kracker barrel

I'll String Along with You

2012-02-10T20:10:00.001-05:00

"You may not be an angel, 'cause angels are so few
But until the day that one comes along, I'll string along with you
I'm looking for an angel, to sing my love song to
And until the day that one comes along, I'll string along with you

For every fault that you have, dear, I've got three or four
The human little faults that you do have, just make me love you more
You may not be an angel, but still I'm sure you'll do
So until the day that one comes along, I'll string along with you"

My mother loved this song, I heard her in my sleep last night, humming it over and over. I woke up with it in my head and heart. It is so funny when it happens, those moments when she seeps into my dreams and gives me something to smile about. I miss her.

You Can't See Me

2012-01-15T07:31:00.002-05:00

A recent event where my future daughter in law witnessed an armed robbery had made me reflect on actions. She responded and got out of the situation and called 911 and did everything correctly. In situations like that where you have the instant fear, you are supposed to react with either fight or flight. I am not really able to do that. In intense fear I freeze - like a deer in head lights - thinking somehow that if I do not move or blink, i am somehow invisible. That is my reaction to fear. Invisibility. while other become invincible. Looking deeper, i realize that is how i actually function in life in general. When situations become too intense, i just become invisible, to my friends, to my family. I do not know when this started for me, must have been in childhood, but after all these years i can see that is my habit, a defense of sorts.With this new found knowledge it is time for me to take off my cloak of invisibility and get out again.

Translation

2012-01-09T20:16:00.002-05:00

Kracker Barrel lingoFiance` = Baby Daddy or Baby Momma

2012 THE END IS NEAR

2012-01-08T15:44:00.000-05:00

Well the first sign for me happened today!

Fat Cat went to church with me, yes, he did, and nothing exploded or burst into flames!

Definitely a sign!

Sweet Chocolate Covered Jesus

2012-01-04T19:50:00.002-05:00

Sweet chocolate covered Jesus

I just heard this expression today, I do not know if it is some sort of Holy Ghost entity or if it is a racial slur. But I love it!

I am going to invent a dessert and call it this, possibly for Easter, maybe with nutter butters and marshmallows, and call it sweet chocolate covered Jesus. (how do you get Jesus out of nutter butters and marshmallows? tell him "stop eating my junk food, I can still see you even if you are the Holy Ghost!"-- okay that was bad, i am sorry)

Every time something bizarre has happened today, I say it to myself and laugh!

“Sweet Chocolate Covered Jesus, this customer is angry!”

“Sweet Chocolate Covered Jesus, I need something to drink!”

“Sweet Chocolate Covered Jesus, I would rather blog than work!!”

I love it, I may just create a Facebook page for it, I will include recipes === Sweet Chocolate Covered Jesus Angel food CakeSweet Chocolate Covered Jesus Marshmallow clustersSweet Chocolate Covered Jesus Communion Wafers

Perhaps Facebook “Sweet Chocolate Covered Jesus ” will ‘friend’ Candy Coated Christ, Devil’s Food Cake, Deviled Eggs, and Holy Toast

. I do not think it is cussing, borderline blasphemy, perhaps, but definitely not cursing in the traditional sense. I may just patent this as my own – even though it is totally stolen

“Sweet Chocolate Covered Jesus, I am just incredibly amused with myself!” Obviously I am completely loosing my mind.

UN-PEZIDENTAL BEHAVIOR

2012-01-03T18:06:00.001-05:00

They have gone too far!Things that can be used as a Pez dispenser-- - Cartoon Characters, like Bugs, Smurfs, Beavis - TV Characters, like Spock, Cap'n Kirk, Batman - Movie Characters, mythological creatures, football helmetsAnything but Presidents of the United States!!But there they are - in the aisle at the grocery store, a collection of our forefathers, atop candy dispensers, ready to crack their necks back and spit out a Pez. Yuk!They should be on coins and currency and stamps not Pez.George Washington must be spinning in his tomb, knowing that he is puking out candy from his jugular.This is highly unacceptable!!!

Good bye, Hello!

2011-12-31T08:52:00.000-05:00

Goodbye 2011
You have been the most stressful but magnificent of all years for me, I have learned so much.
I have finally realized how many great friends I have and how lucky I am they have not bailed on me and my chaos
I have learned that I have managed to raise amazing strong children despite my dragging them through all my drama and mayhem. They make better choices, and have allowed themselves to find people that love them and find their way to happiness. I sure did not lead by example.
I have learned that I am much stronger than I had realized previously, that I am capable of making major decisions and knowing that I can pull myself through life.
I have learned that life happens – and that if you do not find the silver lining in what you have been given, It is a miserable existence. That being positive in the face of it all, does work, and that if you can find a way to laugh about it, it will be laughable, and in the end, totally worth it. I have learned that no matter what I have been able to laugh at things, and find the humor – and that just may be my greatest assest. It is time again, to expand that – and make other laugh, hopefully with me and not at me!

Hello 2012
I pray for less stress, but with that stress often comes great growth, could be a slower growth though
I resolve to be a better friend, it is my weakness without a doubt, I need to let all of them know how much they are appreciated and how much I value them. Even though I cannot seem to get more than emails out, and a visit, well that would be way more than I can seem to get done! I am THAT friend. Hate that about myself. My friends have always been better to me than I am to them.
I resolve to tell my children how proud of them I am at every opportunity, they deserve to know that. So many of us go through our lives wondering what our parents think of us. I never really knew, I had to guess, but I want my children to know it. So they can move ahead with their lives with some form of confidence.
I have not had much faith in myself, in my own strength and my own decisions. Probably because I have not made very many good decisions, it had led to doubt. But I did make a lot of choices this year, and to my credit I am totally okay with them. Perhaps it is really time for me. I resolve to allow myself to do things for me but to stop obsessing with myself and all my drama
I resolve to bring back the blogs that have us laughing, to remember that no matter what crap you step in, that hoping around to clean it off your shoe is incredibly funny!

The Crazy Life

2011-11-30T21:15:00.002-05:00

FYI, I now have a facebook, going that way while my crazy life is in full motion. will be back to blogging soon, i am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. It could be an oncoming train, but you never know

H&R Block

2011-08-24T00:01:00.001-04:00

Tank has to have his tax forms for the last year for his interview.... in the morning! Grrr
Since I do his taxes and obviously am responsible for anything to do with them, he informs me i have to get them printed out right away. although that sounds like a task that could be completed by say, hitting the print key or somehting like that, but that just would be incredibly simple.
I grab my lap top and since it is acting all nuts, I decide that if i just print to a file it would be okay and then pull the file up on the desktop and print it. (again i am lulled into simpledom)
I seem to have some sort of glitch that is preventing me from going on the internet, where as it turns out is the file that i need to print to a PDF. so i save to a SBU or USB or BUS or what ever you call this tiny chip. and head off with my rose colored glasses to the desktop (note, it is in the loft where the temperature is akin to the sun's surface) and figure out how to put it in this computer and view the file. Well not actually view because i can see the icon, but i cannot read the file because the software is not on this computer.
But that should be easy enough to load on to it, once i find the disk (note, i had not put it back in the box, i had not put it in the file folder in the cabinet, i had for some reason left it in my lap top, that took about an hour)
Load it up, and go to open the file, but i still cannot because the state form is only on the hard drive and I have to call HR Block to get it again.
there is an 800 number and i cring, but what choice so i have, i am now in a battle with technogogy, my lost youth and my body's endurance of high temperatures.
Now the phone is answered by a gentleman (i am like a reverse psychic. you know how they always say 'the persons name begins with J or T' and you give them a name and they say 'that is it', well i heard his name , i know his name, but all i can tell you is it begins with an R. reverse psychic.) so R manages to help me out of my state of panic and gets me up and running. I will not go into details, but i know all about his life, and we were on the phone easily an hour, and he is my new best friend. If you ever have a problem with your software, ask for the guy with the R name, he is wonderful.
and I then print it out, 4 hours (not an exaggeration) later.
I get the feeling I may be in another clamity spiral.
I call Tank and tell him, he is not impressed, in fact, he asked me if I ate his oatmeal as he needs it for the morning. I told him to go to the store. Grrr

Concidence?

2011-08-23T18:22:00.000-04:00

Now Fat Cat is stuck in southern Ohio where he was visiting soldier, broke down because he is out of gas. Now the gas gage has been broke and he told me "just use this gage here, it tells you how many gallons you use" - which was working fine until he realized that the thing was on liters and not gallons and then he changed it to the correct one for his nationality which then relieved him of the idea that his mini van was getting about 5 miles to the gallon and allowed him to push the envelope and see just how far he could go before he needed gas. Answer- 25.5 gallons worth of gas. Then you really need it...........brought to you!

What a day, i am leaving now for the middle of no where.

ALL SHOOK UP

2011-08-23T17:13:00.001-04:00

And now an earthquake in Ohio. This day is getting more strange by the minute!

Just sitting in my stall and my screen started wiggling, and my hand sanitizer fell over and I thought. This is odd, perhaps something hit the building. and for about 30 seconds i considered panicking and running through the halls and out the door. But i calmed my self down and realized that if the earth was not opening up with lava spewing that no one would appreaciate my sense of urgency. most people did not even feel it. I guess i am just hypersensitive, in tune with nature

I (Sp)am her Friend

2011-08-23T12:19:00.001-04:00

The tone for the day can be rather odd, when it starts out with your friend blasting you with porno emails at work.

