BEWARE OF THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN

I am sitting in the hospital waiting room right now. I will not bore you with the details of the rest of the trip, involving a harrowing drive through Savannah at rush hour (which caused severe car sickness on our patient), shopping at best buy (to try to mend a lap top that had been to war and had the sand to prove it), a three day drive home (include a wonderful visit with my niece who is just about my favorite person on the planet) , and a detour that took us freakishly close to a nuclear power plant. I actually spent time IMing with my other son, with the Tin Badge, about his emotion disconnect of late. Which is true, about 5 years ago he seemed to just become a little distant and rather unfeeling, I mistook it for becoming a man, as most of them seem so much like that (sorry male gender for that blast of prejudice). In the last 2 years he has lost 100 pounds, educated himself on diet and nutrient, and now is taking a look at the emotion side of things and I have no doubt he will attack with the same determination. He may just find, the problem is he is a sane person in an asylum!
But back to the trip, the entire time, the scarecrow complained of pain in his arm and the pain in his side was getting worse. We landed at home exhausted and first thing headed to the doctor convinced that at 50 he was in the process of having an actual heart attack. They pulled him in, shaved off part of the silver fur that covers his chest and EKG’ed him immediately. Then to X-ray where they examined his lungs and chest because I told them he did NOT smoke about a pack a day but more like 4 packs a day. We waited in silence as the doctor pulled back the curtain with a chart in hand.
“Okay, the EKG shows no heart problems at all, in fact your practically perfect, great blood pressure by the way” What the F? This guy eats bacon on everything, loves pork, butter and lard. This man should have some sign of impending doom with his diet of fast food and ham!
“The lungs look great too, does not seem that you smoke as much as your wife claims, they look like a teenagers.” His tone was condescendingly addressed to me, who obviously had just made everything up. What the hell? No one can breathe when around him, he opens the door of his van and it is like Cheech and Chong. And he has clean lungs. He has abused this body with total abandon and he is perfectly healthy. This cannot be, it is a hoax!
“But” Here it comes, the truth, the constant warnings I and his mother have been giving him, will come to pass. This is going to be awful, I felt as if I should hold his hand for this devastation.
“It seems that arm pain may be a little carpel tunnel aggravated by all the driving” The good news first, he is a good Doctor, bless his heart for having to tell us the next news that will change our lives forever. The scarecrow looked frightened.
“I think the real problem is that your colon and bowels seems to be very full and I am sure some terrible constipation is emanate.”
Yes, this is correct, my husband is full of crap.
Honestly I am glad that is all it is. But damn it, he is smoking and eating salami and dancing around now, and we are all wrong wrong wrong. I find it very annoying.
So we are just here for a stress test, because the Doctor felt it may be good since he is 50 and all. He is being shot up with uranium or titanium or something and will have to carry a card because he may set up some metal detectors. My ears are ringing from my blood pressure and I have a doctor appointment later today to discuss my stress level, which by the way I now know has been aggravated lately by a lot of crap!

Final results - despite 45 minutes on the tread mill, they could not get his heart rate over 121. I hate him.