq and front line. He has most of my attention now and most of my worry. (his wife is COUCH, his son HOLDEN, and his daughter J-BIRD)

BUTTERFLY aka Fat Cat’s Daughter from his second marriage. She is a complete contradication of herself. Two completely different sides to her. She has taken the soldier’s place as the one living the 70’s lifestyle while going to school for English. Eats mainly vegetarian and organic, while dabbling is designer drugs and smoking two packs a day. She is 6 foot tall and willowy, very pretty, but sabotages her beauty with piercings and hair dye. As a teen she was one of the Satan sisters, with jet black hair and constant sadness. She is determined to disguise her soft heart and gentleness with a hard of an exterior as chemically possible. (past relationships include LUCIFER and CONEY ISLAND)

BO PEEP AKA Fat Cat’s youngest. She is so painfully shy Butterfly was her translator for several years as she whispered her needs. She now has decided to prove how grown up she is by tattooing herself. She really is convinced she is now tough and worldly. Note, her graduating class had 75 kids. Pretty sure there is not a lot of gansta’s in Tiny Town. (Boyfriend is BUTTER KNIFE)

If it helps at all , Soldier used to describe us a cross between the Beverly Hillbillies and the Addams Family. I can see it.