This Explains A Lot

2011-07-25T22:20:00.000-04:00

"You have to help me! I am nearly blind, I am deaf, and I am dumb. Not the dumb like you are mute, but the real dumb. so when I say I cannot find something, stop trying to make fun of me and just help me!"

Fat Cat when he could not find his keys today

To My Beloved Grandson

2011-07-07T17:02:00.000-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY T.J.
WHERE EVER YOU ARE

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU AND HOLD YOU IN MY HEART. YOUR MEMORY WILL NEVER FADE FOR ME.

10 Cakes

2011-06-29T20:28:00.002-04:00

I have had a couple requests for the lists of cakes that were at the shower, so here they are, and yes I made them all.......

1. Red velvet - with pink tinted butter cream icing
2. Banana, with banana filling, and whipped cream icing flavored with my homemade vanilla
3. Tres Leches- "Three Milks" - a rich custard cake, with fresh whipped heavy cream, and topped with blueberries, red raspberries, and blackberries (this is like the new thing on the food network)
4. New York Cheese cake topped with cherries
5. Black Forrest, which had dark chocolate, cherry filling, and vanilla bean cream
6. Yellow butter cake, with chocolate butter cream frosting
7. Coconut, which is white cake and coconut frosting
8. Carrot bundt cake with cream cheese icing
9. German chocolate, which is the milk chocolate cake, filled and topped with a cooked Carmel pecan and coconut icing, wrapped in a thick milk chocolate gnash
10. a 4 layer bride cake, alternate with strawberry sour cream and french vanilla layers, filled with strawberry preserves and topped with a sweetened whip cream icing and of course the Barbie Doll

Showered with Love

2011-06-27T19:11:00.002-04:00

Got to admit I may not have given my daughter the perfect life, I may not ever have been the perfect mother, but for one brief moment, i gave her the perfect shower. I could not have been more proud of my friends, my family and my children. if this is any preview of the wedding to come, I am so excited!

THANK YOU MY FRIENDS! YOU MADE IT ALL HAPPEN!

Left of Legal

2011-06-02T17:01:00.000-04:00

So The Sasquatch is at the gas station last night on his way home from work, he pays for the gas, which is always unsettling, and pumps it, then glances inside the car and sees his keys and phone laying on the seat. About the same time as he realizes the doors are locked.

Hmmm

He cannot call Angel, because his phone is trapped in the car, resting beside his keys. He cannot use a payphone because they no longer exist. He goes back inside, he explains the situation, which although is embarrassing, is probably not the worst thing a gas station attendant has ever heard, and reluctantly , and possibly only because he is large and someone intimidating, they allow him to use their phone. He calls his dear girlfriend.

She is shopping at the mall, her phone rings, she glances at the caller ID, does not recognize the number and drops the call to voice mail.

He realizes she has just put him to voice mail, and tries to leave a message that expresses the urgency, but since he is standing in a crowded gas station, does not involve screaming and cursing.

She continues to shop.

He also realizes he cannot call anyone else because he does not have any other numbers in his head, only in the phone memory, which again is in the locked car.

She gets this felling that since that odd number left a message, that maybe she should listen.

Panic ensues.

She calls Fat Cat –who snags a wire hanger (thank god we still use them, “No more wire hangers” is not something we have ever said) from the closet, grabs the wire cutters from the kitchen table (where I was using them to make flower arrangements- another story). And bolts out the door to his white horse to save the day (okay not a white horse, but a bashed up 2004 minivan, that could be mistaken for a salvage vehicle)

Sasquatch is still awaiting – no clue if Angel got the message, no clue who else to call because no one else would be home nor close.

Angel is racing home to get the other set of keys, because she has no faith that a coat hanger can open a car door.

Fat Cat arrives, hops out, wiggles in the coat hanger, and pops open the door.

Sometimes it makes me a little nervous that his talents are slightly left usable in the law abiding world, but none the less, he did manage to be very efficient.

Then they took us out for chicken. Perfect!

NO TALENT ASS CLOWN

2011-06-01T17:30:00.000-04:00

How do you know when you are overwhelmed and should just go home? When you are getting ready for lunch to start, and decide to go to the restroom, and notice that you have two DIFFERENT socks on, (not only in color but in the pattern) and they show because you are wearing flats. That is how. GRRR

Also Angel has a series of buttons that she wears for work (I believe they actually call them ‘flare’) and she has them from all over and gets them from all over, and sometimes she just gets a bag of them, and has to go through them because some are not ‘family friendly’ – so she has one that says ‘NO TALENT ASS CLOWN’

Okay I have no clue what that means, but it is just hysterical and I cannot stop saying it (in my head, because I can’t really say it out loud at work ) and then just loosing it (out loud)

So after the mismatched socks and the bursts of laughter so violent that pop just erupts from my nose, I think my co workers believe me to be insane. Or maybe I am just a ‘no talent ass clown’

Little Lonely

2011-05-04T21:51:00.000-04:00

Have to admit it, I am a little lonely - miss my baby girl.

Empty Room

2011-05-01T20:57:00.001-04:00

Angel has moved, her own home, now it is just Tank

It's On!

2011-04-03T19:43:00.006-04:00

The 'save the dates' are in the mail, all the bridesmaids have made bail, So off we went in search of the Holy Grail. To southern Ohio a shop we know Where every prom we used to go when we did not have much money to blow And I promised her I would not shed one tear but she is my darling my dear my emotions overflowng was my fear I bit my tongue and my lip But let me give you a solid tip so that you do not let your feeling slip Hold your pride in very tight and then late at night when you know longer have to fight To your blog you can cry because she is your baby and no matter how hard you try You do not want to give her to that guy (we have the dress, i did not cry, i am now, that is no lie)

Water Water Everywhere!

2011-03-21T12:00:00.002-04:00

Yep the 55 gallon Fish Tank has sprung a leak. sort of like the ocean on the isle of Japan. We have managed to save the fish, with a brand new tank. I hate Fate!

Tank's Voice Mail

2011-03-18T20:43:00.002-04:00

"Damn it"

"Hello? Hello?"

"Fat cat, what are you doing?"

"It beeped when i was leaving the message, he was trying to call me, and now i lost them both I thnk! Hello hello??"

"did you hit the flash button?"

"What the hell is a flash button? No I hit the green button, to get the call but he was not there.......wait a minute --- I think the beep was the voice mail beep........ damn it."

Japan Nuclear Meldown

2011-03-17T15:28:00.002-04:00

Is it really called "Fuck You shima"? Really? I would not have wanted to live near that even when it was intact.

It is Getting Closer!

2011-03-15T12:11:00.002-04:00

Angel and two of the bridesmaids are trying on dresses today! it will not be long before i am crying (over all the money spent) and missing her (because she is the only one that can set the DVR for me).

Sheenisms

2011-03-10T21:03:00.001-05:00

How much cocaine did charlie sheen do?

enough to kill two and half men!!!!!!!!!

Craig List Find

2011-03-07T20:11:00.003-05:00

Big Old fish tank, up and running, and Fat Cat is in heaven. So happy he can't do dishes because he is too busy staring at it!

Crissteen

2011-02-26T08:12:00.000-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
ISN'T GREAT TO BE 32!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

LOVE YA!

9 More Inches

2011-02-24T20:57:00.002-05:00

I hate weather you can shovel
I hate defrosting my windows
I hate not smoking
I hate healthy food
I hate that tomorrow is my mothers birthday and I miss her all over again
I do not need more snow
Come on Spring, pluck me out of this depression

To My Children

2011-02-14T12:01:00.002-05:00

Have a happy valentines day!!! Remember that I love you forever, no one will ever love you like I do, and without exception every moment you have been in my life has been a blessing. To relax- I close my eyes and see your faces, to feel happy I listen for your laughter , and to be at peace, I remember first holding you in my arms.

My control freak is showing, sorry

2011-02-08T16:35:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was Fat Cat’s birthday. We had planned to have dinner on Sunday, with all the kids, but his mother decided we should all go out to dinner, and she decided that his brother would pay. Nice. I hate to sound ungrateful, but I think that it is a lot to continually ask someone else to pay and to organize something when I already have plans set up. Ugh. My control freak is showing, sorry I need to adjust it. But let me tell you that some days I spend hours dealing with rather dim-witted-slow-thinking-island-dwelling-Englishmen, and my frustration often carries over to my home life. Yesterday I told my husband, ‘call the license bureau and find out when they are open so that I can get your plates and your drivers license when I get off work” so he called and said 6:00. So I go home, beep for him, he comes out and we drive to the license bureau and they are closed. Ugh. Rather than just make the call, he guessed. Instead of paying the bills I should just ‘guess’ how much I owe, I am sure that will work out famously.

So we go home and I am then informed about the dinner plans, which torques me a good one, and after I watch TV whilst Fat Cat proclaims how terrible it is to be old and how terribly unhappy he is. (note, angel put some coffee creamers, those fancy flavor ones, in the fridge with a bow, so he has already had a gift, and he got calls from his other 2 daughters) after about 16 phone calls between him and his mother, and one session of vomiting by him, after one of the calls, he decides it is time to leave and we go out the door and I step on of the railroad ties that was covered by about a foot of snow and as I found out momentarily, about another foot of solid ice. I hit the snow with my foot, the ice with my well padded behind, and the railroad tie with my spine. There was rolling about some screaming and crying, (mainly by Fat cat because I am screwing up his birthday dinner) and some by me once I regained my breath and realized I was not completely paralyzed. Ugh.

We are of course the last ones to arrive, which we knew because everyone had called us all the way there, to see where we were at. God bless the cell phone. It is a shame no one can use it to help me just see why I am holding them up, excuse me , I have to crawl my 50+ year old ass out of the snow pile before I answer it thank you. Ugh.

Did I mention that my brother in law just got back from the cruise? Had to hear about that all during dinner – I may just throw up myself.

The Car, The Man

2011-02-01T20:36:00.003-05:00

I have yet another theory--

I think cars really do represent the men that choose them, this does not work for women, who see cars as big purses usually, but for men, it is the window to their souls.

For example-- my husband drives a mini van, despite the fact that are children are grown with kids of their own, he does not care, he wants people to see he is a man with a family, a man that has to drive his family around, the caretaker, the father, the husband, that is what he is- despite his best effort to be the 'cool' guy.

my son, drives a jeep with one billion miles. He will not give up on it, he made the decision to buy it, he loves it - he will not abandon it, it is rugged and dependable, as he is, and he babies it - no matter the faults it is his and he loves it. He is that way about his things, he loves them forever, when he finally settles down, he will never give up on his marriage- no matter what -no matter how frustrated and angry, he is loyal to the end. He is this way with me, no matter what drama I have drug him through, no matter how my behavior has often caused him pain, his love for me never wavers.

my future son in law, now he has two vehicles, because he has two sides, in reality he is shy and reserved on the surface but a big man, and solid and strong, but underneath and once you know him, his is smart and hilarious with a sly smile that leads me to see a glimpse of a mischievous playful heart.. His vehicles are that - first the big SUV, it is big and strong and can handle anything, with the accessories to help others, it is him, and i feel as safe in that beast as I am with my daughter in his arms. Then there is his toy, his show car, his fun side, showy, shiny and full of pep and loud and eye catching. He cherishes it, as he will his family, his destiny is to be proud of his shiny stunning family. I cannot wait to see what he will do for them!

Then there is my oldest son, who trades vehicles and styles of vehicles so frequently that it shows he cannot settle down, he does not know what he wants, he does not know who he is.

While soldier, he has allowed his wife to choose for him, and that my friends is truly the complete reflection of him.

Snorting His Drug

2011-01-20T18:25:00.005-05:00

Hey you got boogs- I told him, as is my job, being that I am about a foot shorter than him and have full view of his nasal cavity and after all these years, there is no need for manners.

Damn it- he marches to the mirror, then he started chuckling

You busted me, when i was at the gas station i got a big old donut - I thought i had wiped it off by now

No - and now that i get a good look at you, you missed that big gob of jelly on your shirt too

Dinner is ready

Sweet, I am starved

New Restaurant

2011-01-19T20:42:00.001-05:00

Fat Cat: "I'm going to open a new restaurant, calling it Beaks and Feet, a chicken place."

Wedding Plans Begin

2011-01-18T07:00:00.000-05:00

I have made the list, going to check it twice!

The date for the shower is set, The Date for the Wedding is set!

Tank - My Favorite (at least for this week!)

2011-01-17T12:22:00.003-05:00

If anyone offers to treat you to a Spa massage (not the Happy Ending kind you freaks) - do it! Amazing I tell you and so relaxing I could just melt into a pile of gue. I will be going back. Thank you Tank, it was awesome. Had a manicure and a pedicure also, with a facial, i cannot belive I am 50 something and never did this before, it was great!

New Year Poo

2011-01-04T17:00:00.000-05:00

My husband is somehow incapable of planning anything any more, and I get stubborn and refuse to do it, and there is a lot of “what do you want to do?” “ I don’t care, what do you want to do?” “ I don’t know, what do you want to do….” This usually goes on for about 20 minutes until I stop it by beating him to death with a bat (in my imagination of course, not reality) and by bat I actually like to picture a rabid screaming vampire bat vs. the traditional weapon of a baseball bat, which seems oddly to boring for my imagination to settle on.

I choose this time to just take the screaming frothing bat out of the picture and plan something myself. Since we were robbed of our usual excursion to see grandkids in Missouri for New Years, I thought maybe a nice road trip in the shocking 50 degree temp would be fun and relaxing. So we drove to a few places that we used to go when we were younger, we drove to Lake Erie to small parks and summer places like Geneva on the Lake and wandered on the shore with our memories and stories, and held hands while the seagulls bobbed on ice chunks. We stopped for dinner at a marvelous little Italian restaurant where the chef was the owner and the food was just impeccable. It was like a New York City restaurant plopped in the middle of a nearly vacant winter coastline, but there were a few of us there, shocked at the spectacular tastes and aromas. It was just a late lunch but we stuffed ourselves like walruses and waddled out to the van.

We drove along the Lake to Conneaut Lake Park in PA, where we took the kids when they were little. A closed tiny amusement park that is stuck in the 1920’s with ancient rides and a rollercoaster whose age was much more frightening than the ride. It was so cute and we walked around it remembering the trips and the fun. The hotel is still there, also from the 20’s and we wondered inside to the lobby which may just have been a time machine itself, slipping us back to a time of Victorian opulence and beaded lampshades. I of course, was immediately in love and wanted to stay there forever, whilst my husband could only see the building bursting into flames or (as he kept pointing out later) the fact that the place was obviously build long before indoor plumbing was all the rage and there may be one toilet per floor. He was convinced upon arrival that there would be a basin and pitcher of water in each room. They offered a New Years special of dinner, midnight buffet of appetizers, open bar, band, dancing, room, and breakfast for $175 a couple. A fabulous deal (“I am not sharing a bathroom with New Years drunks with little to no aim” he kept whispering) I get it, but it had this dinning room that overlapped the lake with huge glass windows and ducks on the water (“one wayward spark and this place will go up like a barn full of dry straw” he kept whispering.) I get it, but it was amazingly cute and I almost forced the issue, but he was really right, and it was really old and I like my modern plumbing and cable and so we left.

We drive a ways, the GPS letting us drift about the back roads and state routes, with no time restraints, but it was now dark and we needed a hotel before the roads were filled with amateur alcoholics. So the GPS gave us some options and I called them, found one with rooms and not freakishly expensive. And with a bar/restaurant available for New Years. We get there, they were nice, clean, friendly and we get our key and go up to the room. It was a little on the small side, but okay. No remote we realized and called the front desk, he says he will bring one up, nice. So I have to go to the potty first, and flip on the light……..

To find poo on the seat, the back of the toilet and splattered about the tub. OMG. About vomited, started screaming, and running about putting my coat on, announcing how I was getting outta here and they could just give me my money back, because this is nasty and disgusting, and I ain’t having it. The non-suspecting front desk guy shows up during this, with my remote, and I drag him to see it, and he does not want to see it, but I insist that he sees it. And show him not only was it poo, but explosive poo and horrid and he freaked and I was freaking and my husband was out the door with the suitcase. Fortunately he did give us a really nice upgrade for free, and it was hugely gorgeous and spacious and well worth the freak out! Very special room, a suite. It was so nice we just got food and stayed in it all evening, relaxing in the space.

So it ended up okay, although we had drama.

I guess sometimes you have to witness poo to get to the sweeter part of life!!!

Day Two

2010-12-15T18:30:00.001-05:00

“On the Second day of Christmas, my loving family gave to me
----------- Two turtle doves, ------------------“

I may have just bitten off more than I can chew
But you know how I am, there is nothing I can do

Turtle doves, I have not a clue
So off in search to fine someone that knew

Exasperated, I finally asked your brother
He said it has to be one or the other

It cannot be both, was the vote from each
So I Googled them, but this is really a reach…………….

Kracker Carol--------------

“On the second day of Christmas, my confused and frustrated family gave to me
Two dozen turtles made of dove chocolate
And a pair of drunken Partridges in a Charlie brown tree”

(this time it was candy, and he has no clue yet that this is for 12 days, he thought the tree was it!! Funny!

The 12 days of Xmas begin.........

2010-12-14T06:19:00.000-05:00

“On the first day of Christmas, my loving family gave to me
-----------A partridge in a pear tree------------------“

Wow, Christmas has snuck up again this year,
And I am really pressed to bring you holiday cheer!

I struggled hard and worried almost all night
Because I wanted to do this just right

I wanted to bring the carol to life, make it real
To show you just exactly how we really feel

But of course my brilliant plans are all a skew
And I have to resort to what I can actually do!

Okay, it is not a partridge and it is not a pear tree,
so the Kracker carol will be……………………

“On the first day of Christmas, my mentally disturbed over worked stressed out loved one gave to me ……………..

A pair of drunken Partridges in a Charlie brown tree

(I found mug shots of Danny Bonaduce and David Cassidy and printed them out, made ornaments and stuck them on a charlie brown tree, my poor brother in law does not know what he is in for! This is waiting on his table at home!)

I am at it Again

2010-12-01T20:36:00.001-05:00

I am gearing up for some Xmas fun! I can;t get my tree out of the shed but at least I am in the spirit!

THE HISTORY OF RAP

2010-11-16T17:00:00.000-05:00

This is the truth and I will say it to the end
There is only one person and I say it again
That started the rap, that began it all,
In all of our youth when they were really quite small

It was the Seuss, the Doctor you remember
Who’s volume of words ate up forests of timber
His endless rhyme and rhythm of the word
Set in motion a pattern they all have heard

So they grow up, these children of ours
To spit forth the words in crowds of bars
With countless forms of simple rhyme
That gives birth to rap artists in their own time

The familiar bounce, the turn of phrase
Bubble up from them deep in a blue smoke haze
They sing forth their trouble, their fears, and their fight
All with full echo of words in the poems we read at night

Now some will smirk and say I’m lying
My theory of how it started they are not buying
But think back, all the books that have his name
Were read by all those in the hall of rap fame

He penned his first going back to 1937
And now he looks down from heaven
But Dr. Seuss, the rhyming king you surely are
Showing us how words alone can make anyone a star!

Insightful Fat Cat

2010-11-04T20:49:00.002-04:00

"You know what my mother says to me when she calls her?"

"No"

"One of two things, Either - 'is your wife at home?' or 'have you seen your brother?' that is it, one of those too, not how are you Fat Cat, what is going on Fat Cat."

"Oh, I better call her back."

"Nice, real nice."

A Quarter of a Century

2010-08-09T21:29:00.002-04:00

The weekend our Butterfly turned 25 and the party was all about The Sweet Sweet Life of Our Butterfly. The below story was on a huge board with each of the Sweets listed (yes all 25) layed out on a big table. Made her cry, did not want that, but it was Sweet......

From sugar and spice and all things nice, 25 years ago the sweet sweet life of Butterfly began. She wore candy necklaces and ate penny candy (1- store treats) and loved a gum ball (2-see large dispenser). As a little sweetie, she loved all her holidays, like Easter with scavenger hunts and big stuffed bunnies and jelly beans (3- Jelly Belly assortment).

When she received more than just boxes Butterfly loved her Christmas’s, especially when she was old enough to help Santa (which was needed because Santa is a little klutzy, remember?) and helping Grandma with the cookies. (4-white chocolate brownie balls). The lighter holidays like St Patrick’s day (5-Irish Crème Sticks) and Valentines day (6- Milk Chocolate covered peanuts) (Remember the time you thought only April got the gift card?), although delicious were not her special days.
Thanksgiving was totally fun with unlimited pumpkin pies (7-pumpkin pie with spray whipped topping) but none of these were her favorite…..The day of her people, Halloween, which reigns supreme in the eyes of our dear Butterfly! (8-Reeces cups )

Besides the joy of the holidays, there were other occasions that were delectable to precious Butterfly … The weddings of her brother Number one to Plain Jane (9- banana cake with whipped cream icing) although the wedding severely effected her birthday extravaganza she forgave them, as is her nature. Then the was the event of Soldier and Coach's` (10- chocolate covered strawberries). The births of her nieces and nephews filled her heart with love (11- chocolate cup cakes, the are ‘filled’)

Butterfly, on of ‘our’ three princesses , visited Disney (12- Mickey chocolate covered Oreos) with Uncle Craig and spent another the summer with Dad at the water park (13- Watermelon). But time has proven Butterfly is much more adventurous than anyone could have predicted.

She packed up and went to Pittsburg where she learned of the world (remember your car being broken into, and getting lost on the way home?) (14- Tiramisu) and ghost hunted and walked (15 -Tootsie roll ghosts) with brother Tank who shares her interest in the ‘other’ world.

Always the apple (16-Whole grain Apple muffins) of her father’s eye, she spent many Sundays (17-Ice cream sundaes) at his side, learning about life and colorful language. She has studied the language of love - French (18 Crème Brule). She studies hard now to someday claim her fame and fortune (19-Fortune Cookies).

There has been times our fair Butterfly has been blue (20- blue berry tarts) but usually her sweetness shines through. She is as smooth as butter, or peanut butter, (21- fudge) and is as comfortable eating sushi as she is eating a hamburger and fries (22- peppermint patty between vanilla wafers). I do not mean to be cheesy (23- star cherry cheese cakes) but she is the prize in the Cracker Jack (24- again, self explanatory)

We are truly blessed to have Butterfly in our lives. It is not every child who wants to go to ‘Prison’ (24-Prison Jello, orange with carrots, pineapple and raisins) (don’t want to ruin the birthday but really getting desperate now, low on ideas) with her parents.

She is so loved. And these 25 years have been wonderfully sweet!

Perfect quote

2010-07-21T17:30:00.000-04:00

“What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal. ”
—Albert Pike
(1809-1891); Attorney, Writer, Soldier

Shower Power

2010-07-19T17:15:00.002-04:00

For an interesting idea- a bridal shower in a Medieval theme, you can adapt as you need, the parcels contain the cleaning item listed beside them but the actual letter did not include the name of the item.

Dear Lady _____,

Hear ye, hear ye, today the sixteenth of July, in the year of the Lord, two thousand and ten, we gather together to celebrate the …(open wrapped parcel 1)…..Dawn of a royal new … (open wrapped parcel 2)……. Era. The sacred union of Marriage is not a journey to underestimate or to enter into with the spirit of a crusade. Some days it will be pure ………(open wrapped parcel 3) …….Joy but unfortunately, there will be those other times that will try the patience of the young Fair ____. There may come a time when you realize your big …… (open wrapped parcel 4)

…. brawny mate is not necessarily …. (open wrapped parcel 5)
…. Mr. Clean. When this and other equally frustrating moments occur, do not … (open wrapped parcel 6)..shout but choose instead to go …… (open wrapped parcel 7)… Easy-on the poor bloke. And God willing the .. (open wrapped parcel 8) … Tide will change post haste and tensions will .. (open wrapped parcel 9) …. Vanish, and your marital relationship will … (open wrapped parcel 10) … Bounce back to normal.

We think you and Sir _____are a … (open wrapped parcel 11) … Fantastic couple with a …. (open wrapped parcel 12) .. Zest for life and a sincere appreciation for each other. We fully support you, as you …… (open wrapped parcel 13) …… Pledge to spend your lives as one.

We wish you all the best, including love, happiness and lots of time to……
(open wrapped parcel 14)……Snuggle!.

Everone loved it - and points for creativity!

In Case You thought My Life has Suddenly Turned Calm

2010-07-12T11:12:00.002-04:00

The Tall Ships (pirate like sale boats) were on the Lake for viewing / touring, something I have always wanted to do, and finally got Fat Cat in the spirit, although reluctant. But stepped onto the porch to leave when we realized we had locked ourselves out of the house first off. My already grumpy (raise your hand if at all surprised) husband had to break into our own house to get the keys to the van. (note - a dog escaped without us knowing it, and Angel came home hour later, to a scared little dog running up the street. We managed to get to Cleveland fairly without drama but could not find our way out of the parking deck (raise your other hand if at all surprised) Whilst roaming through the underground layers of cars, I begged (okay, bitched at) my husband to go back for the umbrellas, he thought me silly and finally relented but only grabbed my little fold out not the giant golf umbrella we also brought. We popped out onto the street and we were about 100 years from the van and the sky opened up and drenched us. And of course, Fat Cat had to take out his hearing aids so we really could not talk, without shouting, so that was frustrating. Then I got yelled at for trying to get on a boat that was not on the tour,(in the line of ships, looked like the other ships, had a table in front of it, and flags all over it, but apparently that was my own stupidity not a glaring problem or anything) And of course Fat Cat kept calling the woman an A^&^&%^& every time we saw her. Fat Cat had some kid in line behind him that kept splashing him with the muddy dock water, and touching his butt (Yes, Fat Cats butt - very very odd). My glasses were so messed up from all the rain, that I could not see and Fat Cat could not hear but we were there about 3 hours, toured all the ships I felt like touring. Then were nearly mugged (the guy was obviously following us and getting closer as we approached the deck) on the way to our car, fortunately my husband was so flaming angry by this point that before we got to the parking deck he whipped around and confronted the sleaze ball, who abandoned the mugging, and scampered off. I loved the ships , the rest of the day – not so much. But as you can tell things are all the same here.

Sorry for the Lack of Posts

2010-04-16T12:28:00.002-04:00

Sorry, but I have been trying to eat healthy and diet, which appearantly i cannot do whilst posting, watching TV or cleaning. Seems I can only diet while at work or sleeping. and it makes me a little tense, not quiting smoking tense, but I will smack your face if you ask me to get you anything to eat or if you mention chocalote at all or if i just feel like it. Not very nice behavior for a Memaw.

I Hear Nothing

2010-04-05T21:56:00.003-04:00

They all left last night after a complete meltdown, a battle of the diva's, a major holiday dinner of 22, and of course, laughter. Half hour after all had left, the dogs had dropped where they stood, and Fat Cat and I were collasped on our respective couches. And what is that we hear? Silance, damn is it nice!

FULL HOUSE-- SURPRISE

2010-04-01T12:34:00.005-04:00

Soldier and family showed up Saturday, after turmoil and drama at the other stops. They crashed, i panicked to get into town for supplies as they announced they will be here until Monday! I cannot get out of work, the kids are entrusted to FAT CAT, and a slew of relatives have visited daily. I am taking up serious drinking.

All Things Creepy

2010-03-28T18:49:00.005-04:00

You know in scary movies where the girls turn their backs and suddenly the men are gone? You know how you think, 'how ridiculous is that, so unreal?' Well let me tell you that when you are in a giant closed down prison build in the 1800's at night, with only flashlights and you and the person who has known you longer than pretty much everyone on the planet and you turn around and you are the only two people, it happens! All i could say was if we had been wearing nities or bikinis an ax murderer would have suddenly apeared! I wore granny panties to make sure they were kept at bay.

I paid for this joy, for Fat Cat to have a birthday present of ghost hunting (like those TV shoes) so i found a woman who does it, booked me, fat cat, tank, bo peep and Butterfly for an evening (until 2 am!) ghost hunt in Mansfield Reformatory (they filmed the Sawshank Redemption there!)
Freakishly scary and haunted and such an eternally sad place, it wraps you up in fear and sends your heart racing.

Nothing like putting your selves in the midst of a panick on a bone chilling evening, armed only with flashlights and recording devices, to bring you all together! I loved it, absolutely loved it! Got my palm read, too.

What do I know?

2010-03-24T22:17:00.003-04:00

Soldier and crew were due in Ohio 3/15. Could not pin them down to the day and time they would be at our house. Three weeks they are on vacation (yes, i told them it was ridiculous to take their son our of school for 3 weeks and take all his vacation at one time--- in March--- in Ohio--- But what do I know) They could not get out of the house until 3/18 (the baby was not feeling well, and conveniently that gave them time to actually pack, despite my prodding to get it done the weekend prior, but what do I know?). Then they left just in time to hit 5:00 traffic in St Louis. (I know, it seems odd that they would drive themselves into it, but again, what do I know?) Then they end up driving only another hour and stay in a hotel. They make it another few hours on 3/19, and land with Soldiers friends still 3 hours away from me. But near his real mother, who does not have time to spend with them ( yet again, as is always the story, which i tried to brace him for, so he would not turn into that little 8 year old waiting for her to love him, but what do i know) They stay there until yesterday, then moved on to his wife's family, where fighting has already started and Soldier is ready to go back to Iraq rather than deal with these people (how can they expect to have peace when Grandpa - 80, a smoker on oxygen, mother in law, legally crazy smoker, sister, possible meth head and smoker, 2 children one a month old- second hand smokers, baby daddy , works part time, smoker, baby daddy son by previous baby momma who is in jail - how can this not be fun - what do I know)

I think I am reaching the point in life where I am freakishly wise and omnipotent. Maybe i am clairvoyant or just a genius, but I predict they will show up her early next week at the latest, broke (because the income tax check just is not going to make it much further) and broken (in spirit because the fantasy homecoming is just not what they thought it would be). And I will wait it out, while Fat Cat frets and bitches, for the call and the tears, and the safe landing. This is what I know.

Stupid Stupid Jesse James

2010-03-22T19:44:00.002-04:00

My husband has a huge man crush on Jesse James, and when he married Sandra Bullock, well, he became a near God in the eyes of Fat Cat. But now - even he has lost respect for this man he so admired.

"What the hell, he threw perfection away for a whore. I don't want to be him any more."

Knew It Was Bad

2010-03-07T15:57:00.002-05:00

Friday was just cursed. All I wanted was a stupid vending machine pastry, but no, i cannot retain the numbers in my head long enough to punch them in correctly. What did i end up with? Not a cherry turnover as I so desired, but some salami tube that i brought home and fed the dogs. Which by the way gave them horrid gas and poop.

UGH

The Haunting

2010-03-01T20:27:00.003-05:00

He is haunting me lately. Whispering to me while I sleep, waking me - then gone with a breath. Arriving in my dreams with laughter one moment - then in the next he appears as he did at the end. I want to sleep to hear his voice again. I miss him, my father. It has been forever but in my dreams he is there looking at me with all the love a father could have. In my dreams I run and jump into his arms, but also I hold him in mine as he grows cold and lifeless - again and again, over and over. The joy the haunting brings, is often crushed when I relive loosing him, worth it though, every single little second.

I HATE SUNDAYS, IT MEANS MONDAY IS NEXT

2010-02-28T21:48:00.002-05:00

I hate this, I want to be the person that stays home.

Halloween - And the addiction continues

2010-02-22T15:54:00.006-05:00

Fat cat is bored, never good--so he has once again allowed his addiction to control him. He has taken two of my Tupperware very expensive very nice bowls (I only have a few that I can actually find the lids) and about 32 feet of PVC pipe and paint and fibers to create.....

A really large (and by that I do mean bigger than a lawn tractor, but smaller than a mini van) nasty scary spider.

This thing is about 3 foot high and 4 foot across. It's eyes glow, it stands up on its own legs and he is trying to figure away to make it mobile. He is about to build a herd of them!!! Hide your Tupperware my friends!!

Fried-n-heimers

2010-02-15T17:30:00.000-05:00

Ok, so when we put the new floors in our house, we removed some of the unsitely cold air return grates and have not been able to find replacement ones. Which is appearantly a very difficult task. Fat Cat measured the one that is still on that looks like crap. 15 x 9. Excellent. But we have went to every freaking hardware do it yourself store in the greater Kracker Barrell area but we cannot find them. our house is not that old, but it seems that the new ones use a new measurement for the ductwork, so we are stuck. Fat Cat decised he is going to have to build some sort of frame for one that is a little smaller, so we go home and he takes off the nasty grate and we clean out the hole and he measures it. the opening is 14 x 8. Hmmm. could it be the grate that you buy is by the opening size and not the size of the old nasty grate? Why yes, yes it is. I could say nothing, I am still trying to the the soap cream off the sheets and pillows.

Worst Lotion on the Planet, YUK

2010-02-13T21:06:00.002-05:00

So for Christmas Butterfly really went overboard for me, and one of the many gifts were these wonderful Cashmere Lotions from Bath and Body. I had not tried them before and everyone said they were fantastic. I had not used them yet, and the other night while laying in bed i thought how nice it would be to have the lotion on my night stand so i could put it on my hands and feet when i don't have to get back up. The next day I put them on the stand. Determined to use them, one a cream and one a lotion. I forgot about them until last night when i went to bed and my neck was really dry and AAHHAA I just happen to have lotion. So i grab the tube of cream and i squirt a glob on my hand and rub it on my neck and winter dry hands and arms. It was really sticky and would not absorb in. And the smell was over powering. OMG. Nasty it was. Thick and sticky and clumpy. I tell you it was horrible. I decided right then in the morning I would throw out this lumpy sticky stinky stuff. I awoke and found my arms were still sticky. OMG. I put on my glasses and after gettting the nutty dogs plucked out of the morning snow drift. I came back up and grabbed the tube to pitch it, i looked at the lable as I walked to the trash. Cashmere SHOWER CREAM.

That is totally different - sleeping all slathered up in soap is not that great for the skin. I put the tube in the shower. I tried the actual lotion. it is really really nice. totally not sticky. What a freaking nut job.

I Give Already

2010-02-11T20:42:00.002-05:00

I have been stuck in my driveway - both going in and going out. my boots and shoes are all salt covered. My dogs are peeing all over the porch because they can't go into the snow, it is deeper than they are tall. The white is blinding, the temperature is plumiting, and i am getting stagnet and stiffled. I am ready to just pack up and head to Jamamaca. Because it is ja-makin-me crazy!

Fat Cat's B-day

2010-02-09T12:00:00.002-05:00

Cable Guy Jacket- means one of those flannel zip up coats with a hood

His mother gave him one for Xmas and one for his birthday, his response after peaking in the gift bag:

"I don;'t have to open it - it is one of those cable guy jackets. Like you gave me at Xmas, like you gave me the year before, just like the 6 in closet that still have tags, because I DO NOT WEAR CABLE GUY JACKETS!!!! I apparently collect them, but i have never worn them. Did you get a bunch of them for like $4 or something? We rescheduled my birthday party because you and my brother are leaving for Florida tomorrow together, he gets me nothing, and you get me another cable guy jacket, WTF? Why did we bother? And everyone wonders why i keep flipping out! I have to buy your husband $100 Xmas gift, and he cannot even come down two houses and wish me a happy birthday."

Of course they still stayed for dinner. They will be back next week, he will be over it by then. I hope.

SECRET FOR HAPPINESS

2010-02-05T12:01:00.000-05:00

I have told this to my daughters over and over:

If it has tires or testicles it will give you nothing but trouble and you will never fully understand it.

Accept this and move on.

SHOUT OUT TO THE FEB BIRTHDAYS!

2010-02-01T20:27:00.004-05:00

Where are my prizes? (Fat Cat bounces out the house!)

What?

It is the month of my birthday I get prizes, where are they?

Are you six? And it is presents you get for birthdays.

Well sometimes you get surprises for your birthday.

Okay Sir Prize, (Fat Cat's new rap name I think) how about I don't put ground glass in your dinner.

It was worth a shot. How 'bout we stop and get chicken for dinner?

IT NEVER ENDS

2010-01-22T02:00:00.000-05:00

I swear - I am one pit bull away from being the White Trash Queen

CHUCK E CHEESE

2010-01-21T12:01:00.002-05:00

All of life's lessons are learned at the Cheese:

1. the more money you have the more fun you 'appear to have' but we all leave with nothing

2. Even the worst boring food with laughter as an appetizer, is well worth the trip.

3. spend what you have wisely because there may not be more available and your choice may seem ridiculous after it is spent

4. it is always better to run and laugh with a friend

5. when you are losing or just upset it is your parents who are always there for you

6. just keeping up is exhausting (Whack a mole)

7. anything that looks easy probably isn't (skeet ball)

8. surprise are not always pleasant and warm like you would like (the ball pit)

9. things are crowded, keep an eye out for the people who love you

and the most important lesson

10. Giant Mice are Scary

I have not been recently but another blogger reminded me of the sheer joy

My Flowers Creep Out my Co-workers

2010-01-19T20:17:00.002-05:00

I know this may be morbid but after the funeral my nephew was trying to get people to take home flower arrangements. The one I actually bought was too big but i liked a small one with spring colors. I took it into work today and made the mistake of telling a couple people where the arrangement came from.

FREAK OUT

They do not look like funeral flowers or anything but now they are all weirded out. I did not realize this was not a socially acceptable practice. Oops. Oh well, they are pretty, and I like them!

DONT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOUR BEST FRIEND

2010-01-18T20:42:00.002-05:00

I have seen the worst possible situation in the last two days. A gorgeous proud woman lay in front of her friends and family in some damn memaw sweater with jewelry that did not match. WTF? Seems her husband - who I do understand is really distraught - picked out her clothes.

OMG -- DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME!!!

Please swear to me (and to ALL your other girl friends) that you will not let your husband or your sons (unless of course they are gay and capable of such a task) pick our your burial clothes. This has me hugely upset to the point that I may have to form some sort of support group or at the least plan my funeral ahead of time!

I swear to my friends here and now I will not allow their husbands to humiliated them with mismatched apparel! I promise, I promise.

Good Bye Sue

2010-01-13T19:54:00.003-05:00

At rest, my beautiful Sue, the easy laugh has drifted away and her perfume no longer lingers. The lipstick kisses are all washed away Her only son, battered and exhausted from all the week of hell, held her lifeless hand and wept. We all did.

I am so glad I was there, to make sure she knew how much I love her, and so she could hear my voice, the voice that is my mothers, the calm one, the soothing one. My Mother was waiting for her, the coffee on, the potatoes frying, and the table set for a gab fest. My Brother is there too so they can watch their son and grandchildren together.

Techno-Tarded

2010-01-12T13:24:00.001-05:00

Yeah, that is me, I have a new phone I cannot work! I made it up, it fits I think

My Heart is Breaking Again

2010-01-10T21:24:00.000-05:00

For those of you who remember the ‘Cake of the Day’ craziness, will remember they went to both my mother in law and my ex-sister in law. It breaks my heart to tell you, but my ex sister in law was transported to Hospice Comfort Care this weekend. This was the person who held my hand while my mother passed and the person who’s hand I will hold while she passes.

(On a ‘what are the odds?’ note, she is in the same room that Fat Cat’s uncle was in last month, the same exact room, the same bed, everything – and it is a giant place. Funny God, real funny.)

Nasty Brat Kid

2010-01-07T11:55:00.002-05:00

So my eyes keep swelling up and they hurt and are flaming beet red. The first time it happened was after spending a weekend baking cookies with my mother in law. So it could have been
a) I have developed an allergy to some cooking product
b) I rubbed my eyes with brutal substances like powdered sugar or peanut butter after bursting in tears from exhaustion.
c) it is stress related.
I went with c and moved on. Then after spending 12 hours in a car with my husband on our way to Missouri my eyes swelled up again, like I had been beaten. It was either
a) I have developed an allergy to my new Mary Kay make up
b) I rubbed my eyes with hand sanitizer or gasoline after bursting into tears from frustration
c) it is stress related.
After throwing away about $60 worth of make up because everyone else thinks it is ‘a’ I am positive it is ‘c’ and moved on. Then I awoke yesterday after returning to work from the holidays to even worse swollen eyes and pain. It could have been
a) I have redeveloped an allergy to something that will required decades of testing and medication
b) I may have rubbed diet Pepsi or dust in my eyes when crying because I had to go back to work after 10 days off, my husband was already complaining he was bored, my ex-sister in law is in the hospital with a liver issue, and the bills are arriving!!!
C) it is stress related.
I call the doctor once I get to work and get an appointment at lunch time. I race home and have my husband drive me because I have only slits to see through and I am very upset, and of course, I am disrupting his day. The doctor takes one look at them, and explains that I have extremely dry skin around my eyes that is that is cracking and flaking and turning into eczema because I am making it worse my rubbing them, scrubbing them, and stripping the make off with toxic chemicals. He informs me that he sees this a lot in young children because they cannot stop touching their eyes with their hands. Nice. So I take my dirty kindergartener self to the pharmacy get my steroid cream and extra moisturizer and go back to work. Great. It has been a long time since someone called me a filthy little kid, I guess I should be thankful.

A Long Year

2009-12-28T09:24:00.002-05:00

This has been a fitful year, like sleep after a buffet over grazing. No pause from the frustration and chaos. But the tone for the upcoming year is being set now, with a marvelous Xmas, with everyone in positive moods, and travel to see Soldier and his family. His Xmas present is new years eve out with his wife, as we arrive tomorrow coming home in 2010. We shall see what lies ahead.

Bin Laden Visits

2009-10-22T11:27:00.002-04:00

My husband could not find anyone to drink with and has drug home some old friend that is now apparently homeless. The guy looks just like bin laden, only filthy and flea ridden and in a ski cap and several shirts. He has a home sort of, but no heat, no electric, no water (which is really obviously let me tell you) and ---- wait for it------ at least 19 cats. If my kids were on their own, I swear, I would just pack up and leave.

Food Poisoning

2009-10-15T11:59:00.000-04:00

Yep, egg drop soup be very very dangerous, cost a day of work and the lining of my throat. I came very close to turning completely inside out.

I Miss Him

2009-10-12T21:11:00.002-04:00

Today was my father's birthday. My mother always said he came over with Columbus. Happy Birthday Pappa.

Real Housewives of Hot-lanta!

2009-10-11T19:28:00.003-04:00

Okay, they had me at the OC but it has defiantly kicked up with this season to the point I have decided to start recording them. OMG it is like a train wreck and I cannot help myself, could I be any more of a nut? No no I cannot. And their stupid songs are stuck in my head to the point I am singing them around the house and doing the 'fly above them' motions too. Nothing I tell you more attractive than a 50 year old woman singing and dancing to urban pop. Not even the dogs are entertained but I cannot stop myself.

And as a side note to my complete depravity I am going completely nuts trying to get all the words and tune of the Schnitzelbank song. Yes it is a real song my German teacher made us sing, and I used to sing it to my children just to make them laugh, which works because it is funny. And in German it is really funny. And Angel remembered it and well, if my baby girl wants to have a good memory of her childhood, by god I am going to dig up the song and sing it again!!! If I could just get that 'tardy for the party' song out of my head!!!! Damn those housewives!!!

peopleofwalmart

2009-10-07T12:03:00.001-04:00

Okay I was recently reminded about the funniest site ever, yes there is a chance that I will be on there, or one of my family, but if you need a laugh, go and get it, the best ever!!!

CAR SHOW MANIA

2009-10-04T10:18:00.003-04:00

This weekend is the car show for my son and future son-in-law 's car club. http://www.droptout.com/
is the sight, feel free to take a peak, watch out for nearly naked women and freakishly handsome young men!!!

Anyway, it wil probably be great, despite as Fat Cat says, It is a completely white trash thing to do.

You know you belong in the Kracker-Barrell if

2009-09-30T22:10:00.002-04:00

for your daughters birthday you get matching tattoos - in Arabic - when you are not from the middle east and one of you is a minor. Allah only knows what they actually say. And I may add that the money spent on these may have been better applied to say...... car insurance or senior pictures that we keep dropping hints we can't pay for or perhaps for at least an attempt at paying the taxes on the house you are loosing!!!!

Cheesy Puddin'

2009-09-29T21:03:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I get these ideas that I am going to make some spectacular dessert that will be just awe inspiring and I will suddenly be on the news being interviewed about the best dessert anyone ever tasted and I will be humble yet brilliant and everyone will try it and it will be worshipped. And inevitably I will sabotage myself and waste about one billion dollars and like a year of my life that i do not have to loose on something that melts into a puddle. (since the last jello mold experience --- well lets just say it was so nasty the little pieces of fruit were running faster than the liquid)

So I score this recipe for a cheese cake that sounds (as they always do, those sirens) amazing, and i get a loan for the ingredients (despite a serious stomach volcano whilst shopping- ick to the grocery store restroom).

I get the thing made, 2 hours of prep, maybe a slight exaggeration, and place it in my brand new spring form pan, in a deep pan of boiling water and balance the whole boiling goopy mess into my oven at 325 for 40 minutes. I go back to my recipe and note that it was supposed to be 1 1/2 cups of sugar not 1/2 cup of sugar! OMG! I run into the kitchen yank open the oven, grab my mits and carefully lift the spring form pan out of the boiling water past the oven door and wap it into the stove because i could not manage to raise it the 1 millionth of an inch more it would take to clear the stove. So about a cup of the golden goo splashed all over the place. Then in my brilliant mind i can take the cup of sugar I forgot and mix it in , post assembly of the cheese cake. I am not sure why i thought this was okay, but since the TV crew was not filming me at the moment, i guess I thought it okay. so I mixed it in carefully with a teaspoon and convinced myself that it was still going to be amazing.

I put it back in the oven, reminder to all, if your oven mits get wet the heat goes right through to your hands and you have to start like cussing so you do not drop your cheese cake. but you will slosh some on the oven door which will burn off later.

I go back to the recipe to read about what to do when my 40 minutes were up, and i realize the 1 1/2 cups of sugar was TOTAL sugar. 1/2 cup in the cake and 1 cup for the topping. DAMN IT. Well, i am not giving up now and i let the stupid cake bake and of course, the 40 minutes is not enough and i bake it 20 more minutes and it looks okay.

It is supposed to stay in the fridge for 4 hours or overnight, and i just figure that 3 hours is good enough and i yank it out and un-springform pan the thing. And I read the recipe which says to put the cup of sugar on top and then put under the broiler. Which is all good, and I do that when I notice that i was NOT supposed to unspringform the stupid thing. (Damn it, foiled yet again by that whole reading the recipe thing) and it begins to melt all over the broiler, then i yank it out, flinging chunks of cheese cake about the kitchen.

I scrape the entire thing in a bowl. Cheese Puddin. Not bad. Little gritty maybe.

The Yard Is Haunted

2009-09-29T20:47:00.002-04:00

Oh it is spectacular! We have 6 solid scenes and we are interactive with our pillary (look it up) - I have to admit it is fun! The neighbor kids are enthralled! As of course is Fat Cat! And for those who have not heard, I have spent this summer giving my house an updo. Wood floors (okay the WT version of wood, pergo) in the living room, dining room, and family room. Which of course means painting and cleaning while the rooms are vacant. it looks like an entire new house!! Of course I have had to give up smoking and eating to hve them but it is really nice!

Out of the Funk

2009-09-27T09:38:00.002-04:00

Slowly moving out of my self loathing indulgent slump and am working on unmuddling myself. As bizarre as it sounds, the way out has been inspired by my ex boss. In a desperate state she had to call my current boss and beg me to come over and help her. Yeah that is right. The Beatch has herself in a whole and i am the only one that can help!!! (In case you cannot see me, I am a dancing fool!) I have loved every second, I don't have to say a word, it is so sweet and perfect!

Red Neck Mama

2009-08-31T12:15:00.002-04:00

Friday night I went to the gun range with my son and shot the assault rifle along with a variety of weapons. Really good for the frustration build up, I do have to tell you. Then came home and went to the county fair with my husband - where I ate steak on a stick and fried dough.

As I walked around I realized I am just completely white trash.

Thought for the day

2009-08-28T16:04:00.001-04:00

“To be rich in admiration and free from envy, to rejoice greatly in the good of others, to love with such generosity of heart that your love is still a dear possession in absence or unkindness - these are the gifts which money cannot buy.”
—Robert Louis Stevenson
(1850-1894); poet, essayist, author

I Just Need to Sleep In

2009-08-14T08:26:00.001-04:00

I had a hard time getting up and cannot wait until tomorrow to sleep. I spent too long in the shower (I think I may have actually taken a nap standing up) which threw me more and more behind. Then I went to pack my lunch and hell angels must have broken in and ate all my food, because the plate of grilled chicken, the plate of cooked corn on the cob, the bowl of cheese noodles, 3 loaves of zucchini bread (I just made it Wednesday night) – all gone—just air where they once were- (I actually reached in the fridge and touched the empty shelves to make sure that they had not taken on some camo technique) . So I have a can of soup for lunch. Damn it. Then I did not have time to get my hair completely dry so it is ½ wet and will dry that crazy ‘I got up too late to do anything’ look. Which was cool when I was in my twenties and had a slight wild streak but now that I am a memaw, it just looks nasty. Then Tank is having a car issue, so he had to bring me to work, and Buster, the wonder hound, got all excited and stated freaking out completely with spins and kicks and yipping, so he came with us and got mud all over my clothes so now I am wet from trying to wash them in the bathroom. And it is 8:19.

Basic Light

2009-08-13T21:03:00.004-04:00

Tank: When was the last time you cleaned the windows in your car?

Me: That is my white trash window tint baby, an inch of nicotine!

(yeah I know, I quit smoking in April, but I've been very busy.......)

Wing Man

2009-08-06T11:56:00.000-04:00

Was there any doubt?

Gore: Hey, Bill, you want to go to Korea and pickup a couple chicks?

Use the computer much?

2009-07-27T12:41:00.001-04:00

Fat Cat: I need someone to get this part for me - can't one of you go on Craig's Space or My List and see if you can find it?

Tweet Tweet

2009-07-20T12:06:00.000-04:00

My thoughts are too tiny

I have Been Told the Complete Opposite Before

2009-06-17T21:20:00.004-04:00

Okay, 3 people today have asked about the lack of up updates, mainly because when time chunks happen it usually means I am in some phase of disaster.

Really not the case, I think that I am actually punishing myself, not really sure why, but I have not been focused lately. Between the whole GM filing bankruptcy which trickled down to me loosing my dental, vision, and mental health care coverage. (now you do not have to be my best friend to know that I am blind as a bat and heavily dependant on mental health care mood stabilizers- here to fore referred to as 'don't kill the assholes around you' pills)

Then I have missed a loved ones birthday and instead of just apologizing and doing a whole belated birthday thing, i have chosen to try to make the couch a time machine and wish myself back three weeks (not working, still trying). I am aggravated at myself for not being better at my job yet, despite the influx of double the work, and despite the huge complicated foreign customer base, the 8 months i have been doing this are not enough to make me feel any more confident than I did 7 months ago. (Rome was not built in a day, but I am pretty sure it was destroyed in one.)

I have been battling both the cable company and gas company for awhile to no real satisfaction. (they had better hope I can still get those 'don;t kill the assholes around you' pills, because they would be first) I am totally freaked out about money again, (refer again to GM). And my time is not my own, I have my plan and then it does not come to pass, and I get so frustrated that well, I need the pills. Did I mention I had seven cavities filled (they are taking out the old fillings from my childhood that are slowly deteriorating and then replacing with new ones - work that was going to spread over the next two years, and now is being done in one week.)?

Plus, the soldier's wife and kids are going to be here for a week, which means lots of company and lots of work. No stress there.

Oh well, it will all just work out, it always does, but in the mean time, I will just have to cling the fact that the dentist told me I had a little mouth. Yep. Never have I been told that!!! Sweet, a positive item to cling too!!! Stop laughing!

Maybe You Can Get a New One

2009-06-03T18:08:00.002-04:00

Fat Cat wears glasses with a strap to keep them on because they rest on his hearing aids, that he has to have because he is completely stone deaf and seriously in jeopardy of missing me call him for a meal which he has takes out his fake two teeth that are on a partial plate that resembles a retainer, but drives him nuts when he eats. Before bed he takes off all his hardware, and last night said to me:

"My head is just a big prosthesis."

Hmmm

Less Wireless

2009-06-01T11:56:00.001-04:00

- I shall return- wireless is down at home and of course they cannot get anyone out until Wednesday - URRRGGG!

Beware the Screaming Monkey Head

2009-05-26T20:29:00.002-04:00

Once upon at Time at BJ's (okay - that is just fun to see, giggle giggle) warehouse club, Fat Cat and I stumbled on a stack of remote controlled planet of the ape looking chimpanzee heads. Very frightening human size heads with hair and movable eyes and curling lip. They were $40 and I did not have the money and despite the childlike pleas of Fat Cat I just could not justify a purchase of a big old Screaming decapitated Monkey head. Well a week later, and odd as this is, during Xmas shopping, we saw the same thing - only $200 - in a major department store. Fat Cat started screaming (not unlike the Monkey Head) and demanded that we return to BJ's (giggle giggle) to get one because it was a great deal like he told me. He did see it as a wonderful addition to our Halloween display and it would have been. Had I bought it when we saw it, because we went back to BJ's (giggle giggle) and they were out of Screaming Monkey Heads!!

For over two years when ever i hesitate to make a purchase that is a real 'bargain' I get to hear again how I have ruined our Halloween display because we do not have a Screaming monkey head. In fact on our way to a giant flea market / livestock auction this weekend, I was told how we have to be careful not to have another screaming monkey head incident. We were not there 10 minutes when a Grateful Dead guy in a van with folding tables had.......................................... a screaming Monkey head. I willingly handed off the $20 bucks, well worth not having to get the monkey head lecture and it is truly just about the creepiest thing ever.

Check it out at www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOTayCwHZOk, of course, ours is not new! Got to love a remote controlled screaming monkey head!

The Flowers are Gone!

2009-05-25T09:32:00.000-04:00

I put flowers on the graves for Memorial day, a pleasant NOT task I took over after my mother past. I know a lot of dead people, so I get a lot of flowers. I get the same geraniums in little pots and then pick them up at the end of the holiday. After a fantabulous four day weekend, took off Friday, I went to gather them up and found the ones on one set of my grandparents graves were missing which was odd until I found they were also missing on my other grandmothers. Felt a little creepy. Are times that tough that someone has resorted to stealing plants off graves? I took myself a look around, because frankly, i paid real money for my plants and an eye for an eye and all, the grave yard owes me some freaking flowers. I notice not many potted little plants are left around the cemetery. Obviously it was just not me that had been violated. Ugh. Fortunately when I went to the next cemetery the plants were still intact. But lesson earned. Beautiful little plants need to be actually planted - retraining to get them may no longer be feasible.

I am Starving

2009-05-20T19:45:00.002-04:00

Actually we are flashing back to Saturday when we tried to help a Cancer victim and a local merchant only to end up completely mortified.

First we get up and hit the flea market, but on the way we saw, in our little neighborhood a nice little BBQ stand set up (like the kind you see at the fair) and decided when we were done shopping we would stop by for lunch. We had originally planned to stop at a carnival (set up in the grocery store parking lot) but well, sometimes those carnivals teeter to the creepy side, and you just can't be sure you are not going to run into some future stalker or see someone from America's most wanted. And we wanted to support our local economy and this was pretty much a given to be a local group.

So we get our veggies and fruits and ecoli from the flea market and when we get near home, we stop at the stand. We walk up and get a big old view of rather hefty thick woman, which usually is a sign of a good cook, and her four rather big boned teenage assistants. They had sausage sandwiches, ribs, burgers,hot dogs - totally what Fat Cat was ready for!!

We get one of everything (note, we now have both quit smoking and have opted to replace that habit with gorging ourselves) and we ran home to angel's delight with our treasures. Fat Cat opens his sausage sandwich, to find it has just onions on it. Now we have eaten a lot of street vendor sausage sandwiches and never saw just onions on top of a gray sausage. Yuk. To the dogs with that. The coney dog was pretty much canned sauce but Fat Cat ate it. Angel took the cheese burg ate one bite declared it a 'school' burger and sent it off to the dogs. I had a rack of ribs (shut up, they were for all of us to share, I am not that big of a pig) - i could not eat them, they both tried some, and labeled them nasty. This stand gives white trash a bad name- Come on now, this is the food we should be able to whip up greasy good in a buttery hot minute, I am so embarrassed. But that is okay we have a benefit to go to....

So my mother -in-law's brother-in -law, which is my step uncle in law (?) - or what ever, was recently diagnosed with a very fast moving stage 4 lung cancer that has now moved to his bones (Hmm, could this be one of the catalyst for my non-smoking, coincidence, I do not think so), and the camp grounds (okay do not get me started on this nascar breeding white ghetto camp ground, that I loathe, and makes my skin crawl with the out houses and the bugs and he $50K campers) was throwing a benefit spaghetti dinner for him. And of course we are compelled to go, and we want to, he is a wonderful man, and this is horrid and we like spaghetti. We drive the 45 minutes to get to the camp grounds, we drive 5 miles an hour back to the 'club house' to be greeted on our walk in by one of my in law relatives who is now HUGE. (okay, here is the dish on this nightmare woman, she is about 5 years younger than me and always thought herself a really hot little number, and used to hit on my husband and my bother in law - not really related, but none the less, just nasty, she looked down her nose at my simple little self=== from her stipper pole!!!. And now she looks a LOT like Monica from Friends in the fat suit!! OMG, I am sorry to be so vicious but I had myself a good inside chuckle. Not very christian like, my husband said, but sometimes you just have to bask in the fact that in one year, someone who thinks they are all that and a bad of chips, is now the size of all that from eating all the chips! Man it was sweet) I digress sorry, but we get in side and they have run out of spaghetti, so I paid for my little delight by being starved and only having cake to eat, which was really really sweet and sent me into a chatty sugar buzz, and I had to constantly fight myself not to scream in my sugar rage, 'Did you see the size of Lori????' but i didn't spew that out, thank god.

Now it is 9 PM and we are driving home and pull into hardees because i have to have some solid food of some kind today. I get some sort of speciality burger that takes like 6 hours to cook - Rush home and take one bite and realize why we never go to hardees and why if we did we never should go right before they close, because my sandwich was horrible. It just may have been rancid. Yuk. So i ate another piece of cake that my mother in law had sent home with me, and then laid in bed about 2 hours all geaked out and flipping channels like a coke head. When I finally did sleep I was chased by the Goodyear blimp and could not run because my feet were stuck in giant sheet cake, I woke up starving!!!

Imagine if you will.......

2009-05-17T21:23:00.004-04:00

.... a back yard storage area for things we just may have a use for some day. This is definitely a feature only found here in Kracker Land. And buried in ours in was what was once our water bed. (Yes, we had a water bed, which I fully used up until about a year ago because my husband refused to stop smoking in bed, and since he had caused one near death experience - I was not going to put myself in that danger again- with a water bed, a cigarette gone astray would only end up causing a flood, not cremation.) So there we were real hipsters with our 1970's water bed, that I could not find sheets for anywhere, because no one else in America it seems had one, until I nearly snapped an ankle trying to get out of it one day. It was time - a real bed was next - but Fat Cat loved the frame and put it in our storage pile until he could 'imagine' a use for it. And such an idea he pulled from somewhere, Taking the padding off, but keeping the side boards for a place to sit, while attended his great plan. And so it is, the birth of the veggie bed....

Red Neck Flower Bed

2009-05-14T21:23:00.003-04:00

He has finally agreed to get rid of his Red Neck chair (see You Know You Are A Red Neck If your Dining Room Chair has Leg Extensions and And You Thought I Just made this Stuff Up ) but has now managed to create yet another feature of our people. I will get a photo, because words alone cannot possibly do it justice....... stay tuned!!!

No One Loves me Like a Buster

2009-05-11T21:07:00.002-04:00

I know this is really lame, but my stupid dogs just totally make me smile. They are basically just fur balls with teenie tiny little brains, but they adore me, unlike no other. They are always waiting for me to get home, always running to jump into my arms, always ready to curl up at night. There was a phase in my children's lives when they looked at me like that, but before I could blink they were teenagers. I do sometimes see glimpses of that look in their eyes, maybe a little yesterday. My husband used to look at me with all that love, hoping up and down, panting to see me. Not so much any more, now hopping up and down would cause him to pant. Now that look is reserved for a big plate food or when he finds candy bars in his cookie jar. But with the dogs, they remain forever in awe. Of course, when they are near me no one else can get close or they will be bitten, and often there is a nasty fight among them for best position next to me in bed. Okay there was a time when the kids fought to get my attention. And then there is the never ending barking. Like my husband basically. ......... OMG, I have replaced my family members with animals! I need help.

Happy Mother's Day- Let's Watch Porn!

2009-05-10T21:16:00.003-04:00

I spent my mother's day doing what I love - I went to church with my grandson and Zowie (he was singing a mother's day song and wanted her there so bad, she went - God Bless her for that one, it was totally for her son) Then I made a huge giant crazy big over the top breakfast for my giant family, watched a movie with Angel and my oldest granddaughter, spent some quiet along time with Fat Cat , and played on my computer. It was wonderful. I love having everyone over, I love a big breakfast (it so reminds me of my own mother) , I did not want the day to end.

My granddaughter said it best - as she went out the door-- I love being here, it was great, really nice and loving. She melted my heart. (of course, I pray that she does not tell her mother we sat and watched 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' which, although hilarious was basically porn - nice, I should probably pay for a year of her therapy later)

Then Soldier pointed out to me that buying my mother in law a 5 foot carved wood alligator (that is also a planter) was kinda rude, and may be misinterpreted as a a reflection of what I think of her. Never thought of that. Great - I just gave her a big old 5 foot insult. This could be awkward.

Oh well, I had a good time!

Who is That Woman????

2009-05-07T22:16:00.003-04:00

I have died my hair brown. Only because the natural color is gray, I am tired of being blond, and my daughter likes it brunette. I have really given up on caring what I actually look like. Not that I resemble a bag lady or anything, and I have not abandoned all personal hygiene. But that reflection in the mirror is not me. It is my much much older sister, sort of, kind of resembles my mother, and just may be Aunt Be, but there is no way that old woman is me. I am still like 32, which is about the last time I actually remember seeing myself. I am still wearing those size 5 jeans and still look great in a bikini. That woman needs a mu-mu. I do not know exactly how she got here but it ain't me and it ain't pretty.

Ice Ice Baby

2009-05-06T19:59:00.002-04:00

There are some gifts that really are just ..... special.... sort of.....

Fat Cat knows a lot of people of rather less than fine moral character, one such person owned what was once an 'after hours' bar. The place closed down for various reason and several unfortunate incarcerations, leaving the supplies to the scavengers.

So from under the bar, slippery with nicotine and dried beer, my Fat Cat pulls forth my Mother's day present.

Now before you completely heave ---- think for a moment, I have an average of 20 people for any holiday, there are at least 8 people in and out of this house on a regular basis, and one hot mother of a summer is on the horizon. And considering the effort to haul it home, sanitize it before it lands in my house, move a sink over to make room to install it, and actually have it up and running within a day is pretty big for Fat Cat.

The ice is amazing, filtered and crystal clear - it is smaller than a dish washer and I love it. How fun is it that I have a freaking stand along ice machine!!!!